I thought I had spotted and tracked yak (or quite possibly a llama) while we were exploring the Yosemite National Park this weekend. However, I was told that the beast was actually a deer. Luckily, the mounty stopped me just before I was about to deal the final blow. Apparently, one can only club baby seals. One is not to ever club yaks, llamas, poodles or deer for any reason at any time. Well, you learn something new every day — and my weekend at Yosemite was no exception!

And, one should only remove the pelt of a baby seal after it has been club’d to death. And, one should never attempt to remove the pelt of a live yak at no time. I guess it is considered even worse if the live yak turns out to be a living deer. It upsets park rangers and children alike. The mounty explained this to me as B paid him $500 to avoid my being shackled to a tree and beaten by a mob of angry tourists. That would not have been much fun.
…please do not feed, club or skin the yaks! It’s the law!

I also learned that, should an angry bear appear and attempt to attack/eat you, all that need be done is to take an ordinary stove top pot and a frying pan, bang them together — and the horrific monster of an animal will run away from you for dear life. Who knew? Tho, this is useless information for him now — it would have been nice if that dude from GRIZZLY MAN had known this. I mean, he could have prevented that bear from eating both himself and his girlfriend. Sigh. So it goes.

I did see The Blair Witch. No matter how hard one tries, sometimes you just can’t reach other people. I was unable to convince anyone else that the lady serving us behind the salad bar at the lodge was THE evil spirit better known in the Washington State Mountains, but she was! And, she seemed hellbent on stealing and eating Yosemite National Park children! But, I know what I know. I did my best to warn those around me. What more can a boy do?!?!?

I also noted how alarmingly similar some Yosemite trees are to human genitalia. I saw a pussy tree and a penis stick. And, much to the amusement of a Boy Scout team, B discovered a tit bush. A rather large tit bush I might add. Interestingly, these were all located along the lower Yosemite Falls trail. B did not see any mountain lions, but he did spot a large man seated behind an odd tree reading a big book.

We saw a couple of men climbing what appeared to be a large rock but I am fairly certain it was just a grizzles mountain with a waterfall. B explained to me that all mountains are really just rocks. I can hardly imagine Julie Andrews running about singing about that baby coming to life with the sound of music, but what do I know of mountains and wayward nuns? However, from what I was able to gather from B and The Blair Witch, the earth is actually just a big rock — third one from the sun, in fact. But, B’s brother pulled me aside and confirmed what I’d always suspected. You got it. The earth is actually a soft puff ball on the flea of a giant dog on Planet Nuko. I knew it all along. A, B’s bro, asked me to keep this between just he and I but I feel the need to share this knowledge with you.

Oh, and I learned that when one is in full admiration of the majestic surroundings of Yosemite National Park it will not please everyone if you strip off your clothes and dance about your ode to nature. Apparently, going nude at Yosemite is not considered cool and gets you a ticket from which no amount of bribe offers or sexual favors will gain release. I learned this the hard way. I hope this helps those of you who might be so inspired. I also learned another valuable lesson: sometimes the beauty of nature will seem to create a feeling of warmth and goose bumps. Well, my friends, sometimes that feeling is just gas. And, well — you guessed it. This mistake in understanding your emotions will generate a hefty fine and a series in stern lectures from park rangers and your boyfriend. However, I do feel that there needs to be a serious review of the rather prudish sex and hunting laws of the park.

Anyway, Yosemite is pretty. Just don’t go clubbing the yaks, bothering The Blair Witch when she is busy entrancing children at the salad bar, or dance about naked. Mind these suggestions and you might have a good time. …And learn a few things along the way! Oh, and watch out for that tourist with the thick Bavarian accent. She is trouble with a capital “T” — I refuse to go into detail but let’s just say that her sense of fun borders on the obscene and I, for one, was shocked!

It’s good to be back home!

October 29, 2006. Uncategorized.


  1. joe replied:

    hmmmm, this post sounds like you were kidnapped by the blair witch and ex-Mrs. Paul McCartney, and then trapped in the rock like the encino man.

  2. ing replied:

    I’m back! Exhausted, that’s what I am. We had sooo much fun, but it was friggin’ COLD!

    How did you like setting up the tent and cooking over a fire? Did you catch any fish?

  3. matt replied:

    Joe — Well, I think The Blair Witch was after the Yosemite children. It was most worrying. Encino is in California but I think it is closer to LA.

    Ing — You’re home! I’ve been missin’ you like crazy. Much learned while in the park. Didn’t try to fish and some issues came up which prevented us from being able to fully camp but it was an adventure. You would have been proud! We played lots of Moondog the whole time!!!

  4. meno replied:

    I think you are right about most of those animals, but i know for a fact that it’s okay to club a poodle.

  5. Me replied:

    oh my. You told me you were hiking. I didn’t realize you were actually camping. Like in a tent. Outside. My poor dear Matty. And furthermore… the laws regarding clubbing cute animals do not protect poodles. In fact, I read in a big thick lawbook (it’s what we use here to start our fires) that it is illegal NOT to club poodles.
    Glad you made it back safely.

  6. Karyn replied:

    Oh honey. I think I wet myself laughing at this.

    Glad you had fun. Was that fun? Glad you’re back safely.


  7. ing replied:

    Well, I’m sorry you didn’t get to camp out, as I know you were looking forward to it.

    And I’m glad you avoided being tied to the pussy tree. If only you were allowed to skin a yak, you could hide beneath it while performing your nude nature-worship dance and nobody would club you. Except, perhaps, The Blair Witch. She gets to do whatever she wants, I hear.

    I hope the gas has finally passed. Until it has, avoid nature at all costs. I’m not letting you ride in my car until it has.

  8. Daniel, the Guy in the Desert replied:

    I’m devastated that the clubbing part didn’t work out for you; Perhaps you can try urban clubbing, the dynamics are a little different, but you can combine it with the nude dancing part. You might miss having trees, but you’re sure to have fun, especially if you go on baby seal night.
    oh, and send pics of the nude dancing this time. I don’t want to see stupid rocks. It’s all about the skin. Skin baby, skin!

  9. matt replied:

    meno — Thank you! I will remember this on my way to work this morning. I usually see at least one poodle!

    Lovely Meredith – Thank you! Yes! It was very hard — even tho, in the end, we were not able to fully camp. Something about my “behavior” or something. But, still — just the pressure of the idea that I might have to go inside one of those tiny tents was really stressing me out. Further, the other “campers” didn’t care for my boom box booming out Goldfrapp. Now. What kind of camp is that anyway?!!?!? But, I’m back in the city safe and sound! …club in hand.

    Karyn — LOL! Yes! I did have fun. Nature is “pretty”

    Ing – I know! Oh, the gas situation was settled in a matter of minutes. Which resulted in a rather large ticket. So, I’m all safe to ride in cars again!

    Daniel — You know, that might be a good idea. Not sure, tho. There were pictures taken. However, all the cameras broke. Odd, that.

  10. Brookelina replied:

    I was expecting a different story after reading the title.

  11. matt replied:

    Brooke — You know, I almost told the WHOLE story but I was worried that I might offend. …Or, that my story would be turned into a big splashy bway musical.

  12. ing replied:

    Is bway slang for one of those nice videos they sell at that store in the Castro?

  13. matt replied:

    Ing – Was that the store in The Castro where you mistook the cock rings for “pretty braceletts” ? …and, proceeded to try them all on before I could stop you? If so, then no. The videos at that store were the ones that inspired you to shriek, “Oh, no! Sir! Please! Don’t do that!” …I believe those were “fisting” videos.

    …I don’t think we’re allowed to go in that store anymore. Or, was it the clothing store from which we were ejected? I forget.

    But any store visit with you is much fun!

    No, I mean “bway” as in Broadway — in New York. “Debbie Does Dallas” has become a big musical. It’s kind of odd and scary. Would not want my advenures in Yosemite to be treated in such a way. Tho, I did dream up a big musical number. Sigh.

  14. ing replied:

    Musicals scare the shite out of me, but I’d love to see a musical rendering of Matty running three miles to catch a sunset.

    And yes, the store you mention was the store I referr’d to. And those were BRACELETS, Matty. BRACELETS. Do not contradict me. I will not be contradicted by you. RAaauuurrrrh!

    (That’s sound of an elephant exerting her dominance.)

  15. matt replied:

    Ing — I don’t want to get you upset, but those were not bracelets. That was why the big buryly guy was looking at you so oddly as you tried them on. Also, I wish you would believe me on this: those hard rubber items you purchased there are not paper weights. Not that I care what others think — and, I guess, they do hold your papers down. I like your roar!

  16. ing replied:

    Okay, so what do you call that pretty string of beads I bought? I’m assuming that I’m not to make earrings out of them?

  17. matt replied:

    Oh, Ing! No! Did you really purchase those when my back was turned?!?!? Those were not beads for earrings! Those are called BenWah balls! …and, they were in the used basket! Sweetie, those things have been to places you don’t want to think about! Now, toss them away and think “STERILIZATION! STERILIZATION!”

    …oh dear. I hope you’ve not already been wearing them!

  18. ginab replied:

    Being of late a little out of the loop, I can still spot a deer from a yak, but why Matty you diner beau would think of venicin (sp) seal mix of yak for sudden dinner, I don’t know unless it was the price tag.

    With all that said, you can find nipples under the hood of a car.


  19. Dessie replied:




  20. matt replied:

    Gina — Yes! You know, someone emailed a photo of a yak to me. They do look different from deers! I never knew! Now, I am curious to look under a hood of a car. Not sure I’ve done that since the late 80’s.

    Dessie — Yes, well — nature does inspire one, doesn’t it?

  21. ing replied:

    You can look under the hood of my car if you promise to give it a tune-up. And please don’t pierce any nipples while you’re in there. . .

  22. matt replied:


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