I had to ride a bus this evening. Aside from the fact that I hate buses, it was a very crowded ride — and I was forced to touch the rail thing so I didn’t fall into the small sea of people. Anyway, the following “conversation” or “discussion” happened as we rode down Van Ness.

Former Hippie Lady Turned Power Exec: “OK, someone really needs to use deodorant. Someone really stinks and I am getting sick”

(obnoxious, but true. …the offending odor was steaming out of a tall white rasta-wanna-be college-age-‘dude’ — who was, of course, standing next to me — arm pit aimed at my face)

Pissy Middle Management Guy: “Amen. Somebody needs to take a bath!”

Tall White Faux Rasta Boi: “Fuck you both. This is the way human beings smell. Get over it and shut up.”

FHTPE: “Son, don’t speak that way to me. And, no, clean human beings do not smell like rotting flesh!”

TWFRB: “Fuckin’ bitch.”

PMMG: “Hey, don’t speak to the lady that way! You stink and we shouldn’t have to smell it”

TWFRB: “Dude, shut the fuck up or I am taking your ass down”

FHTPE: “Oh, please — we’re all terrified! …Of the way you smell you sick little brat!”

Random girl sitting below the would be white rasta boy: “Yeah, I think you need to do something about your hair.”

Ok, now I am sort of in the middle of all this negative and urban anger brew. I am just trying to get to Walgreens and survive the stench which is making me sick — however, these three jerks were just being mean. …but, then, of course — I get pulled into it.

TWFRB: “Look, assholes just because I don’t smell like this Jew who’s been dipped in some chemical cologne bath doesn’t mean that you have the right to give me your shit.”

(several passengers begin to this San Francisco hissing thing that is so popular here.

FHTPE: “He smells good! If I were he I would pour some cologne over your ugly head!”

RGSB: “You are such a fucking asshole. I’m Jewish and I am going to kick your ass”

me: “Would you all please shut up! If you can’t take the smell get off the bus, if you can’t take it like a man do something about the way you smell and leave me the fuck out of it. And, actually, I suggest YOU get off the bus anyway and get to your Nazi rally, freak.”


MUNI Bus Driver: “Cool it, people or you’re all getting off my bus!”

TWFRB: (screaming) “Stop the bus — I’m getting off!”

(majority of people sitting begin to clap)

Stinky pig boy gets off the bus in a huff — but his scent lingers. I get off at the next stop.

Why me?

September 21, 2005. Uncategorized.


  1. digitic replied:

    God … I love this City!!! Ha!

  2. Jon replied:

    Hmmmm- I hate body odor. We all get it, but we can all do something about it. I don’t mind when homeless people smell, I mean, they have no home- a hot shower every few weeks at a shelter isn’t easy to come by. But….. TWFRB was probably not homeless. And I think dreds are really nasty. I got into an argument with an on old friend who is way too PC over dreds- she said I was racist for saying dreds are icky. Well, I think foot binding is nasty and I don’t hate Chinese people….anymore…..on Mondays…..yeah, tha’ts it. ^_^

    This is meant to be funny, but given I’m still awake at 2:15 AM, I hope this reads the way I had it in mind….

  3. g8s replied:

    Really, Matt, you should have your own television show. Something one part Seinfeld, one part Sex and the City, one part Arrested Development. Because you just can’t make this shit up!

  4. snarl71 replied:

    Oh, Matt. I really do question your need to be in public. I think you’d be safer behind closed doors. Perhaps even bars.

  5. Robert replied:

    Bravo Matt! I think you spoke for the entire bus. So, was TWFRB hot? Was he was he??? 🙂

    Wouldn’t been more fun-knee if you took a groop photo! heh!

  6. Karyn replied:

    You go, Matt. The world is a far better place with you in it.

    What a colony of assholes. How DO you find them? I think you need to carry a freaking cattle prod around with you. ZZZZZZAP. That’ll fix ’em. 🙂

    (PS: Karl! Don’t rag on Matt about being better off behind closed doors. Oh by the way, work any windshield wipers lately? Got ties? LOL!)

  7. matt replied:

    Milford — It is a great city! You are spoiled because you’ve lived here all of your life and don’t know how bad it can be in places — like my hometown where they still lynch people! Oy! LOL! We got it great here!

    Jon — Yeah, I have a real hang up regarding BO, but I don’t think I would ever point it out to anyone — unless they attack me and are racist! LOL! I am not nuts about dreds either — especially on wealthy white boys. However, I am always up for some foot binding! LOL!

    g8s — Yeah, well. There is plenty of boredom between the fits of odd drama that seems to surround me. But, am always up for selling out to HBO.

    Karl — Please see my friend, Karyn’s comments!

    Karyn — Thank you, sweetie! Where can one get a cattle prod? Oh, wait — I think they sell those at that sex store that wanted to hire me.

    Robert — You’re too funny. No, he was not at all cute. Even if he had been, he REALLY smelled badly.

  8. Miss Marisol replied:

    It is quite odd that you seem to get pulled into all of these conversations that you don’t want to be a part of.

    I love this…hilarious!

  9. matt replied:

    Miss Marisol — Yeah, you know it has been this way all of my life. You would think by now I would just accept it, but it surprises me everytime. …in fact, it surprises me just about every single day. I only “report” some of the more interesting ones. LOL!

  10. Lubin replied:

    Props to you for your sassy comeback. I suffered from a BO lady on a train recently and it made me vow to always travel first class from now on. Well, let’s see if my bank balance will cope with that.

  11. Underling replied:

    This has now replaced the MAckenzie Phillips story as my favorite “Matt at Large” story.

    Things like this never happen to me. Sure, old men hitting on me in the gym showers I get all the time…but a story like this…never.

  12. joe replied:

    haha, this has gotta be one of the funniest stories i’ve read lately 🙂

    i like body odours, but only during the throes of lust and even then, they better not be ripe smells!

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