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BEING RETARDED IS HARD ENOUGH…

…It just seems cruel to have yet another actor “play” mentally-challenged. Even worse, to have that actor pretend to be retarded in a made for cable TV movie. And, it is really scraping the very bottom of the Bucket-O-Bad-Taste when that actor is Rossie O’Donnell and Andie MacDowell has been cast as her older sister. I am sorry, but no gene pool is that fucked up.

If you ask me there are certain things that all actors should avoid:

1. Acting with children or animals
2. Taking part in any scene involving lip-syncing to old 45’s with a hair brush
3. Breaking the “Third Wall” in a film unless you are Woody Allen
4. Remaking and raping an original and profoundly twisted film like “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory”
5. Playing retarded

It never pays off and actors just never seem to get it. Who of us over 35 can forget Linda Purl and Shaun Cassidy playing a retarded couple who want to marry and have children — or, if you have a really strong memory for horrific pop culture — Julie “Rhoda’s Sister Brenda/Voice of Marge Simpson” Kavner and John Boy Walton who played a retarded couple who wanted to marry and have children a few years before Linda and Shaun adapted odd gutteral noises and slanted facial expressions while wearing bad clothing and mismatched shoes! And let us not forget the big screen turn of Sean Penn. …a retarded man fighting to keep his daughter (played by that demon seeded child star, Dakota Something or Other) or Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump — and, yes, Forrest was retarded and we all paid money to see it for some reason.

And, now — Hallmark is bringing Rosie to us as a retarded girl who somehow must find a way to “bond” with her fab sister, Andie — and I guess they have to ride a bus or something because it is refers to bus riding with a sister in the title.

Let’s face it — the only actors who can play retarded without insulting our mentally-challenged citizens are Juliette Lewis and Meg Ryan.

Now, I know a few of you are thinking, “When did Meg Ryan play retarded?” …well, go back and take a look at one of her movies — any of her movies. As you watch — keep in mind that Meg is trying to channel her inner-retardedness as she acts her little heart out. I don’t think Meg has ever not played retarded. Well, unless we discount that movie she made last year where she was all depressed and took her clothing off while Jennifer Jason Leigh walked around looking confused til some other character iced her. This was meant to be Meg’s “break out” role where she could prove to us that she is not retarded. …It didn’t work.

Oh, Rosie. Why?

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April 27, 2005. Uncategorized.

10 Comments

  1. snarl71 replied:

    Matt – this is your funniest and best posting in a long while.

    I’ve seen the ads for Rosie’s movie…ugh. The Advocate said she may be up for an Emmy. huh.

    Oh, and Matt, we all know why Juliette Lewis can get away with such roles…don’t make me go there. And don’t forget Giovanni Ribisi! You’ve said yourself that after that movie – he looks retarded to you in any movie or tv show he does.

  2. Doug replied:

    Surprisingly, I read a review of the movie, and Rosie was highly commended for her portrayal of the sister. Maybe the apple doesnt fall from the tree……

    Who says Tim Burton is ‘raping’ Willy Wonka? For we Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fans, the Willy Wonka movie was NOT all that true to the book. I look forward to the twisted Mr. Burton’s vision of the book as I feel it will skew more to the original. Oh..and I LOVE the Willy movie as a separate identity from the book.

  3. matty replied:

    Well, yes — but regarding Ms. Lewis. I didn’t want to be rude. She is, afterall, The Sandy Dennis or our generation — and for a pretty retarded girl, she can rock!

    As for Giovanni, let’s not make fun of the little man’s challenges!

  4. matty replied:

    Oh, Doug — but there could never be another Veruka Salt as wonderous as the one from 1971!

    …besides, is it me or does it seem that Johnny Depp is channeling his inner-tranny for the role?

    I always want to like Tim Burton’s work, but his films (excepting Ed Wood) seem to stall and come apart in the final reel. Like in Edward Scissorhands which was a poke at cookie cutter middle America horrors — and then we discover track housing turns to gothic. And, one should never turn to poor Wynnona to play old. I do appreciate his visuals, tho.

    And, how could he dump Lisa Marie for that little Brit slag! LOL!

    You know, I saw the 1971 movie long before I knew the book existed and I didn’t care for the book. That writer was a trippin’ hippie fool! (Just kidding)

    …you are far from alone in your opinion and I do respect it. However, I will count on you to post a comment/review/comparison to the 1971 film — but I will not be able to bring myself to watch what they have done!

  5. Doug replied:

    I promise to write you a comparison of the two films. As a kid, I think I should have just bought the book, as I had it out of the public library more often than it was in the library (I also did this with Paul Zindel’s The Pigman which I should go back and read to see if I still think its a classic).

    And speaking of trippin hippie stuff…that scene with Gene Wilder on the boat in the tunnel STILL freaks me out with its visuals…LOL

  6. matty replied:

    Doug — when I was in 5th grade there was a book about two best friends coping thru challenges in life it was written for children, but being the 70’s it was much more realistic than most children’s books. I loved it and got in trouble for trying to steal it! LOL! It was called “Dinky Hocker Shoots Smack”

    Did you ever hear of or read it? …It had nothing to do with drugs — I think the title was meant to grab attention.

    But, yeah, the tunnel sequence is horrific! I think the really creepy part is Gene Wilder’s twisted little sing-song. …all very Alice Cooper-like!

    But, my fave scene is Veruca’s big musical number about wanting everything! What a wonderful bad egg!

  7. Karyn replied:

    I think I am in the minority here but here goes: I thought the 1970’s Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory was an abomination.

    The book was and is still, one of my favorite works of all time. Roald Dahl could write ad copy for toilet paper and make it sound fabulous. Well – if he weren’t dead. That tends to slow the creative process… but I digress.

    I haven’t seen the ads for the Rosie movie. Juliette Lewis makes my teeth hurt if I look at her for too long but I think she did a good job in The Other Sister. Sadly natural.

    Giovanni Ribisi, same thing. I did love him as Phoebe’s half brother on Friends, but then, everything that grazed the periphery of that Prime Time Wonder seemed to come up golden.

    And Matt, as for Meg Ryan!!! I love Meg. But I thought In The Cut, her “breakthrough” role was just stupid. And kind of gross. There was one suspenseful moment that I actually cared about but that was really all. It was a giant nothing, and for the life of me I cannot see how that was a pivotal or significant role for her, walking around in her camisole sulking with her lips poised in an attempt to look like Michelle Pfeiffer.

    Andie MacDowell? Really? Ew. I have no respect for her as an actress since the final scene from Four Weddings & A Funeral. “Is it raining? I hadn’t noticed.” Pass the puke pail, please, and more importantly, pass on this insipid sounding story.

  8. Karyn replied:

    I meant to address this in the body of my comments but the a.d.d. took over and I went all off on a tangent…

    Willy Wonka? What the f*ck was up with those freaking Oompa Loompas? Did anyone else envision them to be Self-Tanner-Orange, badly coiffed, Leprachaunesque mutants with baritone voices? Am I misremembering it? I thought they must sound like Munchkins but they sounded like some weird men’s caroling group.

    I thought it all looked very campy, and while that is all very well and good if you like campy, I do not. I had – have? – less artistic vision I guess. My version would have been a little more Chris Columbus, a la Harry Potter. Tim Burton is so dark, i can’t think what he’ll do to the story. I found WWATCF to be confectionary in nature, (I swear to God, pun not intended) and thought it should be kind of light and fluffy, not all psychodelic and wacked out or dark and moody. But what do I know.

    Gene Wilder’s great, but even so he isn’t who I’d have picked. Robin Williams maybe? Well anyway. Onward.

  9. matty replied:

    Karyn — Yes, the 70’s Willy Wonka movie is quite campy — and VERY sinister/dark at times! And, for some reason, I find Gene Wilder reallly hot in that role!

    And, please don’t get me wrong — I LOVE Meg Ryan. However, I suspect that the whole retarded thing is a part of her acting method. I mean, just look at You’ve Got Mail — single business owner or retarded girl makes good? I think I know the answer. But, yes — her “breakthru” acting role was just horrible. It is as if she thought that acting in a “serious/art film” meant to take off her clothes, slouch even more than usual and act really bummed out all of the time — oh, and to have stringy brown hair. Once again, the call of a movie star or the misjudgement of a mentally challenged woman. Once again, I think I know the answer.

  10. Blakhope9 replied:

    I saw the picture of the movie with Rosie and Andie Mc Dowall and i wanted to spew chunks of my lunch! I can’t stand either of them.

    I love Johnny Depp and i love Tim Burton but they shold have not touched Willa Wonka. The original is my FAV movie of all time!!! But of course i want to go see the new movie. What does that say about me?!

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