As I am want to do while engaging in conversations with my friends I pursued a better understanding of us all by asking when we each discovered the magical powers of masturbation. Being my friends, no one was at all ashamed or afraid to discuss in detail. So, it was very interesting.

I discovered that I was a bit late in the game. I have already written about when my Gay Little Heart found its way to an erection. …While watching Kris Kristofferson romp about sans clothes with Babs in A STAR IS BORN. I was a little kid. I was frightened and had to ask for an explanation from my 70’s mom (who was at my side watching the film in a sold out cinema)

However, it would be several years before I discovered to what an erection could lead me to.

For me, I was about 13 years old. I was in the tub reading “Rolling Stone” — I can remember spending more time than was required looking at the cover photo of Robin Williams. I remember being worried that I was getting the newsprint wet. Yeah. Am I the only one old enough to remember when Rolling Stone was a newspaper type magazine?!?! Anyway, I placed the magazine down on the yellow tile floor next to the tub. Yes, I had an erection. By this time I thought nothing of it. I was not ashamed or embarrassed but I knew to be discreet. My mother was quite sex positive until she decided to go thru a Born Again phase which lasted a horrible 5 years — but that, my friends, is a whole other story and decade.

This was 1979 and Mom was still listening to Elton John.

Anyway, back to my discovery of the Big O. I had to raise up on my knees to reach the soap. Ivory Soap, I might add. As I reached up for the soap the hot water poured down, um, on me. Well, this gush of hot water created a favorable sin-sa-tion. I remember staying fixed with the water running full force on, um, me. I remember turning to my left and glancing down at Mork on the cover of The Rolling Stone. …and, I will never forget the feeling that took me over. My thighs felt like they were giving ‘way. I had to turn away from the lovely picture and hold my palms out in front of me against the tiles. I came.

I fell back into the water sending a wave of soapy water over the tub and on to the floor and fully drenching the magazine which had led me to such pleasure. Pleasure. Well, to be honest. I was also quite frightened. I remember thinking that I must have somehow gotten soap inside me. What was that stuff?!?!?

Well, this brought me to another conversation with my mom. Luckily, she didn’t use any of the posters on my wall as visual pointers. (and I did not tell her of the Robin Williams picture) …she seemed to be fairly sure I was gay anyway.

She always blamed Barbra Streisand. Granted. It was odd for a 4 year old to become obsessed with Barbra Streisand. She felt I played “The Wet” LP way more than was necessary. Oh well. I think she still might blame Babs for my being gay. Anyway, she explained that the stuff was sperm and all normal. Actually, she had explained sex to me over and over again. I think she was a bit annoyed. I remember her pinning up her hair as she was getting ready for a swim, “You came. That’s all. No big deal. I’ve got get going” — and, with that she picked up my baby brother and they tailed it to the pool where she would flirt with the guy who owned a local record store. Sadly, she never followed thru on the flirting and re-married my orge of a father. But, once again, that is a whole different blog.

Within a few months I had discovered the pleasures that could be added with the aid of my Grandmother’s Vasoline.
I spent a lot of time with her in Houston. I would hang out at her pool and watch her hot gay neighbors swim in the apartment complex pool. One was a hair stylist and the other was about to become a doctor. The stylist had hair just like John Travolta from the BOY IN THE PLASTIC BUBBLE days and his lover had his hair really short like a new wave singer. I would not go swimming with them because, well, they rather excited the 13 year old in me. I think they knew. I remember both of them asking me about the movies and music I liked. The punk looking-soon-to-be-doctor attempted to explain that Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” was actually about Elton’s penis. (it was only recently that I realized what he was talking about) …Anyway, I kept trying to steer the conversation away from things gay to things like weed, Pink Floyd, The Who and Led Zep (all of which I had become a bit of an expert) …but they only wanted to pry into me about being possibly queer.

“Matty, have you heard the 12″ version of ‘No More Tears’?”
“Do you like Ted’s wife beater? Do you want one?”
“Come on in and swim! Did you want to cry at the end of ‘A Star Is Born’?”

…my answer to these questions was really “yes” but I always said “no” before giving myself away.

One of them asked me if I liked to play with my tube sock. I remember I was wearing my blue gym shorts with matching tube socks. When I asked what he meant they both laughed. My Grandmother was inside baking cookies. The stylist told me that he used to jerk off into his gym socks.

About 3 minutes later filled with thoughts of my Grandmother’s gay neighbors in their tiny jean cut-offs which were acting as swim trunks — I was locked in my Grandmother’s powder blue bathroom. Lying on her blue carpet, my feet pushed against her blue toilet and my head jammed against the blue door. I scooped out a large portion of her Vaseline and inserted into one of my tube socks. I then slid the sock over, um, me. I closed my eyes. Moved my hand around my sock and, well — let’s just say my thighs/knees gave out a lot that summer.

1979. Me, my tube sock, a glob of Vaseline and a blue bathroom. Sigh. Oh, the joys of self-discovery. Sure, over the course of the years I’ve done my share of exploration and continue to do so. But, there is some thing magical about discovering what joys can come from within and spring from out the mind.

God bless Robin Williams — and my Grandmother’s gay neighbors where ever they all might be. Hmmmm….

September 5, 2006. Uncategorized.


  1. Chris Capp replied:

    Wow. What a memory, Matt. I only remember learning about STDs in health class and assuming that the “burning sensation” meant that I had somehow — without thrill or really any sexual contact — contracted a very serious STD. I was sure I was dying. Until I realized I hadn’t actually done anything that could lead to that.

    Yikes. The early teens. What a hideous time.

    Great blog, my friend. I admire your boldness.

  2. Karyn replied:

    NO WAY that is what Tiny Dancer is about! Not really! Say it isn’t so! …Is it? Really? I am such a fool.

    And you have stones of titanium. Well done.

  3. DanNation replied:

    Wow – great post. I discovered masturbation quite by accident. And, it too, was around a movie actor (Richard Gere) in the late 70s.

  4. Kalvin replied:

    You have to be kidding me! Robin Williams? And I’m so happy you had gay role models. Color me insanely jealous.

  5. Daniel, the Guy in the Desert replied:

    How hot and sweet that you had a couple of gay “uncles” to help you along the way. Can’t you imagine how they enjoyed remembering what it was like for them, just discovering the world of sex. I didn’t have anybody to tell me about tube socks. I had my brother, who was gay too, but we were kind of stranded.

  6. teh l4m3 replied:

    Hmm… Maybe it’s a difference of age, but for me, Robin Williams and erections are pretty much mutually exclusive.

    Now Dennis Quaid, on the other, um, hand…

  7. Brookelina replied:

    We will never fight over men. See how perfect we are together!!!


  8. Miss Marisol replied:

    matty —
    what a fantastic post!
    i adore you….

  9. Errol replied:

    What a hoot!!! I remember the same whole shower accident myself and thought WTF!!! We used some soap called cashmere something or another—LOL! It was a good accident thats for sure….Great Blog!! and Great Post!! Loved it!!

  10. josh williams replied:

    It never occured to me tube socks were so…multi-functional. I was a child prodigy when it came to self love.
    I have a friend that to this day claims he did not spank until he was in college…I lost a little respect for the poor fool when I realized he was telling the truth.

  11. matt replied:

    Chris — Thank you! I’m glad you didn’t catch an STD without any sexual contact. One would hope that if one had to get one it would be from something fun. Yeah, the early teens sucked. So to speak.

    Karyn — Yeah, I think Tiny Dancer is a bit more personal than we imagined. And, thanks! They aren’t that tuff, but I wish they were!

    Dannation – Hey! Thanks for visiting my blog! I would say had much better taste than I back in the 70’s. Mr. Gere tops Robin Williams every time. …well, so to speak.

    Kalvin — LOL! Well, it was my first time and it was a shirtless man with a hairy chest. What can I say! LOL! I guess they could have been role models if I had given them the chance. I think I was too nervous around them. I wonder whatever happened to them. I know that they moved to a condo in the early 80’s. Hope they are OK and still together. That would be cool.

    Daniel! I bet they would have called themselves “Aunties” — they were cool. That is neat that you and your bro are both gay! Tube sock or not — there must have been comfort in that. I remember feeling so alone for so long.

    Teh14M3 — LOL! I think it could have been a picture of any male undressed and it would have done the trick. But, back when I was 12 and Robin Williams was Mork — I think he was considered a bit of a sex symbol — hence the topless RS cover. But, I agree. I could have done better. I am thinking Richard Gere as mentioned by Dannation.

    Brooke! I would never get in the way of you and any man, baby! LOL! And, yes, Goldfrapp!!!!!

    Miss Marisol! Thank you! So cool to see you here! And, that means a great deal to me coming from you. Kisses. I just know I will get to meet you and Mr. G one of these days. I need to get to NYC soon! I haven’t seen my little brother in too long!!! And, today is his birthday!!

    Errol — Thanks!!! Wow! Nice soap for a pretty mess of an accident! LOL!

    Commander Josh — I would have guessed that you had ace’d the art long before the average chap! You rock and rule as per usual. I salute you!!!

  12. Lubridan replied:

    Awesome post on the discovery of self-gratification! Robin Williams, though… Oh, well. No judgement here! I’ve jozzed over some guys in the past that I would not even sneeze at this days!

  13. Bruce replied:

    A great reminiscence, beautifully written. These “discovery” stories bind us all together, since so many of us have them. We all still carry with us the bitter sweet taste of that extasy mixed with shame of our first experiences with gay sexual arousal (We all somehow knew that we were not supposed to respond to men that way.)

    I agree only partially with Chris. Early teens were a hideous time. But the wild passion stimulated in a twelve or thirteen year old heart (or cock) by the thought/ sight of a beautiful, strong man’s arms or chest can never quite be replicated.

    And you know that, too, Matt. Otherwise you probably wouldn’t have written about it.

  14. matt replied:

    Lubridan! Thank you! Awww, poor Robin Williams. He was kind of hot in his own way back the 70’s. Of course, I also had a thing for the Captain of Captian & Tennile fame when I was a child. Hmmmm… Go figure, right? LOL!

    Bruce — Thanks, yeah — I think we all take moments from our being for granted. Those moments of self-discovery are all so important. And, being gay adds to all the complexities of something which should be so natural. …but, which our society forbids. Gay, straight, male, female or other wise — I think “that moment” is so important for each of us but we store it up somewhere and keep it to ourselves more out of shame than privacy.

  15. josh williams replied:

    Yep thanks Matt I was a regular Dugey Hauser…(sp)

  16. matt replied:

    Commander Josh — You never cease to impress!!!

  17. Me replied:

    As fate would have it I was online purchasing socks which is what one does when one lives in a place where the only socks available come in packages of 6 and can be purchased in a store called The Trading Post.
    And they had these “vintage” tube socks very much like the ones you feature in your story. I won’t be buying them.
    Have I told you lately that I adore you?

  18. matt replied:

    Lovely Meredith! I adore you, too!

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