1. I have issues with egg and dairy product, but am ok if we just do not discuss it. I even enjoy omelets and cake, but please do not mention “egg” or “milk”

2. I can’t go into a movie late. I MUST be in my seat prior to the name of the film releasing company logo comes on the screen.

3. I am unable to digest garlic. Trust me. It is not fun for anyone if I try.

4. If there is chocolate involved I am unable to not participate.

5. My first erection scared me. I was 9 and seated next to my mother watching Barbra Streisand apply make up to Kris Kristofferson in a bathtub surrounded by burning candles in beer cans. After we got home, I told my mom what had happened and that I was worried. She then re-explained the birds and the bees by using my Captain & Tennille poster as the sole graphic for her explanation. …Pointing to either the Captain or Tennille as was appropriate in her description of sexual arousal and intercourse. …I had to take the poster down that night and have never thought of either C or T the same since.

OK — I tag the following to tell us the 5 things we need to know about them:

Thomas of Kung Fu Kittens!
Tim of Non-Stop Tokyo
Karyn of Karyn Vexed in the City
Mr. G of Mister G8’s
and, my dear Dessie at Dessie’s Blog
Oh, and because I can’t follow rules very well I am most curious to know what Milford might share with us at Digitic Hula Hut!
I’m also curious to see what Sexy Hot Toddy might share with us!

Oh, and you’re being tagged cuz Ing tagged me. so, really, it’s her fault. However, you need to do it because I guess milions of dollars are at stake as well as things involving the bellybutton. So, go ahead and list ’em, kids!


January 29, 2006. Uncategorized.


  1. ing replied:

    I have a new demand. You must expand on number five, which is a short story if there ever was one. Please include some dialogue.

    –Professor ing

  2. matt replied:

    Professor ing, please find dialouge recorded below to the best of my abilty. However, I do feel it is close to correct as this was one of those moments you don’t forget…

    December 26th, 1976 — Ooops, I had just turned 10 on 11/12/76! Thought I was 9! …anyway, it is after dinner from Whataburger. My cassette tape of A STAR IS BORN is playing. My mom has been dancing to “Queen Bee” — I’ve already told her that my penis got big and I was afraid it was going to explode. She had asked me what I was thinking when my “penis became erect” (her wording) — I remember thinking it had something to do with Kris Kristofferson’s chest and beard, but I told her I didn’t know. I can only assume she was thinking as she danced for me.

    After the song. She sat down on my bed and had me sit next to her. There was a poster of The Captain & Tennille on my wall — I think this was from the cover of The Song of Joy LP to be exact.

    And, the conversation/sex lesson went like this —

    Mom — “You probably got excited when you saw Barbra Streisand’s breasts getting touched by Kris Kristofferson. I liked seeing Kris Kristofferson do that to her, too. You see, when adults get naked together they get excited. For a grown up woman that can sometimes me that her vagina gets very moist. Sometimes a vagina can get wet.

    Me — “oh”

    Mom — “Now, a grown up man’s penis swells up and gets hard when he gets excited. Do you know why?

    Me – “no” …but fearing that she was about to tell me. Funny, my mom was always so open about sex but that just made me all the more uncomfortable when she talked about it.

    Mom — “because he wants to put his erect penis into the moist vagina”

    Me – “what?”

    Mom — “you know I explained this to you before when your Dad took you to see that scary move.”

    Me – “you mean CARRIE or THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASACRE” (which I then pronounced as “mass-a-cree”

    Mom – “CARRIE. Your father took you to see that chainsaw movie? I didn’t know that. Well, look –”

    she pointed to The Captain

    Mom — “When the Captain sees Tennille naked he sometimes gets excited or turned on. When that happens his penis gets bigger and hard. Like yours did today. Now,” ….pointing to Tennille “When the Captain is naked and his penis is big and hard, Tennille gets excited and her vagina gets very wet and the Captain puts his erect or hard penis into Tennile’s vagina.”

    Me – “he puts his penis inside her?”

    Mom – “Yes. And he does this over and over again until both he and Tennille get so excited that his penis puts sperm into Tennille and that is how they can make a baby. Because that sperm can sometimes meet the egg which is located in up inside Tennille’s vagina…”

    Me: “There’s an egg in Tennille?”

    Mom — “Well, a very tiny egg. There is one in me, too. There is one in every grown up woman. Remember like I explained about that ugly girl in CARRIE? Why she was bleeding?”

    Me “no”

    Mom — “I could ask your daddy to talk to you, but I don’t like the way he says things. Do you want me to draw you some pictures?”

    Me — “mom, does the Captain pee in Tennille?”

    Mom — getting annoyed. “No, sperm is not the same as pee! When the Captain’s penis gets hard he can’t pee. He can only ejaculate sperm. Do you understand?”

    In my head I am just wanting my mother to leave before I vomit.

    Me — “yes”

    Mom — “good! Wanna dance to some Elton John! That Barbra Streisand hurts my ears, honey!”

    Me – “no”

    she leaves. I hear Elton John singing from the living room. I look at my poster of the Captain & Tennille. Later that night, I take it down. And, I never hear them without thinking of this discussion. To this day, my mother denies actually using them as her example. …but she drifts off and starts telling me how much she loves the song where Tennille says, “Gottcha” …so it all becomes pointless.

    Do I get a good grade?

    …I can’t believe I just wrote this out. Odd, twisted, funny and true. Ah, my youth.

  3. matt replied:

    Karl — Remember when we asked my mom about this and she got all defensive??!?!? LOL!

  4. ing replied:

    A+! You and David Sedaris, Matty. That was awesome. You need to write your memoirs, my friend.

  5. jungle jane replied:

    okay i think i just realised where your loathing of egg came from…

    that was one damn fine post and sub-post Matt…in my list of Top 5 best ever posts…

  6. Dessie replied:

    Suddenly my friend’s mis-hearing “Give it to me One More Time” takes on new meaning.

    You had a C&T poster and were listening to Babs while dancing with your mother? I don’t think she would have been shocked to hear you fancied Kris Kristofferson somehow…

  7. g8s replied:

    Hmm… 5 things you need to know about me? I hadn’t realized there was a demand out there. I don’t know if I’m objective enough to supply the answers, but here goes:

    1. Bananas are not my friends.

    2. I swore, years ago, that I would never feel guilty for spending money on music or photo supplies/equipment.

    3. The University of Michigan Marching Band could be playing ‘Tusk’ in my bedroom, and I would sleep through it.

    4. Some days, I only read the comics.

    5. My favorite things to read are short stories and incredibly geeky science magazines.

    There, now don’t you feel edified?

  8. Karyn replied:

    That is possibly one of the more disturbing uses of the word “moist” I have ever heard. Kisses can be moist; brownies can be moist, flowers and soil can be moist. Now though, I find that I never want to hear that word again. Like you and e-g-g. Which makes complete and total sense after reading that.

  9. ginab replied:

    God you’re fragile. Like you with “e-“, no one is allowed to say the word “chicken” around me. Well, because I know only rude people, I am taunted. People do get a kick out of trying to make me puke I hear the word too many times. Nice people. Good people. Sit. Now lie down. Good people.

    I can’t remember how old I was the first time I got an erection. 😉 I like your story very much tho. Bueno.

  10. matt replied:

    ginab — I am fragile. Word associations are powerful things. I shall never say that word to you. Is there a substitute word? Poultry?

    Jungle Jane! Thank you! Wow!

    Dessie — Yep. You’re right. I think that is why she wanted to know what got me excited. She had two gay male friends who wore matching jumpsuits and suits. When I was 5 they would pull me into conversations about various Barbra LP’s and then, I guess, later tell my mom. She tells me she knew since I was 4. SHE outed me while I was still in high school. However, I didn’t quite get it all yet. Many of the C&T’s songs took on different meanings for me after that.

    Gator — Yes, I do!

    Karyn — Yeah, but you know I think the whole things started when my father asked me if I liked my scrambled chicken embryos when we were at McDonalds one morning. …and, this was long before my first erection! (sorry Gina — I wrote that word)

    ing — Call his publisher and get him to hire me! I love Sedaris, but I just can’t stand his voice for some reason. It hurts me!

  11. crabcake replied:



    Matt, I am sooooooo linking you. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha haha ha!

  12. ginab replied:

    pollo dove. Thank you for asking. I wonder if I had been too graphic. The word has some ick in it, and unfortunately since the tender age of drool I have found the English word for pollo gross.

    And I won’t say that other word to you.


  13. Dessie replied:

    Sigh, done

  14. Tim replied:

    Ditto Crabcake with the BWAAAA and the HAAAAA!! That’s a brilliant post Matty. And thanks for the tag …. now I’ve got the responsibility for getting millions of dollars to some poor bloggers on my shoulders …. pressure!!

  15. Tim replied:

    And, I only have time to read 4 blogs regularly these days, and you already nominated one of them!!!!

  16. Bill the Apostle replied:

    Jesus loves you Matt..for 5o dollars I will too.

  17. matt replied:

    Aw, you guys make me feel so good! LOL! But, the credit should go to my mom and her unique parenting methods! …and the Captain & Tennille.

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