Walking toward the trolley I was filled with a sense of dread. My stomach in knots. I got on the train, sat by the window and focused on what the shuffle option of my iPod might bring…

“Darklands” by The Jesus & Mary Chain
“Only You” by Portishead
“An Execution” by Siouxsie & The Banshees
“Alone” by Heart

I turned off the iPod. That was just too fucking creepy. Stomach churning. Feeling ill.

Walked to the copy place to fax all my completed forms to a potential employer. I had to get those in today. Alan was going to print them for me but we forgot. So, I had to use their computer, printer fax. $18.09. Fuck!

Walking from the copy center toward my cafe the anxiety demanded attention. I ran to that side place by the funeral home and got sick. I put a piece of gum in my mouth and walked to the cafe. I got a croissant and a Diet Coke. And, here I sit with my thoughts and anxiety.

Sometimes things just start to back up. The flow gets restricted. You know?

Too much worry about things for which I have no control, too much feeling for some things that will always be out of reach, self-doubt and fears I suppress for too long, aching sadness from wounds that just start to scab over when an unfortunate brush against a rough problem opens them all over again.

The boys are starting to wake and walk by in the the sun. It is another gorgeous day. Bad Bette Midler 80’s music blares on about me being her hero. She’s a fucking liar. I sip my soda. My stomach is calming. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Bad Stevie Nicks 80’s music begins to blare about wanting me to talk to her. But, I like Stevie Nicks no matter the quality of the production. Even an army of synth MOR can’t prevent her voice from touching me.

…setting my demons free.

These demons that weigh us down. The ones that make you think you can’t make it thru. The ones that make you think the reason you can’t capture the love of the one you want is because you are something less than worthy. The ones that make you feel like no one will ever hire you. The ones who lure you to make shit choices. The ones that push you into feeling like you will never again regain your life or independent control. And, the demon of the past that just will not let go.

I push a held breath out.

I imagine a gust of hot smoke emitting from my lips and a swarm of goblins trying to swim but dying because they can’t breathe the air of my freedom. I imagine them dropping to the tiled floor. I think I see a couple find a way to breathe and they scurry to the door. I don’t try to stop them. I just want to be rid of them. I’m selfish. I want this peace for me right now. I imagine one pesky demon jumping into the ear of that fashion victim queen walking down Market Street. And I think I see the other one jump into the passing F train to sneak into that lady who wished ill will on the homeless man she passed on her way to the train.

And, these dead demons on the floor of the cafe. I prod at the little things with my shoes. I want to smash them with my foot, but I’ve an interview in a little while and I can’t afford to get my GAP non-pleated black pants dirty. They may be too loose, but they are clean!

But, shit. I didn’t rid myself completely of these burdens. I wonder if I made the right clothing choice. And, the sadness is still here. But, I feel much stronger. I’m ready to roll. Ready to reclaim what I think should be mine. I’m ready to push up the hill like a mythic hero forever stuck in a rut. …another demon poking thru my positive spin.

I need to ask them to change the radio channel — Michael Bolten has taken the mic. Has my favorite cafe turned into a den of bad late 80’s music? …or did one of my little demons creep into the Pioneer transmitter?

Setting the demons free is not entirely possible. They have their place, I suppose. But I’ve no need of them today. So, today I am telling my little demons to fuck off.

February 21, 2006. Uncategorized.


  1. ginab replied:

    The ones that make you think the reason you can’t capture the love of the one you want is because you are something less than worthy. The ones that make you feel like no one will ever hire you. The ones who lure you to make shit choices. The ones that push you into feeling like you will never again regain your life or independent control.

    I know, I am repeating your words but you know, your words … when you keep repeating Let My Love Open the Door.

    Besides, I wonder how much control we have over our own happiness, as in when we’re having fun? All things must pass. I mean, I used to believe in Jesus’ love and now I don’t. Meaning, I used to believe in some version or other, much like I did the north pole and the man with the red suit. Maybe love is a fairy tale, too. Maybe all of this (arms widespread) is a figment of a bad dreamer’s imagination.

    Uh-oh…I wanted to make you feel better, but in typing this I’ve hidden a curiosity over your stomach stomaching Diet Coke, as in asparteme.

    feel better soon, k? read nothing into iPod selection or listen to Bach (for f-sake). Much better.

  2. jungle jane replied:

    i can’t understand why you ordered Diet Coke but then went for a croissant? are you on a diet or not?

    i also told your demons to fuck off – i’ve got your back covered matty.

    good luck for the interview!

  3. Karyn replied:

    Ah, bunny. Tell my demons too, will ya? They don’t listen to me. I think your visualization exercise is extremely clever and probably effective! Good on you! I’m so sorry you are so bogged down in the shit – I hope our conversation earlier did not enhance the yark-factor. You ROCK and I think you are gorgeous and funny and wonderful and brave and amazing and that anyone worth their salt would be lucky to have you in their life in any measure.

    (PS: It feels GOOD to squash the demons – if you can catch the little fuckers, stomp on ’em – they actually give that twinkly clean effect once you do, rather than splatter you with gore.)


  4. ing replied:

    Oh, Matty. Remember how things don’t change as quickly as we want them to? You’re doing fine. As for loving and not getting, well, that’s a feeling that has to be weathered, I guess. It hurts, I know this. After your demons are smashed, visualize all of your friends sitting with you around a nice, warm fire. That fire is the love you can have, that you do have. Here, let me put on another log. . .

  5. Dessie replied:

    Hey just remember Catherine Tate. Give em a back hander… he he he

  6. matt replied:

    Gina — I love Pete Townsend! I hope it isn’t all random, but sometimes I think it most likely it is. Oy.

    Jungle Jane — sent ya an email!

    But — regarding Diet Coke, croissant and diets. No, I don’t diet. At this point I don’t need to anymore. But I just no longer over do it. i am addicted to Diet Coke — there is some evil chemical in it that draws one in! And, I don’t know — it seemed to settle my stomach. But, it was all stress junk anyway so who knows. I probably just needed to hurl.

    The interview went REALLY well! …i think. Fingers crossed! I really want the job!!!!

    Karyn — LOL! Ok, I’m gonna squash ’em!

    ing — you’re so correct. I will do that.

    Dessie — that’s a good idea, too! Next time I will look that demons straight in their evil eyes, put on a pissed/bored face and say, “Do I look bothered? No, am I bothered? Am I bothered, tho? Am I bothered? I’m not bothered? I’m not bothered, tho.”

    …but I will need some canned laughter as I have no BBC studio audience.

  7. ing replied:

    I forgot to tell you, I found that Tori Amos CD! I played it at work, and I’m going to play it again in the car on my way to SC. I really do like that song about God needing a woman.

    Sounds like you had a good interview, yes?

  8. matt replied:

    Ing — Cool! I’m glad you like it! Yeah, that is an awesome song! And, yeah, the interview went really well. …i think. one never really knows, tho.

    …hope for the best, but expect the worst.

    did mel brooks say that?

  9. jungle jane replied:

    matty? i love you. i do.

  10. Dessie replied:

    You made me laugh with that one Matt but I didn’t to can it.

    Repeat after me:
    Am I bovvered?
    I ain’t bovvered though
    Look at my face. Is it bovvered?

    He he he he

  11. ginab replied:

    I didn’t know Brooks was Cockney. And Matty, Townshend loves you back.

  12. Meredith replied:

    Ouch, Matt I’m sending you happy good luck vibes…. banging my little tambourine and I’ve got a daisy chain all made for you. I gotta stop playing this or people will start to think I’m serious.

    Seriously, I feel for you and I almost got all teary eyed reading this. Almost… I’m not quite that smooshy. I am thinking good luck your way… head up, you look fabulous!

  13. crabcake replied:

    Aw, Mat. First off, you are a really fine writer.

    I very much understand the kind of stress that comes from struggling against things over which you have no control. And the truth is, some days you’ll be able to just let it go and others you’ll dwell on what’s not right yet.

    But in the end, it works out. I don’t know how but mostly it does.

    I like your writing. Very nice.

    (I’m so glad nobody can see me over here trying madly to type in those letters below. Problem is, when I type them like I see them, it’s wrong. LOL! K…going for my 4th attempt and LMAO)

  14. snarl71 replied:

    Give those demons hell!

  15. matt replied:

    Meredith! Thank you! I’ve always wanted to wear a daisy chain and play the tamborine! Preferably in a park with those silky hippie pants! I would dance a dance of freedom and eat brown rice with tofu and just a bit of tea. It would be fab! Let us throw caution to the wind and do it!

    Crabcake – that is so sweet of you. And, I agree. Things have a funny way of working out. I know this, but sometimes I have to be reminded.

    karl — Doin’ my best!

    Gina — who did first say that? I think I first heard it expressed by Mel Brooks. ????

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