I just wanted to take a few minutes to share this moment with you. It is about 25 minutes after Noon as I sit at my favorite table at my favorite cafe — you know, the one not too far from Castro Street but far enough that I don’t feel totally enslaved to tourism and the beat. Anyway, I am sitting here. The impossibly thin and bitchy woman is ordering her coffee from the sweet little boy who works the counter. The guy who always chats with me has shaved his head (a mistake in my opinion) seems to be pondering life — or, possibly his oddly formulated omelet. And, here I am. Watching. Not much is happening to report in my little Hello Kitty pocket journal which I can later transcribe. No, this is a very free-form moment filled with possibilites.

I am not being honest.

Yes. This is a free form moment, but it is not wrought with possibilites. Mainly — this moment is about my shoes. Yeah, my shoes. Last night as I worked my way down Market Street to check my mail box I stopped by one of my favorite thrift shops and finally gave in and bought those $12 pair of sneakers. The brown ones by Steve Madden with the pink stripes and pink laces. They are perfect. And, they are on my feet. Size 8. No one has made mention of my “new” shoes excepting Alan who commented as I whisked by him to catch the M train, “My, but those shoes have a bit of a pink streak!”

I am not being honest.

Yes. Alan did make comment on my way-cool-perfect shoes, but he said, “Matt, your shoes are pink.”

“Is that bad?”

“No. They are absolutely fabulous.” …but, Alan said this in a tone which indicated that he was more amused than impressed. He did, however, like my print shirt which is filled with images from B-grade Karate flicks of the 70’s. Silk-screened so that the images over-lap and look like drawings. I had forgotten I had picked this up a month or so ago.

But, I wish you could see me in my karate flick designer, pink/brown shoes and vintage jeans glory. No so much because I think I look good or anything — but because I want to know if you think I look like a victim of fashion, a slave to it or an urban hipster queer waiting to meet up with his best pal and his boyfriend (who I hope might really like me and will not dump me when he discovers my many faults) —- You see, I want to share this minute with you to find out if I look OK or just bad.

I don’t think any of us have the ability to actually “see” or “understand” how we look. I am not sure that is even possible. I see this all the time. Just look over at the flirty guy who shaved his head. Or, my Ing who has not concept of how very hot she is. Or, that girl who sat by me on the M train wearing the “baby doll” t-shirt and tight jeans which served only to cause us all to focus on this big roll of fat which hung over her jeans and betrayed her attempted look. I don’t think she would have worn that outfit had she realized. And, the look could have worked had she been working it — but her insecurity undermined any possible charm of cuteness her clothing might have accented.

Yesterday someone started in on a topic which I shall not make mention of here. But, the long and short of his rant was that he and I needed to teach all those mid-to-late 30’s men how not to dress. To be honest, I thought he was being kind of mean to me but it turned out that he thought I was in my late 20’s — he thought I was his age. ?????

Now, I know I should walk away from this feeling cool. However, I walked away wondering why or how he could possibly mistake me for being 28 or 29 and, if he really did —- does this mean that I act immature? When the person who was with me asked him how old he thought I was and then told him my age (oh, and thanks for that!) he responded by saying that I was so “young looking” “cool” “thin” and “dressed so well” — but, were these back-handed compliments? I am not fishing here. No, I am simply sharing my thoughts and insecurities. I am — sharing this moment.

So, I do wish I could show you “my look” of the moment. My costume for the day. My Little Eddy Moment.

Last night Alan and I watched Araki’s film version of MYSTERIOUS SKIN. I had not seen it since it played in cinemas last year. It blew both of us away. And, reminded both of us how very lame The OSCARS really are. This was the best acted film of 2005. And, that Joseph Gordon Levitt may turn out to be the most important actor to come our way in years. Remarkable work. And, OK — I am comfortable enough to admit it. I think he is incredibly hot. I know he is only something like 25, but he is so fucking cute. So hot that it doesn’t even matter that he really doesn’t have an ass. I am NOT a dirty old man. I am just saying — he’s really hot. …and, he gave the best performance of 2005. If you ask me. Actually, I guess he might be in a tie with Jennifer Jason Leigh who took only five minutes of PALINDROMES and totally rocked the screen as a 12 year old girl. Amazing.

Speaking of MYSTERIOUS SKIN — both, Alan and I had to admit guilt in that we found the pedophile coach in the movie to be pretty hot. Well, not the pedophile coach, but the actor playing the pedophile coach. He was hot. Tho, not as hot as Mr. Gordon Levitt. But, Bill Sage is certainly more age appropriate for both of us.

Even still, this incredible guy I’ve met, “B” — is better looking than both of these movie actors. And, equally talented. Just in a different area. He is a really gifted artist. He was working on an art project for a queer theory class he is taking when I first met him. He presented the finished project to the prof and the class earlier this week. He told me it was a big hit. He also told me that I served as his “muse” —- No one has ever called me a “muse” before. I was so flattered. Tho, I think I’d rather be a “siren”. ….You know, calling sailors off their charted course and into the rocks of doom and the depths of death. I’m so romantic. …Must be the shoes. They have a pink streak.

Well, kids. This was my moment. No spell or gram check. Pure and true — the moment. Shared.

iPod Shuffle, Saturday Morning On My Way to My Moment…
“Slide In (DFA Remix)” by Goldfrapp
“Weekend (James Iha Remix)” by Ladytron
“Plotzich Is Alles Anders” by Stereo Total
“Youth In Asia” by Dirty Sanchez
“The Ballad of Sexor” by Tiga
“Like A Motorway” by Saint Etienne
“You Better, You Bet” by The Who
“Paris Four Hundred” by Mylo
“Koko” by Goldfrapp
“You Can Feel Me” by Har Mar Superstar
“Killing A Boy” by Melody Club
“I Go Hard, I Go Home” by The Presets
“Fistful of Love” by Antony & The Johnsons

May 20, 2006. Uncategorized.


  1. Matt replied:

    Interesting post.

    I was actually at Peet’s next door plowing through The Wings of the Dove, something that I’ve wanted to read for a long time and that has nothing to do with school or teaching obligation. I spent the past couple months jotting notes and reading books on gay rights and by gay fiction writers in preparation for summer class. Anyway, I should have stopped by your fave cafe!

    You do look like you’re 29! LOL I was checking out your pictures in Yahoo and boy, I like the one when you emerged out from the portable potty at gay pride. You look like a 25 years old LOL

    Size 8 shoes?!? OMG thought my size is small.

  2. Brooke replied:


    I just read Matt’s comment and totally thought you were commenting to yourself.

  3. ing replied:

    Stop, stop, stop! assuming that these are back-handed compliments! The vast majority of people don’t give those. Only moms do that, and only because they’re pretty sure we won’t disown them. If someone bothers to pay you a compliment, they usually mean it.

    Since this boy seems to value youthfulness, take his comment in context & know that in his eyes it was a real compliment. Each of his qualifiers refers to your appearance, so you can rest assured that you weren’t acting “immature.”

    Bed time!

    (I’m glad I got to meet “B”! — I will say no more here, but I will leave you with the positive vibes of my reaction)

  4. jungle jane replied:

    i am certain you look fantastic! those shoes sound like they were made specifically with you in mind. i am sure they confirm your status as a 29 year old lookalike too.

    Tell me, Matty…you didn’t mention your diet coke today. have you switched to a new drink? a cup of tea maybe?

  5. g8s replied:

    I think you’re probably right; most people probably don’t really know what they look like, but I think it’s interesting how much the way they feel about themselves shows through, regardless. And about the age thing? I think people don’t act their age, but rather they act the age which other people expect them to be. In the United States, we, as a culture, equate old age with weight gain, conservative attitudes, and feeble actions, but these stereotypes have only had reinforcement for the last forty or so years — our great-grandparents were spitfires!

    I haven’t yet seen Mysterious Skin, but Jennifer Jason Leigh — enough said.

    Oh, and by the way, if you haven’t yet heard ‘Lightning Strikes Twice’ by Saint Etienne, you should acquire it immediately. You’ll like it.

  6. Tim replied:

    Matt, I bet your shoes are awesome, and if anybody I know can pull off wearing such fab shoes, it is surely you my dear. Ing is right, from what you say it sounds like that guy was definitely intending to pay you a compliment. I’d be grateful to be half as cool as you when I’m your age – not that you’re old, but y’know, you’re like a father figure to me ;-p

  7. Motor City Monk replied:

    Hey – I saw Goldfrapp on Letterman last week. They sound pretty good. Might have to check out that middle CD.

  8. ginab replied:

    Yes, you know, Mysterious Skin was a damned important and well acted film. I never remember the actor’s name (not even right now, I am so lazy (truth!)), but he’s better than most. he’s better than best. he has an oscar in his pants.

  9. matt replied:

    Matt — Next week you should poke your head in and see if I’m there! Peet’s is soooo crowded! How do you find a seat??!?!? LOL! I don’t think I look like 29, but I’m glad I looked good emerging from the toilets! Wow — I was a lot heavier back then!!! Oh, and I made a type-0 — my shoes are a size 9!

    brooke! Yes! Pink! No, matt is a different person. thus far i’ve not yet began commenting to myself. if I do, let’s just hope I don’t answer…

    Ing! I love you! And, you like “B”!!! He is seriously rocking my world…

    Jungle Jane — I received all sorts of compliments on my pink/brown sneakers today!!! Yay! I wish I could tell you I was having some herbal tea or something, but no. I shall not lie. I had 2 cans of Diet Coke. …but with ice so I got some water!!!!

    Mr. G! I LOVE Saint Etienne — so, yes, I love that tune!!! Tho, I do love Goldfrapp more. I only need the LIVE at BRIXTON ACADEMY CD set and I’ve got the whole complete limited edition collection from the UK! …but this one set is not to be found anywhere. Most upsetting. Next paycheck I’m going on a mission!!

    Tim — I like the shoes! I shall post a picture! Can I be your Older Brother Figure instead of your Father Figure? …or, do you mean in the George Michael sense?

    Motor City Monk! You simply must get “Supernature” by Goldfrapp! It should be in everyone’s CD collection — same thing with Bongwater’s “The Power of Pussy” …everyone should have that as well.

    Gina – I agree. I think people are horrified to admit how very important and how very real the “story” depicted in that film is. Yeah, I really think he is going to be an important film actor. Hated BRICK, tho.

  10. Kris replied:

    Ya know he probably just would not have said anything if he didn’t mean it. I really haven’t known anyone who gives out compliments just because, instead of just keeping their mouths shut. And you being mistaken that you’re in your late 20’s wowww.. People would give their front teeth to hear that. Oh wait, doubt they will if they gave their front teeth up.

    So it’s “B” eh.. good to know things are working out between ya two.

  11. Tim replied:

    OK then Matty, it’s a deal. Bro it is! Now that we’re family, any chance that I could your cool new sneakers? ;-p

  12. matt replied:

    Kris — big kiss to you!!!

    Tim — Yay! Sure, you can borrow my sneaks anytime you like!!!!

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