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BITTER SWEET

Today was a really nice day. However, I felt kind of sad for most of it. I was thinking about how the heart never fully heals. Losing someone you love to death is the worst. The grief doesn’t go away, it just sort of scabs over and leaves a scar. And you wear that scar forever. I think the same is true when you end a long term relationship. When you lose a person in this way you’re left with so many memories — good and bad. And, while you may not love that person the way you need to love a person with whom you will share your life as partners, you do always love them. A part of them is left inside you. Just like the loss of a loved one to death — the grief for the loss of that lover stays with you, but the pain does subside. And, what remains behind are feelings and memories that you cherish, but hate to think of as the pain returns when you do. Those places in you that your lover created remain empty. And while you know you will find love again, you are afraid. Opening up and allowing a person into those secret places puts you in such a vulnerable position. And you find yourself worrying if you could risk having any more empty spaces which no one will ever be able to fill quite like the lover you left behind.

And, then of course, you see, hear or do something that you want to run home and tell your lover all about. And, in just a fraction of an instant you realize that this is no longer a real option. The connection that was once there is gone. And as the months turn to years — the connection will grow weaker.

I guess Neil Sedaka knew of what he sang when he crooned that breaking up is hard to do. I am not making light of it. I really do think that ending a relationship just might be one of the harder things in life. …Just like starting over with nothing to build something. You do it because you have no choice.

…you just keep moving and avoid looking back too often.

Anyway, believe it or not — it was a good day and I’ve got some very real job prospects coming up and there is a man for whom I am developing very real feelings. …but very different ones than what I had become used to — and that is a bit scary and bittersweet.

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May 31, 2005. Uncategorized.

2 Comments

  1. Jon replied:

    I’ve always had a hard time letting people in, and no, not in a sexual way 😉 Since my ex and i broke a while ago, i have no desire to date. I feel like something’s wrong with me, and I’m basically the only one of my friends who isn’t in a serious relationship. But I’m too stubborn to ever get therapy. I’m actually dangerously stubborn

    But that’s enough about me. Glad you are close to landing a job, and we all look forward to hearing about the new mystery man when the time is right 🙂

  2. Miss Marisol replied:

    My bf and I have come within an inch of breaking up so many times over the last 5 1/2 years. And each time, I have that moment of realization. It’s like a preview of inevitable sorrow. Someday it will be over in this form. That’s the risk you accept when you allow yourself to love.

    And you’re right… sometimes we are crazy enough to try to love again. And THAT is scary.

    I’ve really enjoyed learning about you during these big changes in your life…

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