The day should have been a good one. The office was closed. He only had to go in for a few hours. He was able to sleep later than usual for a Friday morning. And, he slept next to the amazing man with whom he was starting a life. As he left the apartment he was expecting to find an extra bit of energy in his step, but as he stepped out into the cool morning he found his step sluggish. True, he knew he might be catching that bug that had been nagging at several people in his life but he knew he could rise above that.

As he sat at the office running through the few chores which needed to be done before his half day ended he found his patience with the customers wearing thin. Being alone in the office should have been fun. He had his music blaring and sat at the PC which he preferred to his own. Yet, nothing felt right.

His stomach felt so empty. He had forgotten to eat breakfast. He took a break from his break and walked over to the diner down the block. He ordered a cheese omelet and a Diet Coke. He ate it and returned to the empty office and pushed on through the work. He was sluggish and tired.

He was thankful for so much. His life was finally taking form again. He is in love. He continue to have profound friendships that bring life such meaning. His finances are not good but they are getting better. As the half day came to a close he thought of what he might do as he killed the time between then and when his love came home. He could go to the piers, have a pretzel, listen to the water and watch the tourists milling about. Or, he could try to take in a movie. He could window shop. He could go home and read.

As he locked the office door he realized he didn’t feel so great. Not so much sick as just tired. He took the long way home with iPod on low. He had half a slice of pizza and read some of the NY Times which only bummed him out more. The city was covered in that sort of haze that comes to San Francisco before rainy season starts. Not exactly cold but not at all warm. Not going to rain but certainly not going to sun — this wasn’t so much fog as a dreary day wanting for rain but not getting any.

He came home. Cleaned the kitchen. Organized his papers which had been sitting in a neat stack since he moved in. He listened to Bonnie Prince Billy which seemed to fit the mood of the day. His audio costume for the day.

He wanted a cigarette but managed to fight the urge. He sat on the fire escape and started counting the moments till his love would come home. He was longing to touch his lover’s lips with his own. He knew that this would not turn this unexpected bummer of a day around. However, he did know that it would make all the difference.

Like the annoying little girl in the curly red wig sang, the sun will come out tomorrow. It’s cool, but a bit cold at the moment. As he looked at the neighbor’s suspicious Buddha below he thought of the pictures his mother drew last summer and mailed to him in a somewhat random fashion. They would arrive in an envelope with post notes saying things like, “Love you. Mom” or “Just thinking of you. Mom” —- He loved these pictures. None of them made much sense but he enjoyed the odd formation of communication from his mother which has since stopped.

And, for the first time all day, he smiled.

Just forty-five more minutes till his love comes home. He can’t wait but he knew he would have to anyway.

October 13, 2006. Uncategorized.


  1. matt replied:

    Oh, so now I know why I was feeling so “odd” — Last night B wanted to go to the Tower Records at the Stonestown Mall. We did. We had dinner at In&Out Burger …and, then I got sick. I never seem to “get it” when I am getting sick. oh well. today, I feel betta.

  2. Daniel, the Guy in the Desert replied:

    I really really love the emotional complexity of this. I was so worried at the beginning that something tragic would happen, and I absolutely hate gay writing where somebody dies or gets something fatal or their lover dos something cruel. So you had me captured in a state of dread fascination, until the turning point came.
    I really envy you your relationship with your mother. Truly,I do.
    I just feel all snuggly now, and I owe it to you.
    Many thanks..

  3. Daniel, the Guy in the Desert replied:

    You silly man, so it was a bad burger?

  4. ing replied:

    What’s all this nonsense about “rising above” a cold? Matty, when you are one hundred and seven and you’re feeding me with a spoon and your ticker gives out, you’re going to “rise above” it and keep spooning it in until you keel over.

    My cell phone did not ring today. What’s up with that?!

  5. ing replied:

    p.s. get betta! Crispin is expecting us!

  6. matt replied:

    Daniel — Oh, thanks! No, it wasn’t a bad burger. I think I caught B’s little bug. Fun stuff. Not. But, I slept a lot yesterday and late today so I think I’m feelin’ betta. Sometimes I don’t realize I’m sick till I toss my cookies. I’m smart like that. Oh, and apparently I was a bitchy Friday afternoon. ooops.

    Ing — I will spoon forever. No fears. And, no fear regarding Mr. Glover! B & I shall be there with pretty gay bells on! Do you have your phone on “silent mode” by mistake? I do that all the time. Or, I forget to turn it off. Or, TMobile turns it off and it takes me over a week to notice. It happens. Are you still storming the stage for Crispin?

  7. Me replied:

    Hey, darlin, hope you’re feeling better. I’m sitting here in flannel and fuzzy slippers, experiencing one of those soggy west coast days. Normally I love that but somehow I just feel kind of tired and worn out. I hope B is taking care of you.

  8. matt replied:

    Lovely Meredith — I’m feeling better but still kind of crappy. Promised a friend I would meet him for a movie. So, I am about to leave. I figure — “why not sit in the dark and watch a movie?” …seems like I’ve slept enough!!?!?

  9. joe replied:

    well! I’ve kinda got busy with work (what else?) and here you’ve gone and get sick. hope you are up and about, getting on with new adventures. and gees, I miss reading a few posts and everything is all new!

  10. matt replied:

    Joe!!! Hi! I’ve missed your blog!!! Will have to see if you’ve posted some new adventures! I’m feeling much better — had soup for dinner and plan to turn in early. Sure I will be fine by the ‘morrow!

  11. Fourhorsemen replied:

    I used to live close to Stonestown. i would walk there.

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