When the day takes a turn for the worse and you begin to feel like crawling up into the fetal position under the table upon which you’ve been typing — DON’T DO IT!!

Take heart, dear friends. There are things one can do to lift your spirits, but there are also things one can do which will most certainly lower them. For instance, at moments like these it is best to avoid:
a) thinking too much
b) listening to your Joni Mitchell LP collection
c) reading that book by Virginia Woolf
d) visiting bridges
e) walking into discount stores

No, instead focus on things that will make you feel great again! Here is a list that always seems to work for me!

1! Yes! If you live in the Bay Area of California, like moi, a jaunt up and down the wacked out streets of Nob or Russian Hills is bound to bring a smile to your face and some cardio for your heart! Even better if the sun is out and the fog has yet to roll in! Don’t be afraid to make eye contact and smile! You might help a tourist get even more lost than they already are or you could possibly make some new eccentric pals! Of course, if you happen to be a bit too close to the Nob Hill Theatre you might end up being mistaken for a man-whore. However, an offer of pay for your time is always a bit of pick-up. But, don’t take up the offer no matter how the high the price! You’re an adult now and have left that sort of behavior in the very distant past! Just smile, say no and feel pleased that someone wants to sex you up for money.

2! Be sure to plug in your iPod and tune in a steady mix of Goldfrapp! Yes, you see Goldfrapp has been scientifically proven to lift the spirits and will often force you to simply give in and dance about til a kind soul decides to toss some glitter your way. Also, it really will enhance your walk about the places in San Francisco in which only the very wealthy can live. Oh, and try not to think about that aspect. It might bum you out a little. Anyway, you might be able to swing a studio in the TenderNob. …If you have a job and some money saved. Wait. Let’s move on to #3!

3! Chocolate cookies! Eat some! And, be sure to wash them down with some pure Diet Coke — preferably from a diner fountain! Remember – if you opt to skip lunch and dinner those cookies won’t go to your waist line or ass! And, the chemical rush of chocolate mixed with Diet Coke is total magic. Like watching XANADU on a rainy day! You’ll be destined to laugh, roll your eyes and feel the need to pull on your rollerskates and take to the streets! In fact, merge a viewing of XANADU with this one if you’re able. Eating a cookie as you run up and down the streets of San Francisco can be a bit of challenge. You have to sit down, anyway. So, sure! Squeeze in a viewing of Olivia Newton-John’s career sinking turn! …we have to believe it’s magic. …and, you will!

4! Nothing says “Hey, I’m feeling better about life” than singing the score to YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE to total strangers. And, they often enjoy it and might even toss some spare change your way! I learned the joys of random singing in public after Ing dared me to do so upon trying to find my brother when he visited last year. I used to sing in the public eye all of the time with my Texas pals as a youngster! But, back then we either sang the score of ANNIE to annoy or YOUR SISTER IS ONE from the flick TIMES SQUARE just to see how people might react. However, I suggest sticking to Debbie Boone. Also, avoid singing to anyone under the age of 20. For some reason, kids tend to either get very afraid or violent upon hearing a stranger sing Debbie Boone. Who knows why? Don’t worry about it. Just find an unsuspecting adult and sing your heart out. Actually, this can be done while enjoying item #1. Tourists by and large love it when you walk up and sing to them. Even if it is mushy 70’s MOR love songs. All the better, actually. Feel free to sing whatever you like, but do avoid singing Journey. People don’t need your shit that much, babe.

5. Anything and everything having to do with Barbra Streisand perks my spirits right up!Excepting that cameo on “Miami Vice” back when she was fucking Don Johnson. Watching that kind of hurts. But, if you’re in a Barbra Buttah frame of mind — just jump in! Um, you might opt to also avoid THE WAY WE WERE and the LP of the same name. They are a wee bit sad. Actually, they are tragic. Damn it! Katie and Hubbard were meant to be together! And, when she wipes away his blonde locks before saying goodbye forever! And, yes, well it is the good times we will remember whenever we remem — Wait. Give me a second. Ok. I’m fine. Just a brief bit of crying. All better now. So, yes. Skip the screen moments with Don Johnson and Robert Redford — but all other Babs territory will most likely make you feel wonderously creamy! Why, just yesterday while killing time waiting for Ing I sat in a cafe populated by older folks who I think might have been waiting to die as they sipped coffee — but Barbra came on the radio singing “Lost Inside Of You” and several 70-something ladies swooned in happiness of memories long gone. Wait. Maybe #5 is not such a good suggestion if you’re in a cafe with old people. Ok. Well, “The Main Event” is a very snap happy song! Girls and children all over the free world are jazzercising to it as I type this!

6. Eat some more chocolate!

7. Have a bit more Diet Coke.

8. Play the “Bad Girls” LP disc 1 side A — this is a great moment at the tail end of classic disco just before Ms. Summer decided to go all Christian on our ass. Great album and it just makes you bounce! Toot! Toot! Beep! Beep! Yeah, rock it! Work it!

9. Visit your friends who work at independent book stores! Then, act like you don’t know them and demand hard cover novelizations of bad movies. This is always fun! Or, go to Tiffanys and attempt to be as rude to the staff as they are to you. Sure, you’ll most likely be escorted out but it is great fun! Oh, and as the guard pushes you outside ask him if he would like to meet you at that very spot the next day for breakfast! If he gives you a cruel answer ask him how much Tiffanys inventory is affordable with his shitty salary! That’s fun! However, he may hit you. If he does, you might have potential for a lawsuit and could make some money. However, he would need to hit you pretty hard because you sort of edged him on. So, take care with pursuing that money-making-venture. Oh, and demanding horrible books from your friends at their cool stores can only go on for so long before they start giving you that, “Oh, God. Matty, please stop!” look. I guess with #9 you just don’t want to push it too far. A little of #9 goes a long way.

10! Now, this is the best option for lifting the spirits! Yes!!!! Go to the beach and watch the surfers do their thing! Just hide your eyes if they get mistaken for seals and attacked by sharks — or clubbed by fishermen. Not your issue, but you don’t want to see that when you’re feeling down. But, back to the original plan — the beach is good for the soul. Let the water spray you, let the scents fill your senses and listen to the sounds of crushing waves, laughter and seagulls. The beach is my fave place on earth. If I can get to a beach I just feel better. However, in San Francisco — avoid looking over at the Golden Gate Bridge as there are a large number of people jumping off it to horrible deaths all day long. At least so I am told. So, just look the other direction.

I hope my list helped or will help you in the future. Because no matter how happy you might be at the moment you’re reading this — something will bring you down at any given moment. Sorry, but this is a given. Be it unemployment, disease, death, Goldie Hawn, taxes, economic problems, Goldie Hawn, a tooth ache, etc. — Something is going to make you feel bad. The important thing is to have easy access to options that will lift you back up where you belong!

January 17, 2007. Uncategorized.


  1. Kevin replied:

    This post is #11.

    Riding public transportation with your underwear on the outside of your clothes is another spirits lifter. The expressions on the faces of onlookers is priceless. Of course, if you’re the type who goes commando, I wouldn’t suggest this as you may get arrested.

    (Actually this can be addended to any of the above as well.)

  2. matty03 replied:

    Kevin! That’s a good idea! Today, I am wearing underwear! I might have to give this a try. Of course, in this town, I wonder if anyone will notice. Perhaps if I wear my orange jock strap!

    Good idea/suggestion to add to the list!!!

  3. hot lunch replied:

    you forgot: Visit Matty’s Blog!!

    Your blog always cheers me up! It helps that I have the biggest blog crush on you. I think I literally kick my feet in delight when I see a new post!

    As for anything Babs, I’m sure you’ve seen the Coffee Talk sketch from Saturday Night Live in which she shows up at the end to surprise an unsuspecting Mike Myers, Roseanne, and Madonna! Babs and Madonna together at last!

  4. matty03 replied:

    Aw, Hot Lunch! You make me blush! Thank you! I’m so happy my mindless ramblings bring you cheer!

    YES! When that happened a good friend of mine video recorded it for me and mailed me a copy! That was one of Bab’s last cool moments! A big stick of buttah!

  5. Robert replied:

    You have a wonderful outlook on life Matt, and I absolutely love that about you. Everything is a process. There are most certainly rough patches in life, but nothing can’t be overcome. I know you’re facing some financial hardship right now, but I gotta say, compared this to a whole lot of other people out there, this isn’t all so bad*. Things will come around for you, definitely.

    *I’m not trying to make light of things in your situation, but truly, we’re pretty lucky to be who we are today. Right? 🙂

    Muff luff.

  6. matty03 replied:

    Robert! YES! Most definitely — and, for me, it is key to just be able to laugh at all sometimes. AND — I got 3 calls for interviews today!!! …Still throws me off that it takes perspective employers 3 weeks to sort thru resumes but whatever! LOL! Interviews coming ’round the corner! Yay!

    …I think I will just park myself in one of the lobbies and refuse to leave til they hire me. Or, would that be scary to them? Hmmmmm… Guess I need to think about that one.

  7. sortedlives replied:

    I loved the Tiffany’s remark. I would love to do that!

    Good luck on the interviews. I know you will be smashing!

  8. Minge replied:

    Thank you for this fabulous article. I’m sending for a delivery of chocolate cookies!

  9. matty03 replied:

    Sorted — Well, we will just have to hit Tiffany’s when you’re here! And, thanks! I’m up bright and early and ready to interview!!!! I am sure I will not have any face-to-face interviews today so I am debating whether to lose this 48 hour shadow beard thing I’ve got going. I’m leaning toward taking it off and going all clean cut. hmmmmm…

    Minge – Yes, secure the cookies! It’s important!

  10. Karyn replied:

    Hubble, darling! HUBBLE!

    Your girl is lovely, Hubble.

    Gaaaaa. I love that you sing to random people. But do be careful. You worry me.

    Love & hugs –

  11. matty03 replied:

    Karyn! …and wasn’t “his girl” a bitch! Oy! With her little haircut and tigh-lipped smile. LOL!

    I’m always careful! No need to worry!


  12. Old Cheeser replied:

    That’s a great idea Matty, and a great list of reasons to feel good (a bit like my Reasons To Be Cheerful). Although some are a bit difficult if you don’t live in San Francisco! He he!! However I’m sure these can be adapted to London or wherever you happen to be.

    Goldfrapp I can relate to – great to see you are so into her. An English artiste in the eccentric mould a la Kate Bush! We treasure out inventive pop stars!

    I am a bit of a fan of chocolate too, it’s one of my weaknesses…but at the moment am trying to cut down my intake due to my post-Christmas belly! Damn, it’s hard!! I love the idea of combining choccie eating with Xanadu though. Such a fabulously kitschy film. Livvie Neutron-Bomb on rollerskates. A mural of women coming to life. A rock band versus a 1930s group. So many fab bits! Quite why the public took badly to this film I don’t know!

    I’ve never seen “You Light Up My Life”. Might have to check that one out. What’s it all about? Love story? I think you are very brave and bold to go up to total strangers and sing. Good on you! I wouldn’t have the guts to do it myself!

    Of course I knew Babs would be in your list. And why not! I must see a few more of her movies. Never seen “The Way We Were” or “The Main Event”. I am still waiting for her to transformation into Ghetto-Barbra, Kelis-style, as we discussed before. “Shut the F*ck up”!!

    And Bad Girls by Ms Summer! I absolutely love this album. It was her opus! Every track is a winner. Donna, where are you now? Have you heard her album “Four Seasons of Love”? One of her early offerings and brilliant – comparing the stages of a love affair to the different seasons of the year e.g. Spring Affair – when a love affair is fresh and new, Summer Fever – in the throes of hot passion etc…great concept!

    Oh if only I lived by the beach! I do envy you in that respect. Time to move back to Brighton perhaps!

    You are absolutely right though, you need things to bring you up when going through the bad times.

    So good on ya. And good luck with the interviews!

    One more thing, talking of positive thinking, have you heard the album “Dancing For Mental Health” by Will Powers? It’s an old 80s album and Will’s biggest hit was “Kissing With Confidence”. Every track on the album has a self-help theme and is so inspirational! If you haven’t heard it I’d recommend it highly! I keep meaning to write a post on it for my blog and haven’t got round to it…

    OC xx

  13. matty03 replied:

    Old Cheeser! Oh, my! I ADORE Goldfrapp! Am prone to jumping about and screaming their name just for the hell of it. Me & Ing saw them when they were here last May. It was fucking awesome! I wrote all about it!

    I will try to figure out how to send you links to my blogs about Xanadu and You Light Up My Life. I know I wrote about them. LOL!

    I’ve got an xmas belly, too! I should be a 29″ waist …but am currently pushing my way to 31″ in dress slacks and 30″ in jeans. Not good. Must stop eating. My economic situation is about to demand that anyway so it will sort out. But, at just under 5’9″ I should weigh about 10lbs less! Ugh! This was never a problem before my late 30’s!

    Avoid THE MAIN EVENT. For Barbra see FUNNY GIRL/THE WAY WE WERE/WHAT’s UP DOC — those are great intro films for boys learning about barbra.

    I’ve not even ever heard of that artist! I need to investigate! And, shall!

    And, yes! I LOVE that Donna Summer LP! I loved all of her stuff up to ON THE RADIO. …which was the last one she did I actually enjoyed.

    I need to move to the UK. It has been calling me since I was a child. I know I would love it there. But, at this stage in life I suspect the best I will do is get to visit! Some day!

    Hot Lunch! Oh my God! I’m so psyched!!!! I need that shirt!!!!!

  14. Kalvin replied:

    What happy ideas! I love chocolate and Diet Coke. I go to Ocean Beach quite often when I feel really down. When I first moved to the city I used to hike around different areas and explore. I’m growing ever less tolerant of tourists however. The gay ones are fine, but the straight ones with those shit-piles they call children are just disgusting. I hope you really did get an offer to be picked up. Ah, maybe one day it will happen to me too. But then again, I’m not one of those skinny castro bitches.

  15. Minge replied:

    You are to be treasured, my love.

  16. matty03 replied:

    Oh, Minge — You really just made my day! Thank you!

    Kalvin — Doesn’t the beach just sort of clear it all up? …from the sinus and out! It is the true natural high! for me, anway. I don’t mind shit piles, uh, I mean children. Unless they are in a movie theatre crying. I don’t like that. I was just looking at myself in the mirror. I don’t feel I am a skinny Castro bitch anymore. If I don’t pull the plug on food I am worried I might end up a fat and bitter Castro bitch! Tho, everyone keeps telling me I’m not fat. …People tend to do that to make you shut up and prevent you from getting upset so I don’t trust it. I am ready for my eating disorder to fully kick in, now! LOL! Sadly, yes. I get hit one and mistaken for a man whore fairly regularly. Not sure why. Really. Not sure. I think maybe I lean on things too much with my hands in my pockets. And, maybe I should stop asking guys if they have the time while at urinals. Yes. Mabye I should put a stop to this and get a watch.

  17. ing replied:

    Goldie Hawn?

  18. hot lunch replied:

    hey matty! over here! over here! say, speaking of Goldfrapp, and you seem to be a Number One fan, have you heard their take on the Olivia Newton John song Physical?

    if not, i have it available here…

  19. matty03 replied:

    Ing, yes, Goldie Hawn. She can be a real problem for many of us.

    Hot Lunch! Oh, yes! I’ve been gently floating in a glitter haze to Goldfrapp’s re-invention of Olivia’s Physical since 2001! …I take great pride in never missing any magic that is Goldfrapp. However, thank you for the link and keep sending me anything related to my fave band! …Last year I had to write to a number of places to secure an MP3 copy of “Boys Will Be Boys” because they only put that out on vinyl for the longest time! But, I pursued! And, I got it! And, I love it!

  20. me it's all about me replied:

    Great advice Matty! I’m glad this whole job search thing isn’t getting you down. Remember, I can always use a houseboy! xo m

  21. matty03 replied:

    Loveley Meredith!!! Thanks! I hope to be unemployed by the end of this week!!! I am determined to secure one of these jobs this week!

    Kevin offered me a house boy position, too!

    But, the thing is I don’t do windows.

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