THOUGHTS FROM A WINDY NIGHT ON NOB HILL…As I walked my way up Nob Hill to have dinner with a nice guy whom I recently met, I began to think about the importance of connection. The need to embrace. The need to hold. The need to be together. And the fears that we all have wrapped around those things. I was filled with a sense of hope. A feeling of yearning.

This is not about loneliness or fear of being alone — this is simply about the importance of understanding the human need for love.

After my date, as I walked back down Nob Hil, I felt some relief.

I also felt a sense of regret that often creeps up when we realize that a choice made did not lead to the place (or feeling) for wish we aspired. Instead, that choice had brought me in an opposite direction.

A connection can turn into a disconnect and a touch can be fleeting. It can be false. It can be without meaning.

This is not about sadness or failure. This is about life. And, it isn’t always easy. In fact, it can be fucking hard.

However, the air is clean. The city is beautiful. And, life is filled with hope. You have no choice but to soldier on and continue to search for that connection.

April 15, 2006. Uncategorized.


  1. Dessie replied:

    You won’t like me saying it but, I still think your expectations are too high.

  2. ing replied:

    I say aim high, but don’t regret what you experience along the way. You can’t hit your mark every time. At least you tried.

  3. digitic replied:

    Yay! It’s Deconstruct Matty Day!!!

    And *I* say … oh wait … I’m a monk in training (pants)! Does that count?

    You know my theories, Matt, but hang in there. It will happen when it happens and probably when you least expect — or want — it to. I truly believe that.

    I’m not sure if I agree with Dessie since in my mind, not having expectations implies that you don’t know what you’re looking for or know what you want.

    Understanding your wants and needs mean that the one you meet has to be compatible enough to fit those needs. You can compromise, sure, but compromising too much unbalances the equation and may lead to other issues.

    Now, what those wants and needs actually are may be questionable or unrealistic. That’s a whole ‘nother topic.

    And Ing … well I do agree with her in that you shouldn’t give up, though I don’t actually see you saying that. I’m just not sure of the scatter-shot approach to dating that seems to be the trend here in the City. A vast pool that’s only a quarter-inch deep that is full of folks always thinking that there’s someone/something better just around the corner.

    Though my nights aren’t as exciting as they could be, I guess, I find prolonged periods of dating strangers to be disappointing and discouraging. Not to mention very tiring and expensive.

    For me, occasionally dating a select few gives me hope that there’s still someone out there for me while my friends and family provides me with the support I need. Call it a safety net.

    Worse odds? Maybe. But I know taking it slow works for me and helps me maintain my sanity and self-esteem.

  4. matt replied:

    LOL! …I feel like I’m stuck in a bad Peter Allen song.

    “…baby cried the day the circus came to town.”

    My expectations, I think, are not great or too lofty. I simply want honesty, respect and sexual chemistry. When all 3 are added together my hope is that it will result in the sum of love.

    I think one must compromise/settle to a certain degree in all relationships — but when it comes to romantic love relationships — I see this as not so much an expectation but a requirement.

    And, I guess I feel that life is so short I don’t want to run the risk of missing something by staying in my room. I mean, life is no cabaret but I do think one needs to live it to the max and take as many risks as you can. Not that this has always gotten me very far, but I think I’m on the right track and I’m happy. No, I’m not goin’ like Elsie!

    Wait. Maybe I am not stuck in a bad Peter Allen song — maybe I am stuck in some warped vision of life provided by Liza With A Z.

  5. Dessie replied:

    My point, and I guess I didn’t make it, is that dating is a two way street. If you spend your life expecting the cookie cutter man of your dreams to come wondering along you’re going to spend a long time being disappointed.

    Sure aim high, whatever, but be prepared for change on both sides when you do eventually make a successful relationship. That kind of thing just does not come in a box ready to use.

  6. matt replied:

    Dessie — I just wanted a nice date with a possible second to follow. LOL! Not talking about marriage here! I’ve been there and done that. Sex is cool, but when someone implies that they want more than just that I want to be able to believe them. And, if they do lie to me — why can’t he at least pay for my dinner?!?!!?

    …no cookie cutter issue here.

    “Don’t cry out loud”


    “Maybe this time”

    not sure which.

  7. digitic replied:

    It’s the gold teeth …

    You don’t have any yet! And diamonds, yes, you need diamonds.

    In your new gold teeth! That’ll do it!

    Maybe the song is really “Do The Hokey Pokey” in key of D-Flat?

    Ahh, well. If we ever find “The Answer” we’ll have to make sure we copyright it right away so that we can then sell it late at night on infomercials and make our fortunes.

    Does anyone want to go dancing?

    I do …

  8. Kris replied:

    Awwww, I’m sure he’ll turn up soon, rather than later. You’ve probably heard this too many times but you’re a good catch, someone who deserves you would come along.

    It didn’t click so you can move on to the next. It can be frustrating at times but Ganbatte!! I don’t think you are expecting too much out of these guys, since that will just lead you to more disappointment. You just go with the flow, and if someone sweeps you off your feet in the process, hooray for you *Hugs

    I think I kinda miss dating, but I’ll take an ‘ing’ and a milford any day rather than a boyfriend. Can I get a piece of ing please!

  9. Dessie replied:

    I said you wouldn’t like me saying (I didn’t expect the full battallion lol, then again maybe I did). Oh well, I’ll keep my opinions where they’re most useful 😉

  10. matt replied:

    Milford — Just think! Soon my teeth will be so white you’ll need glasses to look at me!!! Yay! …but I fear that my teeth had little or nothing to do with this.

    Kris! Amen! And, yes — I would gladly take my friendships with Milly, Ing and Alan over a boyfriend any day of the week/month or year! To know Ing is to love her!

    Dessie — I just feel like I didn’t express myself well because it seems like you misunderstood what I was trying to say. But, share those opinions, baby!

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