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THE FEAR OF CLOWNS

…is real, grounded in reality and should be trusted at all times. If you are a professional clown of the circus, rodeo or children birthday party circuit — I apologize for offending you. However, I feel it is important that each and every one of you who sports giant flopply shoes, a detatchable red nose and painted on smiles or frowns is, at the core, evil. As Linda Rondstadt so wisely crooned — YOU, my clown friends, are just no good. However, I guess Linda probably wasnt’ thinking of clowns in the literal sense when she sang that song. …but I like to think that she was and as this is my blog I can make the assumption that she was singing to those evil extension of mimes across the globe.

Writing of Linda Rondstadt makes me think about how very harsh and cruel time can be. Linda used to be so very hot — both physically and professionally. I can remember when Rolling Stone declared her the Barbra Steisand of country/rock. …and then she decided to continue to push that creative envelope. Linda started paying attention to the charts of the early 80’s and decided that she liked what she heard! She grooved to the geeked-up sounds of Elvis Costello, Debbie Harry and Missing Persons. Suddenly, it just wasn’t enough to take low budget fare written by the likes of Warren Zevon, JD Souther, Buddy Holly and the Mick man himself. I mean, I am sorry, but The Rolling Stones do not bring TUMBLING DICE to life the way Miss Rondstadt did in 1977. The lady rocked our world and did it with a sort of slutty/distant grace seldom witnessed in the music biz. …but then New Wave grabbed our country/rock ice princess by the heart strings. Failing to see the dangerous line between disco and new wave — Linda cut her hair and had it spiked. She started wearing ripped t-shirts with black bras and wore satin short-shorts with old school rollerskates. …and the world laughed. No longer would we be able to buy the concept of Miss Rondstadt singing of Blue Bayous, woebegottten dice, silk purses, down and out herioine addicts or other low end matters of the heart in quite the same way. No, she sold out without even meaning to do so. Linda just wanted to explore a new and intersting world of cool — only to discover that she just wansn’t cool enough! Even Mick Rock declined to take her photo for her first New Wave LP. …And Mr. Costello, in a rare bit of cruelness, dismissed her cover of his songs as insulting. Debbie Harry, ever cool, rolled her eyes at Linda’s attempts to copy the original blonde one’s phrasing which came out more like a whine than a sneer. Yes, Linda was rejected by the alternative set. …and she burned her bridges with most of her country fans.

So, with heavey heart — Linda decided to do a Rosemary Clooney thing — and she went easy listening jazz standards on our collective ass. …and it worked for a little while. But then Streisand stole her thunder by deciding to go back to her roots which were the very songs that our Linda was just beginning to wrap her vocals around. Well, a B’way and easy listening standard will not ever be performed any better than Babs — and with THE BROADWAY ALBUM hitting the charts of the mid 80’s — Linda’s earnest and interesting take on such songs lost their power. Sure, she scored a couple of Disney hits — but who hasn’t reaped the musical benefit of some lame Disney cartoon within the last 20 years? And, yes — Linda explored her ethnic roots in the late 80’s/early 90’s — but not many seemed to care. And, we can’t forget some of the great vocal work she has done with Dolly and Emmylou — but Dolly, tho only as big as Linda’s left leg, just seems to push Linda out of the recording booth — and, tho we all know Emmy would never mean it — her voice is the closest thing to water since Karen Carpenter. No, Linda just can’t compete there — she can only compliment.

So, now she is fat and singing back-up for Bette Midler. Time has been cruel to Linda — but she pushes on. Someone like the White Stripes or Trent Reznor needs to come to her rescue — let her do a Johnny Cash/Loretta Lynn make over and reclaim her true country rock leanings. Linda Rondstadt we miss you! We all know that there is a Tom Waits cover album just waiting to pour out of your sould — you can do that, Linda. You can bring Tom Waits to the masses — and Mick Rock needs work now as we are in the 21st Century —- he will take your picture. And, hello, it is called the Adkins diet and it works! Kisses!

However, I digressed. I wanted to discuss the evils of clowns. I guess that will be another post. Just remember — never trust a clown in or out of costume/make-up. Take care to avoid clowns at all cost and all levels! And, if a clown should ask you to pull his finger — and you do, remember — you have been warned and will only have yourself to blame.