Dating just sucks. It seems like everyone wants someone who doesn’t want them. Perhaps I am over-reacting, but being unattainable seems to turn most guys on. I don’t get it.

A new pal of mine recently shared some thoughts of love. I had been telling him that, I feel, our culture has over-used the word “love” so much that it has come to mean very little. Love mean something different to everyone and it seems to get bandeed about too much. Is “bandeed” a word????? …I have a degree in English.

Anyway, I found this really interesting, so with Tom’s permissionn — I am posting the LOVE STYLES he shared with me. It is my understanding that these were created by a psychologist, but Tom wrote it out from memory. So the idea/concept is not is, but this is not written as the original author would have written it.


1.EROTIC LOVE (eros) is that based on physical attraction to a certain type. It is often experienced instantaneously, even
for a stranger. It can be intense and passionate if requited.

2. LUDIC LOVE (ludus – from the Latin word for play) is light and playful. It is love as a game. All that courship intrigue of flirting, and joking, approaching and backing off, and none of it taken too seriously. It could also be just “having fun” in bed.

3. STORGIC LOVE (storge – a Greek word for a type of friendship) is the nonsexual intimacy felt between close friends.
This is the love that cannot honestly be experienced instantly but build up over time. It is warm and comforatble, not passioate or frenzied. Intimacy comes from knwoing a person well through many different trials and contexts.
This love can be put on hold, left for years and come back without damaging it at all.

4. PRAGMATIC LOVE (pragma) is the practical love for a partner who fits the right profile socially: is about the right age, has the right job, is the right ethnicity, will be approved by your parents… People want to make a choice in their partner that will be socially validated by those around them, therefore stands a better chance of “working.” This type of love does not at all apply to Mary Kay Latourneau, or Romeo and Juliet, for example.

5. AGAPIC LOVE (agape – have you read the famous description of love in II Corntihians by St. Paul?) is altruistic and
self-sacrificing. It asks for nothng in return. Maybe the paradigm is the love of a mother for a helpless child, or the devoted care of a gay man whose partner is dying of AIDS and suffers from dementia so he no longer even remembers him.

6. MANIA LOVE (mania) is the intense passion of “falling in love,” felt for only one person at a time. This is the most intense type of love experience. It is short lived, lasting for a honeymoon period. Tom prefers to call this “limerence” – another term
that has been coined to describe the feeling. This is a dangerous kind of love, because if it is unrequited
can lead to a depression, similar to grief over loss of a loved one.

What kind of love do you seem to share the most with? Which love is preferable?

…and, is it possible to find it “online” We shall see!

February 16, 2005. Uncategorized.


  1. There and Back Again replied:


    Somewhere buried on my bookshelf is a slim volume on the nature of love that reflects what you posted. I’ve had the book since my undergraduate days–you know, when dinosaurs ruled the world… I thought it was interesting though a bit stark. I still think so. Not sure if one love is better than another. All have limitations; and limerance is not always manic love. I tend to equate that with infatuation. Whatever the case, human beings are just too damned complex and there’s the rub, isn’t it. I think that love ultimately finds us and from my knowledge of you, Mattie, you are an eminently lovable fellow. Not sure about the love online thing; and you know why; but I will say that it’s been an amazing way to make friends. And you know, making one good friend is a very cool thing. (ands please, let’s not go there about “Friends” whioch we discussed last weekend. You know what I mean.


  2. Jen Stewart replied:

    Well, actually, storge (affection, especially between parents/children), agape (charity), eros (erotic or romantic love), and philia (brotherly love, or friendship) were not terms that were made up by a psychologist — although from your list it looks like he appropriated and then bastardized the terms, adding a few derivative terms of his own along the way — those are definitions of love from classical Greek. They’ve been around longer than psychology,. 😉

  3. matty replied:

    How very interesting! I keep learning all sorts of interesting things from my friends! Cool!

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