I have been on the phone with my mother quite a bit as of late. She is well-intentioned and chock full of advice which she is quick to dispense. She is also more than a little eccentric. I was thinking about some of the things she has said to me over the years and how I do enjoy teasing her about them. I have a good memory and am quite comfortable in putting them in quotes.

“No. Mommy has to get her hair done. It is important I look pretty this week. So, you hold still or the bowl will slip and your bangs will not be even! It will not be my fault!”

“The next time I holler for you I want you to come runnin’! Now, your mommy was lost in the house again and you should have come to me!”

“Your Daddy doesn’t like this song, but it is very important! Learn the words! Cher is an American Indian and she understands how horrible people can be when you’re different!”

“Honey, look. If I put it all on this plate it looks more happy. Like Christmas.”

“Go tell your Daddy that if he shots another hole in my living room wall I am going to put one into his head!”

Upon hearing ‘Love to Love You Baby’ for the first time:
Mommy what is that sound Donna Summers is making?
“Her name is Donna Summer and she is pretendin’ to have a heart attack. That’s all, baby. Just dance!”

“I will take you to see TOMMY if you promise to shut the hell up about it once you see the damned thing! My God!”

“Matt, doesn’t mommy look pretty and tan with this gel on? Your daddy doesn’t like it, but I think I sparkle!”

Frustrated that I was not interested in her offer of a Farrah Fawcett or Peter Frampton poster instead of the two cool Roger Daltrey and Barbra Streisand posters my Aunt Gladys bought for me when I was visiting her in Houston: “I just don’t understand you. Now, you listen to your mother. In a few years no one is even going to remember Roger Daltrey, TOMMY or that loud Barbra Streisand! Now, Peter Frampton and Farrah are here to stay! Most little boys would love to have these posters. What about a Star Wars poster instead of one of those?”

“No! You are NOT wearing those pants to school! Go back and put your bell bottoms back on! I don’t want you lookin’ like poor white trash!”

Mom, why is it called a blow job?
“I don’t know, baby. But, I tell you one thing — I’d rather suck on an old man’s runny nose than put any man’s penis in my mouth!”

“Baby? Is Elton John singing ‘electric boobs’?”
“Well, that is just silly isn’t it?”

After hearing that John Lennon had been assassinated: “This is so sad. He wrote some great music. But, you know I always preferred The Monkees to The Beatles.”

“Well, I’m sorry but I think Christmas trees are prettier when they are spray painted blue!”

“I always knew you were gay. It’s probably my fault. I should have never allowed you to listen to Barbra Streisand! And, are you stoned Mister? Don’t answer that question! I don’t want to know!”

…and, her most recent advice given after she learned I had quit my job: “Well, hon. I think you need to drive to LA and get yourself on one of these game shows! You know all this stuff about movie stars! You’d win a million dollars. I’m serious! Get out there and make some real money!”

January 11, 2007. Uncategorized.


  1. Old Cheeser replied:

    I adore the blow job quote!! Hilarious!! I wish I could have used that one.

    Your Mum is one funny lady. I think her quotes should be published, they’re priceless.

  2. Brookelina replied:

    Your mom rules.

    “but I think I sparkle!”…I’m so using that one.

  3. matty replied:

    Old Cheeser – Love the new profile shot!! She’s a funny one, alright! LOL! You know, she still says that about blow jobs. She is still trying to get me to tell her if I am “the woman” or “the man” in sex. She always wants inappropriate details and has no fear of asking for them at the most inappropriate times. I both look forward to and dread the day she meets Byron and Ingrid. You never know what she might say — especially if I allow her a drink (or two, or three…)

    Brooke! Hi! Yeah, I guess I know where I got my love of gllitter! I remember it made her tan and there were little glitter flakes in it.

    Let’s hope she never gets back on line and sees this. …or, I will never hear the end of it.

  4. Karyn replied:

    Matt. Can we see pictures of your mom? Please?

    I like the “I think I sparkle” one and the one about “Tell your father if he shoots another hole …”

    Good GOD.

    I love you Matty.

  5. ing replied:

    Yes, pictures!!

    (If you think that’s right, I mean.)

    I would so much rather not suck on a runny nose. . .

    And why are you afraid of B and I meeting your mother? Is it because I can’t keep my mouth shut & might give her something else to say?

    As you know, I will be right there by your side.

  6. Minge replied:

    Your Mother sounds divine. Can we see photographs of her, please?

  7. AhvaRahn replied:

    very funny matty (hello, btw, came from *ings place), your mother quotes are brilliant and the ‘don’t answer that! I don’t want to know!’ is very familar.

    my dear mother loves the bee similes -everything is like a bee. “he’s as smart as a bee.” “he’s as quick as a bee.” “he’s as small as a bee” “he’s as noisy as a bee” -it’s lovely. and very endearing. and truth be told, i love her like, eh, a bee, of course.


  8. Robert replied:

    Now aren’t you just like your mother!! πŸ™‚ Funny post Matty. You mom should go to LA herself and write for sitcoms!!!

  9. matty replied:

    Karyn! Awww, I love you too. My mother can be a real hoot or a real pain in the ass — and, sometimes at the same time. When I was a kid I thought she was so gorgeous but always in her own sort of world. But she informed my music tastes and was usually bitter honest with me. And, always my side of goofy. I’ll try to upload a couple of pix. Didn’t you get to meet her once? …she’s let herself go. But, I guess she has the right! And, I sure hope she doesn’t find access to the Net. i will never hear the end of it. …or she might post quite the comment which would be kind of funny. She used to show up as “Anita” …Took me months to figure out that Anita was my mother.

    Ing — Ok, I will upload a couple of pix. I just never kmow what inappropriate thing she might decide to say. Tho, it is usually kind of funny. She might be in her “make believe I’m a proper chruch type lady mode’ — unlikely or she will be in her more normal mode which asks questions like, “Do you have a lot of sex?” “Do you think Matthew is more the woman or man” “I hope you don’t swallow. Or, do you?” …one never knows.

    Minge – funny how what can be divine to others can be diificult when she is your mom! LOL! yes, pictures. I think I have two from the ear of the quotes.

    Avarahn – Thanks for stopping by! I LOVE that your mother compares everything to a bee! I think I might need to start doing that!

  10. matty replied:

    Robert! LOL! Actually, as I get older I can see a lot of my mother in me!! But, I hope it is the good parts. She would love the idea that someone thinks she should be writing for sitcoms. Tho, I think her creative talent lies in drawing/painting. She is a bit of a nut, but I guess so am I. Oh well.

  11. hot-lunch replied:

    coolest entry ever.

  12. matty replied:

    Hot Lunch! LOL! I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  13. Sorted Lives replied:

    and look how normal you turned out. Go figure? πŸ˜‰

  14. matty replied:

    Dearest Sorted, thank you! Tho, my boyfriend is likely to say that I am not all that normal. However, I disagree. I am very normal! …with a twist.

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