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A SLAVE TO BONGWATER & DESPERATELY SEEKING INGRID

Well, what a day it was! I think I shall move thru the day backwards. At around 5pm I got it in my head that I wanted to go visit Ingrid and that, perhaps, we could attack some of those annoying flower-carrying-lovers who just seemed to be taunting me all fucking day! However, it was all in vain. I never found Ingrid. If I had access to PhotoShop I would impose that little picture of Ing over Madonna’s head and replace Roseanne Arquette’s with that little picture of me. …aside from being highly clever it might give us an idea of what Roseanne’s little brother, Alex, might look like once he completes the transition to become her sister. Tho, I guess he would be prettier than me. Or, certainly he will have longer hair. Anyway, I don’t have PhotoShop so you will just have to imagine the effect.

I ran to catch the train — just barely go on before it took off. I guess it moved about 2 feet forward. Then it just sat there. …for 40 minutes! …and it was rush hour crowded. The driver refused to let anyone off because the two foot move put us in some walking danger zone. Ugh! People were getting really upset, flowers were starting to wilt (hee hee) and there seemed to be fears that hearts would break as cell phones were not getting reception. Then we started moving, but VERY slowly. I guess it took us about 15 minutes to get to the next station. I jumped off that train because I could no longer breathe and I needed to change to outbound anyway. Well, I waited along with about 200 other people (most of whom were holding flowers — the bastards!) …I gave up after about 20 minutes. My search for Ingrid came to an end. Sadly, I had no way of getting home as there was some sort of problem with MUNI both ways. ??? …and I HAD to pee! So, I ended up having a popcorn and Diet Coke for dinner while I watched some French-Canadian film at the Castro. I can’t remember the name. It was good, tho. I had sold several of my DVD’s this morning so that paid for the movie/dinner.

That was the end of my day. Earlier, while at the cafe on Market watching all the pretty boys with their flowers and love in their hearts I decided I had to take a break from my online job posting searches and applications. I took a walk. I walked by this homeless guy who was actually pretty hot, but in bad need of a shower and probably a lot more. Anyway, he had all of these odd things spread out on his stinky blanket. He was selling odd stuff. But, my eyes were drawn to a stack of old Barbra Streisand LP’s. I have no record player. But, looking at LP’s fascinates me — especially when a nostalgia factor comes into play. The records were in really bad shape, but his copy of LIVE AT THE FORUM still had the poster in it! And, he did have one pristine LP — the soundtrack to A STAR IS BORN. While I was bent down looking lovingly at it the somehow cute homeless man said in a “surfer-dude” kind of way — “Barbara Eden was so fucking hot in that movie! And, look at how young James Brolin is!” I didn’t even bother to correct him as I noticed he had very few of his teeth and his breath KILLED! I opened the gatefold and waxed all happy over the pix. “I will sale that to ya for $5!” I closed the LP and told him that I had no money and no record player. “Ok, dude, you drive a hard bargain — I will sell ya that piece of history for 25 cents!” …Jeez. This guy must really need that crank fix. So, I gave him two dimes and a nickel and walked away with my piece of useless history.

Then I found a penny with the head facing up.

And, then I thought of my brief folly in the month of April, 1991. Well, OK — that is not true. I didn’t think of this at all. I will drop the blogging lie right now. I did not find Ingrid in person but she made a comment posting which made mention of the late great 80’s/90’s alt-rock band, Bongwater and one of their all time great songs from their seminal CD, “The Power Of Pussy” — which everyone of you should own if you don’t already! Great wisdom on this album. Anyway, Bongwater was Ann Magnuson and stoner/musician-cum-indie label-leader-producer, Kramer. Kramer is a very talented and hot looking man! I do believe he is about as straight as he can be. But, you know we would not have WEEN, King Missle or Damon & Naomi had it not been for Kramer. He owned Shimmy Disc Records out of NJ/NYC and he discovered WEEN and spent many a day in Jamaica with those two boys getting stoned, teaching them about the indie music biz and eating lots of jerked meat type foods. Their home movies would become the first WEEN vid-clips. Anyway, I was sitting in my tiny studio apartment one night at about midnight. At that time, in April of 1991 all I owned was a sleeping bag, a crate with a wind-up alarm clock, a kick ass stereo and a TV/VCR. I was sitting there listening to one of my Shimmy Disc CD’s and what seemed like it should be my destiny hit me! I should devote myself to Kramer!

So, I took out a pen and a sheet of paper (I owned some of those, too) and wrote a letter to Kramer offering myself up as his personal slave. I told him that I would be more than happy to sexually serve him and even attempt to do the same for Ann, but I figured I could also run errands or do whatever he might need. All he had to do was give me a place to sleep, food to eat and enough money to take in at least one movie a week. I thought I was being ever so clever and funny. I mailed the letter the next morning on my way to a temp job. About a month later I received a hand-written letter from Kramer along with a big blue Shimmy Disc sweatshirt, a video of Bongwater/WEEN promo vid-clips, the 2 CD set of Double Bummer by Bongwater and a bunch of tiny Jamaican voo-doo dolls!!!!! In the letter (which stunk of stale pot) Kramer wrote that he and Ann already had two sex slaves each and one slave each who did their other bidding. He added that he could barely afford a new guitar much less send some gay kid to the movies. He said that he and Ann were deeply touched that I would want to perform oral pleasures on both of them, but there simply wasn’t enough time in their jet-set slum NYC lifestyles for anymore oral sex. He wrote that he sent these gifts as tokens of his love even tho he didn’t go for boys. Tho, he did note that if he did he was fairly certain he would go for me because this was the first time he was declining a free blow job. It was very funny and cool!!!!

…I lost it. I loaned the video to the nutty bi boyfriend of a girlfriend of mine and never saw it again. I ended up selling the double CD set so I could see PRINCE OF TIDES for a third time. …shut up. …stop making fun of me. I did wear the shirt till it fell apart, tho.

Anyway, as I type this I hope that Kramer is enjoying his life post The Knitting Factory — the last place/project with which I am aware of his involvement. And, I hope that someday he and Ann will make up and do a reunion CD. …and, dedicate to that 24 year old kid who was willing to devote himself to the cause that was Bongwater! Now, Ann lives in Silverlake. Married. And she writes for Paper magazine covering the LA party/art scene for them. Poor Kramer.

Well, Valentines Day is over and I am not TOO bitter about it. And, maybe next time I go out seeking Ingrid I will be able to find her! And, my 25 cent copy of Babs/Kris history is leaning on my bookshelf. …it no longer stinks. I sprayed it with Lysol.

kisses and soft, moist love,
matty

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February 14, 2006. Uncategorized.

10 Comments

  1. thomas replied:

    I need to know what you’re implying by the soft moist love. Are you giving it away free now? I thought I told you to start charging for that shit. Honey please, right around Valentines, soft moist love is going for a good price. It would easily pay for several movies. And diet cokes. And that nasty popcorn if that was your desire. But for the love of god, don’t give that shit away. I myself am saving all mine up for a planned spring blow out sale, wherein I’ll be flinging soft moist love and even pitching woo like there was no tomorrow.

  2. matt replied:

    Oh, Thomas. Are you, too, implying I am a slut? I meant warmth and human kindness.

    …anything else is $100 for a half an hour — or, 125 for a full hour or $750 for all night. However, this is an outcall only!

    And, of course, these are only donations, you understand?

  3. Dessie replied:

    I’ve got 25 bucks and a cracker… how far does that get me?

  4. matt replied:

    Hmmm… Well, Dessie, I’d like to think it’s enough to get us there. But, there’s a price to pay when one’s been silent all those years. But, really — a cracker and $25 should just about cover it I should think.

  5. Dessie replied:

    That settles it then, yer a big ole slutbag. So

  6. matt replied:

    Oh, wait. No! I thought you and Thomas were talking about songs all along!

    Funny that.

    Same thing happened with a couple of cops the other night!

    signed,
    with descretion…

  7. Dessie replied:

    Cops?

    Oh Matty. Poor sweet Matty.

  8. matt replied:

    I know! This particularly surly cop forced me into his car to “chat” …Apprently there has been a murder and only I can assist them in catching him. I had to take down all this info, I get wired tonight and I have to be at Piers for 11pm. I guess this cop is fairly well known in some circles. Calls himself Klute.

  9. ing replied:

    Oy! I’ll give you $750 to keep you out of trouble for a night! There’s always someone like that in the movies, the one who’s willing to pay the full price to save the lovely from herself. . . That’s me, saving you.

  10. matt replied:

    ing — thank you for trying to come to my rescue. But all worked out well in the end. I was only there but for a few minutes. The “john” showed up, Klute pulled out his big gun and before I knew it I was being swept up and told I had to leave this sick life and move with Klute to the suburbs. ..It was at this point that I got a little confused. Things got all blurry and I felt dizzy. Nex thing I knew — I was lying in my own bed!

    …it was all a dream!

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