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GHETTO FABULOUS OR BEING TAKEN FOR A DEALER

I got a call from the Bijou Hotel letting me know that they had found a phone, but that the battery was dead so they were unable to determine the owner. Did I want to come and take a look at it? So, I went over to the hotel today to see if it was my phone. It wasn’t, but it was a really nice mobile. Someone somewhere must be even more bummed out than me. Anyway, this is a cute little hotel but there is a certain seediness under the fresh paint that I kind of like. And, the Bijou Hotel is in the Tenderloin.

For those of you who are not familiar with San Francisco, the Tenderloin is not exactly a nice part of town. I mean, it’s Disney World compared to the Bronx or Roxbury — but not a great place for a white gay guy to be wandering about. …unless he is under 24 and looking to make some “easy money” Or, maybe not.

Well, when my friend was here and staying at the Bijou I rediscovered the Pinecrest Dinner. Great food, no attitude and cheap. So after realizing that I would most likely never see my way-cool phone again I decided to stroll over to Pinecrest. I have absolutely no sense of direction. I turned down the wrong street vs just walking down the correct street (which I was already on!)

I feel MUCH better today. However, I’ve got a horrible headache and my throat is still a bit sore. Actually, my head was hurting so much that I decided to bring my sunglasses as the brightness was killing. One would think I was suffering from a hang-over but I gave up that stuff years ago! So, despite the overcast and raining sky — I was wearing my shades. And, I was wearing my black Bauhaus ’05 Tour hoodie. I broke my regular iPod headphones so I was wearing my much larger Koss headset under my hood. I had noticed that the lady at the front desk of the hotel acted kind of funny toward me, but I really didn’t think anything of it.

As I walked down this cruddy street I began to realize I was going in the wrong direction and had headed deeper into the Tenderloin. I noticed that a “sturdy” looking guy in a blue hoodie was crossing the street heading toward me. I just stayed cool. Didn’t change my walking speed or anything, but I pressed the pause part of the iPod dial which was in my hand in the pocket of my hoodie. This guy was clearly walking TO me. I reallly wasn’t sure what I should do. I stopped when he was less than 2 feet directly in front of me. He put out his fist. Despite that fact that I am the whitest person on the planet, I understood that this was meant to be a form of a handshake. I extended my fist and they met.

And, the following discussion took place:

“My brotha”
“Um, yeah”
“Store open?”
long pause as my total confusion began to kick into hyper drive
“Uh, store?”
“It’s cool”
standing there looking at each other
“Um, well. I know that there is a package store back at the corner, but I —”
and then it hit me. This guy thought I was a dealer!
“Aw, fuck you, man.”
…and then my “new pal” or “brotha” walked back across the street toward the doorway from which he had emerged.

Trying not to laugh, I took a left at the next corner and headed to Market Street. I stopped at the window of some dingy place and looked at my reflection. I really missed my mobile at that moment. It would have been so cool to snap a reflective photo at that moment. I looked like a freak. Or, could this be the new ghetto fabulous look of the Tenderloin?!?!? Or, maybe not.

So, I am back at home. Packing some Dayquill and hot green tea in my lucky Mickey Rourke cup. And, although it is cheating, I tried to take a picture of myself as soon as I got in.

My ex used to think that anyone in a hoodie looked like the UnaBomber. But, I think I look like a shorter version of Stephen Bishop after a stint in rehab. Hey, I miss Stephen Bishop! He once said that he dumped Carrie Fisher because she refused to wear her Star Wars hair buns to bed. That still makes me laugh.

Tenderloin iPod Shuffle:
“Missing You” by Jem
“In the Dark” by Billy Squire
“Seasons In The Sun” by Black Box Recorder
“Beetlebum” by Blur
“You Are My Sister” by Antony & The Johnsons
“What You Waiting For?” by Gwen Stefani
“Apple Tree” by Erykah Badu

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January 2, 2006. Uncategorized.

23 Comments

  1. Kris replied:

    I would have thought you were a dealer too if you walked down the alley looking like that.

    Gotta admit you looked cute as a “dealer” Matt. Am sure I would have bought some off of ya hahaha.

  2. ing replied:

    Cutest thug in the Tenderloin! That story almost made me choke on my wine. I’ve been to the Bijou and considered staying there, but the hookers waiting outside the front door were way better-looking than me. Too much competition! (Not that I’m a hooker. Oboy, I keep stepping in it tonight.)

    Ahh, Billy Squire. Brings to mind the railroad tracks at night and a Mustang belonging to a certain blonde guy I dumped (after I won all his change in a poker game). Good kisser, but alas, a Mormon.

  3. ing replied:

    p.s. Um, back in high school, I mean. I learned my lesson.

  4. digitic replied:

    It’s Ghetto Fab 100% Totally hot!

    Damn … you so need GPS!

    Ha!

    Love ya!

    Damn … 15-letter word verif …

  5. Jon replied:

    In your defense, San Fran is easy to get lost in. Um, dn’t get mad but have you gotten bored of it yet? I mean, it is a lot of fun, but it’s TINY! You can see/do everything within 6 months. Come back east already.

    Lol at the photos, I think I might cross the street if I saw you in that 😉

  6. Karyn replied:

    A. What Jon said! Come back east!
    B. Jesus, is there nothing you can’t do – you look like freakin’ Andy Garcia in that first pic!
    C. You do need GPS, and I say that because I love you and because I am equally bad at navigating my way – anywhere.
    D. Is it really called the Tenderloin???

  7. matt replied:

    Kris — LOL! Maybe that is the line of work I should be going into!

    Ing – I love you!

    Milford – do you really think? Wow! 13 letters! That is just wrong! but, what is GPS?!?!?

    Jon – Yeah, the lady at the front desk was acting so worried. I just didn’t get it. No, am anything but bored here. You know, San Francisco has a pulse and vibe all of it’s own. You don’t really feel or see it till you’ve spent a few months here. I love it. I just need to find my place in it. In a sense, I think the people watching is even better in SF because no one cares so everyone does what they feel like doing. Freak flags fly high in SF and I enjoy that. But, I do miss my friends back east!

    Karyn — What is GPS?!?!?! I feel so ignorant! Andy Garcia!?!?! Woody Allen/Dustin Hoffman/Stephen Bishop I could imagine, but I should think Mr. Garcia is a bit out of my scope! LOL!

    What is GPS?!!?!??

  8. L.A. Gal replied:

    hi. i somehow stumbled upon your blog — it’s a long chain these things. started with rachel fuller’s blog and somehow found you. wanted to let you know that i enjoyed reading your tenderloin post. you sound awfully interesting! hope your cold is better. happy 2006! the rains suck don’t they? i’m in L.A. and we got hammered today!

  9. digitic replied:

    GPS

    G_eo
    P_ositioning
    S_atellite

    I have a GPS unit sitting on top of my computer — remember? Looks like a small TV with directional buttons along the bottom.

    It’s like a digital compass — it can tell you your position almost anywhere in the world and direct you to destinations you have programmed into the unit.

    Like I would program HOME for you so you would know which direction to go when you find youself in THE MIDDLE OF THE TENDERLOIN CHILLIN’ WITH YOUR DRUG SEEKING HOMIES! Ack!

    And yeah, Karyn, it really is called the Tenderloin. It was a part of San Francisco that was the center of the meat packing district during the gold rush times.

    The moniker remained but had taken on a whole new meaning when the area became a bit less desirable in the latter half of the 1900’s.

    Geesh, Matt … we need to tie a bungy cord to you so we can pull you back when you wander off again.

    You’re too much! (And you know I say that with utmost affection)

  10. Caress replied:

    Aaahhh the Tenderloin

    I walked through it and found it a little rough especially the man in the wheelchair who sprang up and danced for his friend across the road – very tender!!

    PS – Loved the glasses – get me some crack mister!

  11. joe replied:

    you look sexy, brotha. yeah, sexy, foxy. oh yeah.

    ahem.

    I think you should head out somewhere and panhandle too, in that get up.

    happy new year too!!!! hugs and kisses from canada.

  12. Aaron replied:

    Yeah I’m voting for Milford to attach reigns to Matty so he can’t walk off too far.

    Anyone second me on that?

  13. snarl71 replied:

    Well, the Tenderloin will never be the same after the closing of that monk-operated restaurant.

    Matt, remember when Alan brought us there…and they served us those cheese omelettes with the must day-glo fluorescent goverment yellow cheese imaginable?

    ewwww. Those wacky Catholics.

  14. matt replied:

    L. A. Girl — Glad you stopped by! Yeah, I was talking to a friend yesterday and he was telling me about all the rain you all were getting. We’ve been getting quite a bit, too.

    Milford — Oh, I see.

    Caress — Oh, thank you! The crack is in the mail!

    Joe — i might start panhandling soon! But, I am thinking that Berkeley is more my speed. I will just draw some of those pretty leaves and sit by Rasputin.

    Aaron — You just want me all tied up. I know you! LOL!

    Karl — That place was so odd! Alan still misses it. All those hot catholic monks made him disgregard the government cheese!

  15. ginab replied:

    Ooh, but I like the hoodie and the shades. Seems you probably have light eyes and there’s nothing more annoying than a white sky or a bright sun to a pale-eyed person. Neat you “passed” in some way.

    By the way, I saw Squire in concert. I feel safe here. He was the big one on the ticket and jeepers if my memory serves me, what a slutt! Not me, not me and him (I was fifteen, but I am sure that wouldn’t stop him in the dark).

    Whatever happened to Squire? More, and I’d wondered this aloud to Ing, whatever happened to Gloria Gaynor?

  16. matt replied:

    Gina — You know Billy Squire was in Boston a few years ago singing children’s music. How things change with time. He looked like a corporate excecutive. Odd.

    Yeah, did Gloria Gaynor survive after all???!?! Actually, I think I saw her on one of those VHI Where Are They Now things — gospel singer now or something. …sort of like Vanity being a minister. What a pretty mess!

  17. ing replied:

    Me too, Matt, I love you! Oh my god, what a coincidence!

    But I think we might be first cousins or something. I have that same sense-of-direction problem. It’s the worst when I walk out of a building — I can NEVER remember which direction I originally came from. And you know what drives me up the wall? People who explain how to get places by saying “head east.” Or “turn right,” that one confuses me, too. “Stand up,” now, that I can usually figure out, and “step out of the car with your hands up,” sure.

  18. matt replied:

    ing – Oh, thank you! Finally someone who understands. Since moving here is my challenge of determining where south of market really is located. I know I’ve been there several times but in my directionally-challenged mind — depending upon where one might be standing — isn’t everything south of market?!?!?

    I don’t mind having to get out of the car with my hands up, but I do so hate it when instructed to lie face down on the pavement. That is just rude, don’t you think?!!?

  19. josh williams replied:

    Matt: I have heard through the grape vine (ing) that you would like to be master and commander of a ship or some sort of contraption for a very Grand Experiment. You sport a hood well and from this I judge you to be worthy of command, if your willing choose land or sea and pick your crew. Its all going to happen soon and we need good help.Plus if you have access to the thrusters that they use on ships to keep them in position bring them along. I need a bunch, enough for about 15 Oil Derricks or a 100 Skidoo’s.

  20. matt replied:

    Josh, I am honored to serve! I have only one thruster on hand and I fear it may be a bit too small for the coming mission. However, I’ve a connection who can supply me with more than enough fully greased thrusters. This will come at a great personal cost, but as a master and commander I am willing to make the sacrifice. Might we have a need for a crate of large vibrating orbs? I might be able to get them as a part of the deal!

    Awaiting orders and at the ready!

  21. ing replied:

    Master and commander, eh?

  22. Dessie replied:

    I SAID IT WAS S&M!!

    The signs are all there!!!

  23. Tim replied:

    Lol, you look scary Matt, if I saw you in the street I’d run a mile!! Unless I could hear Barbara playing on your iPod from across the street, in which case I might feel slightly less intimidated!!

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