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GUIDANCE COUNSELOR TO THE STARS: MEMO TO Ms. STREISAND

I am not having much luck securing a job. Interviews are not really a problem, but cinching in on an actual job offer seems to be. So, I have invented a job for myself! Like Linus’ Lucy, I shall give advice, but not to Charlie Brown or Peppermint Patti — no, instead, I shall give advice to the rich, famous and deluded.

I shall start with my personal favorite movie star/singer of all time because I feel we need to just cut through the Hollywood bullshit and get straight to the heart of the matter. I’ve a feeling that there are just too many “Yes Men” and spacey gurus advising one of our last REAL divas! This first session is free of charge. I am still on a learning curve and Barbra has got me thru a crap childhood and more than a few lonely nights! So, Babs, this one is on the house!

I am only sharing it on my public blog because I need the publicity — I figure this is a far better approach than soliciting! And, it is all from the heart!

OK. First of all. Let’s lighten up. Why so serious, Barbra? Put a smile on that face! And, let’s focus on few basics:

1. You will be 64 in April. It is time to stop with the mini skirts and pulling down of the tops to expose your shoulders. The Streisand Superman days were great, but it is time to move on.

Sexually objectifying was always better left to Goldie or Jane, anyway. Tho, it did work out fine back in the day — but the Playboy cover was almost 28 years ago. The shoulders, legs and butt of an aerobics trained 30-something are very different than those of a 60-something legend. Also, let’s lose the dog. It is so cliche and we all know you can’t wait to hand the poor thing off to one of your assistants as soon as they turn the cameras off.

2. Wasn’t disco great? And this was a big deal hit record as was The Main Event which also featured a great shot of you body.
But, while Cher and Donna are still trying to sell the whole club/disco thing — you don’t need to worry with that. Now, quickly recall that Junior Vasquez mix of the new BeeGee tunes from the last CD. The songs are great as they are! Sure, “Guilty Pleasures” didn’t go quadruple plantinum like the “Guilty” of 1980, but the new one did go Platinum and it’s a great record. No remixes or 12″ re-workings are required. In fact, they are just surreal and odd.

3. Now, let’s chat about duet recordings. Dueting with Barry Gibb turned out to be a good idea. And, the ones you did with Barry Manilow, Josh Grobhan and Johnny Mathis a few years back were great! I should note that Mathis was the best choice of the three. Now, what about Andrea Bocelli or possibly something classy with Sarah Brightman (and have that whacked out hubby of hers produce/write it!) or, even better –Lizz Wright!!!!! That would be a most cool and interesting move! Let’s strike anymore work with Vince Gill. And, please tell me that the Kenny Chessney (sp?) thing is just a rumor!! Mr. Brolin might be a great hubby, but should we be taking musical guidance from him? I think not! You know, maybe the best thing to say about dueting is just to do whatever it takes to —
avoid anything like this from happening ever again! And, no more laughing at the ends of songs. It’s just not cool.

4. And your musical work in general. How about some jazz!?!?! Perhaps a Johnny Mercer songbook revisit would be good. You know, just you and a couple of great musicians. No orchestra. No synths. Think 1962 but go smoky vs. high note. Or, if you really need that 80 piece orchestra — stick with Arlen, Gershwin or LeGrande. Let’s avoid Lloyd-Webber or Richard Marx. Keep it cool, easy and simple. But, the boldest move that must be made — stop with the studio trickery! No such thing as perfection, baby! Just sing it like you feel it — like you used to! The little imperfections keep it real and dramatic. Babs, stay out of the elevator – get back in the pink spotlight with a bit of smoke around you!

5. Now, the hair. Babs, to me — you always look like butta. Keep those nails! But, that hair cut has been with you for close to 20 years now! Go back to your natural look. Face it. You looked better as Mrs. Focker than you’ve looked in years. Baby, the zaftig look works! The mafia wife thing you’ve got going on doesn’t.
You were relaxed with your afro-ized auburn hair color wig! You looked warm, cute and sexy for a senior citizen! And, you actually smiled! See? It didn’t hurt that much?!?!? And, oddly, you looked younger than you’ve looked in a decade!

6. Now, movies. This could be your moment! After you get that hair fixed and chill out a bit — put in a call to Charles Busch. OK, we know he wrote it for Linda Lavin, but there is real danger that Bette Midler and Nathan Lane will get their chubby hands on THE TALE OF THE ALERGIST’S WIFE. We all know that they will not only eat the scenery but the supporting cast could be in danger, too! And, you know Ms. M will have it all toned down for a PG rating. No longer the cool diva who passed out poppers to her fans at the gay baths — Ms. M is hell bent on that Disney/Oprah crap for life and she is still doing her research to decide if she supports the right for gays to marry. Time has past her by, but not you! This is your chance, Babs! Once you convince Mr. Busch to let you play the lead role in the film version, you need to swallow that pride and finally take Woody Allen up on his many offers and work with him. You may have to gravel a bit. You can do it. But, let HIM direct. You just learn your lines and do as directed! Forget all about Jung! And, try to get Woody to play the alergist! You were both meant to work together! But, here is the thing — actually play the part. Not yourself. Just go all NY neurotic on our ass! And, don’t wuss out. Give who ever Woody casts as the supporting female actress a full on french kiss. You can do it! Also, the supporting actress is meant to be YOUR age and more glam than you! It’s OK. You still get more screen time and the better lines! …and wouldn’t Doris Roberts be great as your mom?!?!!? Technically, she is a bit young but she’s been playing 20 years older for years. She’ll do it. Don’t ask Shirley — she will just get really pissed off at you and write another one of those books!
And, remember — THIS
worked!
And, THIS…
didn’t. DON’T get me wrong! I love it, I’ve watched it more times than I can count — but he was a tad young for you and you were a wee bit old for both he and that part. And, honey. James Bond picks you over Mimi Rodgers?!?!? We can only suspend belief so far.

Now, take this advice and take it all back!

Like Sandy Bernhard once pleaded, “…come back to the Five & Dime, Barbra Streisand, Barbra Streisand!” You can do it!!!

love, matt

Next on my memo list — Jennifer Aniston! Someone needs to give that poor friend some advice! I think this could be my calling!!!
…I was thinking of Courtney Love, but I’m afraid that is a car wreck even I can’t watch!

will this get me a job? I’m willing to wear orange jock straps with white socks if it will help, but I want benefits!

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January 23, 2006. Uncategorized.

6 Comments

  1. thomas replied:

    Oh, if only Barbra would listen. And I had no idea she sang with Don Johnson. Oh my god. Really. I just want to cry.

  2. Karyn replied:

    Matty, you could apply for Steven Cojacaru’s job (did I butcher that last name?)!! That poor guy will be out on sick leave for a while – I’d totally tune in, turn on or buy whatever station, show or magazine is lucky enough to snap you up. Go Matt! (Can I be your gal-pal, like Rachel was to Joey, and go to the red carpet once I get back to fighting weight?) Then again, I think you’re brilliant at whatever you do. 🙂

  3. matt replied:

    Thomas — I know! She simply must listen!!! Yeah, Babs and Don were an item. She even made an appearance on Maimi Vice. Odd 80’s moment.

    Karyn — I love you! If only eveyone thought so kindly of me!!!

  4. Tim replied:

    Well Matt, you certainly get points for knowing your subject matter! And it seems like you’ve got some good advice for her there. How cool would it be if she actually READ your advice?!! She’d snap you up as her personal advisor without a second thought!!

  5. ing replied:

    Wait, can I get in on this advice thing? I have an idea for a jazz trio: Barbara, Kenny Rogers, and Prince. Wouldn’t that be sweeet?

  6. Tim replied:

    Ooh, good idea Ing!! Matty could give personal advice to each of his regular readers!! That would be interesting.

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