Am feeling very frustrated today. …And, I thought about just keeping my worries bottled up as I normally would, but this is my blog and if I feel like venting —- then vent I shall! Not quite sure, but I have the feeling that I might just be fucked. Did a quick check on my primary bank account. …the one from which I am sustaining life blood at this time —- only to discover that not only are funds low, they dipped into the negative. I am no longer even coasting on fumes. I am flat out of gas and waiting for someone to give me a lift on the highway of life!

Alan gave me a lift into the Castro this morning so that I was half way closer to downtown where I had some interviews. I got the fun news about my money (or lack of) while riding the train toward Powell Street. I reacted in a perfectly dignified way: I politely tugged at the “stop request” wire, thanked the driver as I stepped off the train on to a block of Market Street which can best be described as “Tired, Old, Hetro-Porn & Urban Blight Avenue of Broken Dreams” — walked over to the side of some creepy dime store and threw up my breakfast — organic oatmeal and green tea! I was very careful not to be messy as I was wearing a pressed dress shirt, slacks and carrying my proto-corporate brief case. I then stepped into the sad dime store and purchased a small bottle of water and a pack of gum for $4.00 that I do not really have. Then, as I tend to do as of late, I called my friend, George, — got his voicemail and proceeded to have a panic attack/melt down into his voicemail. Got sick a bit more — this time on a side street best called “Just Give Up & Die Street” …and then I got back on an “F” train (fitting) and headed downtown for my first interview of the day.

I guess this interview went well if it is OK to be shakey, disoriented and flop sweating. The HR lady seemed nice enough, tho. So, I figure I probably have that job sewn up! My second and third interviews went a bit better — in between I picked up a return voicemail from George — and just his voice calmed me a bit. The second and third interviews were with a head-hunter and a temp placement agency. They seemed confident and I don’t think they had any idea I had experienced a melt down in Porn Alley just an hour or so earlier.

Fast forward a couple of hours later and I am sitting alone in Sweet Inspiration on Market Street with a pot of green tea and a box from my employer filled with personal stuff from my desk. Once again, fitting. I called and cancelled my plans with a friend this Saturday because I really do not have the funds to go out. And sat there and pondered what I will or need to do. The temp agency will have work for me — they think — starting next week which would mean that I will have a bit of cash coming in a week from next Friday. UGH!!!! LOL!

I think, perhaps I am over-reacting a bit. It had just been such a tough year and it doesn’t seem to be getting any less tough. Just new challenges that I don’t quite know how to beat. But, then again, I guess this is life. At least, this is my life. I figure I must have done something bad in a previous life because I can say with honesty that I am a good person and have been a good person in this life. I doubt it was anything too bad as nothing so bad as life-threatening illnesses or the like have ever happened to me. Just a bad childhood and a challenging aduthood — but I think this is true for the majority of the world’s population. Still, it is all subjective is it not?

At any rate, there are millions of people in far worse shape than me. Somehow, tho — be it selfish or not — that isn’t much comfort right now. I can’t continue to just mooch off Alan. So, I had a long hard think at Sweet Inspiration and stared down my box of personal desk stuff — over a decade’s worth. Finally, I got up and headed toward Alan’s — and then realized that I had lost my cell phone.

Can it get worse? Sure it can! But this seemed like the end to me at that moment. Luckily I found it on the floor of the mail center! The owner and his other box renters hadn’t noticed it yet. I took this as a possible good sign. At least, I hope so.

Oh, and a very sweet fellow blogger in the UK was kind enough to purchase a copy of the “new” and “shocking” Isabelle Huppert film, MA MERE DVD and sent it to me! She doesn’t wish to be named, but I wanted to send her a big “thank you” as I have been dying to see this movie! And, it was no cheap shakes! Girlfriend spent the equal of 50 US dollars to get this for me. Someday, I will get her something nice. And, my friend Thomas celebrated a birthday and I am unable to send him anything but my love. And, my pal and former boyfriend, Bil (yes, with one “L”) is graduating next week having earned his Masters in Human Resource Management! I hope to afford a card for him at some point in the near future.

At this moment there is only two things I am sure of — 1. I do not know what I would do without all of my dear friends who do their best to watch out and protect me AND 2. No matter the cost — I am seeing that new 35mm print of THE WAY WE WERE at the Castro on the 22nd. Hell will have to freeze over for me to miss that! I don’t care! I am going, dammit!

Ah, well you know — the haunting refrain from the greatest film of all time, VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, comes to my mind. Flooding me with its haunting melody as Dionne croons in the way that only Dionne can —- and I fall back into the softness of my bed and feel the late 60’s confusion of the lyrics — aside from the beautiful tragedies and bad acting of the film’s characters — there was the all too real tragedy of Sharon Tate’s murder the week before the film opened. Causing upset hippies to even sneak a peak at the tragic beauty of Ms. Tate. Everyone wanted that fucking decade to end. And, now, I just wanna break! Nothing major — just a break that will get me thru now and that first pay check. And, then, or now, what do I do? Where I am I going?

…well, Dionne sang it best:

Gotta get off, gonna get
Have to get off from this ride
Gotta get hold, gonna get
Need to get hold of my pride
When did I get, where did I
How was I caught in this game
When will I know, where will I
How will I think of my name
When did I stop feeling sure, feeling safe
And start wondering why, wondering why
Is this a dream, am I here, where are you
What’s in back of the sky, why do we cry
Gotta get off, gonna get
Off of this merry-go-round
Gotta get off, gonna get
Need to get on where I’m bound
When did I get, where did I
Why am I lost as a lamb
When will I know, where will I
How will I learn who I am
Is this a dream, am I here, where are you
Tell me, when will I know, how will I know
When will I know why?

Oh, and I should add, that mixed in with all of my thing from my desk was a little note from a very dear co-worker sending me love and good wishes. The note made me cry. I don’t cry. So, you know it really touched me.

I also came across a card that a very dear friend, Derek Darling, sent me a few years back. The card is quite effective and features an unusual picture on the front, and in the card Derek wrote — “…I thought of you when I saw this card. The image is so warm and happy. It is just to remind us of what is possible. …I hope it makes you happy, however briefly.” …and, it did make me happy.

Sigh — I am ok. I will be ok. I always am. I just need to figure out what it is I need to do — and I always seem to figure that out. So, let’s hope tomorrow is a better day and I stumple upon about $5,000! LOL! Got bank robbery? …just kidding in case there are any evil thougth police out there! …I do not steal!

soft kisses,

May 11, 2005. Uncategorized.


  1. g8s replied:

    Gosh, Matt, that post has an all-too-familiar ring to it. I and my friends have all been in your position, and I’d hazard to guess that your friend, Alan, has been there, too. When you’re there, it does feel like you’re using your friends, and anyone with a conscience begins to imagine the resentments that start building, but the truth is that this is a time when your friends can actually befriend you; in a short time, you will be able to show them your gratitude. I wish I could give you a quick-fix solution, but all I can say is, don’t think too big right now. You’ve gone to SF to start all over, so you have to focus on the baby steps now; just keep doing your thing & your life will unfold for you. I doubt you did anything bad to deserve this; this is just a period of time to get through so you’ll appreciate how good it will be later. And you’ll be doing better than before. In the meantime, there’s always restaurant work. Kidding…

    ps — The Dionne quote seems very apropos of your story about the gamma ray woman. “Have to get off of this ride…”

  2. matty replied:

    Hey g8s, yeah I know you’re right. I am feeling much better about the situation now. I am quite blessed to have so many friends who care about and for me! Feel quite loved!

    And, yeah, it is going to be fine. Nothing worthwhile comes free or easily. …so to speak.

  3. Karyn replied:

    Hey! I’m surprised I didn’t see you on the corner of Give Up And Die! That’s my new hangout.

    Look, sweet pea, trite as it sounds, times like this really ARE what friends are for. Well; one of the things friends are for. But an important one.

    Hang tight. God knows I am no fiscal whiz and have been dangerously flirting with abject poverty for a long while now, but we manage to scrape along. We might get a little raw from the scraping, but we emerge largely unscathed, stronger and (hopefully) somewhat wiser on the other side. At least I am hopeful for that kind of outcome.

    You go on and vent all you want.

    Oh, and I’m so sure you’re the first person in SF to puke in a moment of distress or in a fit of nerves. Please.

    Love you -k

  4. Jon replied:

    Matt! *hugs*

    You will get through this. Jobs will be found, savings will be made, apartments will be rented. Life does have its share of knocks, but this too shall pass. Just take some time to breathe in the meantime, ok?

  5. Robert replied:

    All the best to you Babe! You’re a tuff cookie as we all know! Life’s full of pop quizzes but I know you’ll somehow get through all of them. Take deep breaths. One day at a time.

    Keep up the good attitude, it’s part of who you are. *big hugs* Keep us posted!!

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