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Difficult Conversations, Holidays and Jumps Into the Future

I stretch out my arms and jump forward —- to a new chapter, new adventures and happiness. My eyes are open. …And, you know, everyone and everything is going to be OK.

November 17, 2004. Uncategorized. 2 comments.

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Joni Mitchell in a Hat and Rufus Wainwright in Drag

I’ve been listening to a lot of Joni Mitchell lately. I love her last 3 CD’s — where she basically has re-recorded some of her classic songs and added full tilt orchestration. Her voice has weathered and all of this somehow changes the meaning of each song ever so slightly. Last night, her singing was driving Karl crazy. He kept saying, “I know I should like her, but I can’t stand her!” …Which is hard for me to understand because I just think she is almost perfect.

However, perfection is reserved for BARBRA. …Babs accepts nothing less! …And, of course, this is the main problem with her recent work. A bit of imperfection makes the performance more accessible and human. Nothing in life is perfect. And, nothing is easy. Memo to Barbra!

Rufus Wainwright’s sequel to his brilliant CD of last year came out today. I don’t like it. I am very disappointed. I do not see the connection between this new recording and the last one. I mean, it is not a bad recording. For most artists it would be fantastic, but I expect more from Rufus. Oh well, he does look quite pretty in drag on the cover and in the little CD booklet. I’ve never thought of him as pretty, but he pulls it off.

I think the condo is sold! Apartment hunting starts Thursday night!! I am not sad anymore. I am even a little excited. I am a bit scared. I have never liked being alone. So that part scares me. However, I think I may have met some nice folks via online. I just haven’t met them in person yet. I wish I could blink my eyes and see where I will be and how I will feel in a year.

One thing is for sure — the adventure is about to begin!

November 16, 2004. Uncategorized. 4 comments.

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Working Through It —- The Best I Can

Someone posted a comment to my blog that was ugly and I decided to remove it. What the person had to say was valid and made me stop and think about how I am working my way thru the process to what will essentially be a new chapter in my life. Karl is doing the same. The reason I decided to remove the post was due to the rather mean way the author chose to express him/her self. However, the reader posted a comment that stated I should have more consideration for how Karl feels and that it might be nicer of me to wait until we are completely dissolved before discussing future plans. I touched base with Karl. As I suspected, he was not upset by my posts or my choices. A couple of things I have written and discussed with him hurt a bit, but that is true on both sides. Karl and I have to be able to be honest with each other and move on — if we are to remain friends. It took me a while to realize it, but as Karl told me 7 or 8 months ago — we have been living as roommates for about 2 years now.

Several pals (both online and off) have expressed concern that I am jumping forward too fast. However, I have always moved fast in life. Over the past 6 years most of my gay male friends have moved out of state and I have lost touch with the others. I really need to reconnect with the world and make some friends. I know I have joked about “slutting out” — but that was really a reflection of some of my own frustrations as I work out of this. As I pursue new friendships, I am also keeping the door open for dating. I would be foolish not to do so.

Karl has really pushed himself to be more social and has been able to make some good friends via online chatting and so forth. He has a stronger network of local friends with whom he can talk. I need that too. In addition — this is my blog. I write what is going on for me and what I am thinking. It is never my intention to hurt anyone — especially Karl, with whom I shared some very wonderful years. I guess things just do not work out the way we plan them. It is time to move on and forward.

…And, to the individual who made posted the comment which has driven this one. I do want to thank you for making me stand back and reflect. I also want to let that reader know that Karl and I have discussed. We are ok with it. We are both moving forward. And, Karl understands that I need to reconnect with gay friends. Please feel free to post your comments and be honest — but I would ask that you try not to be so judgmental and ugly in the way you express yourself. It really isn’t cool. I’ve a funny feeling that what I wrote will probably piss you off. …that is what several people have warned me about. I hope it doesn’t. I really do.

November 15, 2004. Uncategorized. 4 comments.

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Packing and Purging

For some odd reason, I ended up staying up till 4am watching Paul Morrisey’s WOMEN IN REVOLT staring Candy Darling, Jackie Curtis and Holly Woodland. It was not good. I guess the thing is after hearing so much about these Warhol ‘girls’ — I found it interesting to watch them make up lame commentary about the women’s liberation movement. At the heart of all of Paul Morrisey’s work is a politically and socially conservative. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was using ridiculous and drug-addled drag queens to make fun of the liberation and civil rights of women —- or, maybe he was just uninspired without Little Joe. Anyway, I watched the whole thing.

Candy Darling really was quite pretty. Holly Woodland was soooooo good in TRASH. She just sucked in this one. Jackie Curtis was just scary. I purchased a rare copy of Candy Darling’s “auto-biography” several months ago. I have not yet read it, but it is encased in a cushy pink vinyl girl’s diary —- complete with a key and girlish script. Look forward to reading it. I think it may be a reproduction of her actual journal kept during her time as a Warhol Superstar and beyond. Should be a fun/interesting read.

Spent all of today packing things up and tossing things out. I am feeling quite optimistic now. This is an opportunity for me to sort of start over! So, I rid myself of many things I have been dragging around for years. …Yes, friends, one of those things was my Cher Head. I hope Jenny, my best friend from my high school/college days will understand. She gave it to my on my 21st birthday. Somehow it seemed fitting to let her go on my 38th.

It looks like I may have connected with a few guys via OutInBoston.Com for possible friendship or/and dating. Hope to meet a couple of them soon. That is a good thing because over the years I have just about lost all contact with my gay pals in the city. — the precious few I’ve remained in touch with now live in California, or New York. So, I need to make some new friends and have some fun!

November 14, 2004. Uncategorized. 2 comments.

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I am an eternal ray of sunshine — here on the world wide web to share the warmth of my being. Bask in my glow. …not.  Posted by Hello

Well, this was my first attempt to post a picture of myself to my blog using the free software that Blogger offers. Either it doesn’t work or I did it wrong. I suspect I did it wrong. I will try to figure it out later. Too bad, tho. As it was to be a very “cheezy” picture of my face superimposed on a sunflower!

Slept late today, got my “hair did”, had lunch and then Karl helped schlep about 500 CD’s and DVD’s all over the city. I was selling them. I decided that I just had too many and needed to do some serious purging of possessions. It took us all day! Oi!

Now, I am waiting for take out to arrive. Jon — you would be ashamed if you had any idea of the quality of Asian cuisine I will soon be receiving. However, I just need to eat something!

I think I am going to chill tonight. Looks like Karl is packing. I might back up my books. Please do not make fun of me, but I want to see the new Bridget Jones movie. I might see that tomorrow after I wake up.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

November 13, 2004. Uncategorized. 3 comments.

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Being 38 with thoughts of Linda Rondstatd and The New York Post

I am officially 38 now — and am about to embark into a whole new chapter of my life. I feel just like Marsha Mason in Chapter Two! I did feel like Jill Clayburgh, but I now feel more optimistic —- So I will go with Neil Simon over Paul Muzurtzsky. Artistically, probably not a good move — but from the life perspective, I figure it is more healthy.

I was listening the Stones on my Walkman this morning. They started singing Tumbling Dice. Now, this is a Stones song, but Linda Rondstadt had a hit single of it in the mid or late 70’s when I was kid. It made me think, “Wow. Remember when Linda Rondstadt was cool and everyone thought she was hot?” …not anymore.

Then I walked past a news stand and noticed that classy bit of journalism excellence, THE NEW YORK POST. If you have not seen today’s edition, it is worth a look just for sure bad taste. There is a photo of a heavy-set woman in tears with the headline reading, “Till The Arafat Woman Cries” or something to that effect. …Still, it made me laugh.

November 12, 2004. Uncategorized. 8 comments.

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Me & My iBook!

I was dreading setting my new Apple/Mac iBook G4. I had watched Karl work for hours to get our Dell PC up and running and I just was going on the assumption that I would be dealting with the same thing. However, this was the easiest set up I could have imagined. I ran into two problems. I had to call Apple for tech support. Oh my God — both phone calls went so well. Both operators seemed to be happy to chat with me and guide me thru my “issues” — and I didn’t have to wait more than one minute on either call to speak with a real person. I now have Microsoft 2004 installed on my the ibook. I have a DVD player. I have a CD player. And it is so incrediblly easy to use. If anyone out there is about to invest in a new PC, give some thought to spending the extra money. Looks like it is well worth it to me.

So, here I am typing on my iBook. Getting used to navigating — tho, when I put together my new table in my new apartment I have an Apple keyboard and mouse to use.

I have no real news to report.

Oh, Underling — If you’re out there, please post your new picture to your site. You look absolutely delicious!!! Karl wanted to see it, but I had already deleted it because, based upon what you wrote, you didn’t seem to like it. …I do not know why!

My brother isn’t coming for Turkey Day after all. So, I guess that means I will have a long weekend of watching DVD’s and going to the movies. I will have to stock up on some food for the actual holiday. Who needs turkey anyway!

November 11, 2004. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

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Courage and Strength

I was surfing thru the OutInAmerica.com site and came upon a profile. I was struck by the man’s intense and lovely eyes. I clicked on to his home website and was reminded about the immense power of the human soul. This man and his life partner are fighting a battle that most of us could not even comprehend. Reading about his brave fight to educate and help others — and to survive and live with pain unimaginable —- it made me think. …I don’t know from problems. There is much to be learned. And, as with so many horrid diseases — funding for medical research is needed. Sometimes I think only of AIDS and breast cancer because those things have taken people I have loved from my life and have also put other dear friends through hell. Sometimes, I think, it is important to refocus our perspectives. Take a few and visit Joey’s site. Just click

  • HERE

    November 10, 2004. Uncategorized. 3 comments.

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    An Unmarried Man

    So, where is my Alan Bates???? Does anyone out there remember AN UNMARRIED WOMAN? I snuck in to watch it when I was little kid. Anyway, I remember she ended up meeting this really hot guy who was not interested in being married or committed, but who wanted to have her.

    The reason I am thinking of that old 70’s movie is that it looks like we just sold our condo. Of course, a number of things need to be reviewed and approved — but I think it will be a done deal. One thing is for sure — if it is going to happen it will happen quick! We will have to be out by no later than 12/15.

    That means we start packing this weekend and start apartment hunting a week from this weekend. I am thinking I want to live in either the Green House or Church Park. …they both have air-conditioning. This is a must pour moi. However, I would also be open to Prudential Towers or The Devonshire. I lived in The Devonshire before. …not bad, but I like to control my environment. Both of those building operate like an office building using forced air so that the whole building is either heated or cooled.

    Lots of work to be done. Feels really odd to be moving forward so fast. Things change so quickly you hardly have time to catch up.

    …And, I’ve got to get this once firm/tight ass back to the gym. One just can’t be this gay — and be 38 (next week! UGH!) — and fat! …I guess I am not really fat, but I am developing quite a belly. That just will not do! And, if memory serves me well, Jill Clayburgh was really thin as THE UNMARRIED WOMAN.

    signing off for the night with gentle kisses and heavy thoughts,
    matt

    November 9, 2004. Uncategorized. 2 comments.

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    Whew!

    I left the office at about 1:30pm this afternoon. Came home, sat in front of the PC for a few minutes, Karl arrived back from the Cape and I fell asleep for an hour or so. The first big office move is over. The rest of the week will be busy, but not like the past 4 days! Thank goodness. Actually, I didn’t do half as much as other members of the team — but I seemed much more tired! After tomorrow, I may even get to work a “normal” hour work day! I have to get to the ‘swing space’ office really early tomorrow to meet with a partner — but the rest of the week will be spent ironing out any kinks/issues at both locations.

    The cell phone portion of my Palm Treo 600 just really sucks. It became painfully obvious during this first move. We are using Motorola walkie-talkie’s, but I really could have used a reliable cell phone. So, I purchased an actual cell phone on Saturday evening after I left the office and moved my Cingular account from the Palm Pilot to the new cell phone. It is amazing how much it can do! Anyway, this will be my phone moving forward. When I get my own place I am going to skip the whole phone thing and stick with the cell. As I am so clumsy and forgetful, I took out the Cingular insurance policy so that when I destroy it or lose it —- they will just hand me a new one. — Three more dollars a month. I figure it is worth it.

    Thanks to my region-free DVD player I have been able to secure DVD’s from Poland of Larry Clark’s KENT PARK and Chritina Ricci’s film of PROZAC NATION! Neither of which have ever secured a distributor for either the US or UK. However, both made it to Poland. Go figure.

    I have always liked Larry Clarke’s films. I also have enjoyed Harmony Korine’s film work. I find the images to be interesting and uniquely American. The only thing that I find annoying is the need to try to shock the audience. Both cast actors who, while all over 18, could all pass for 13 to 16. That envelope gets pushed. Anyway, what you read/hear in the press is usually more hyper-over-re-action to what you end up seeing on the screen. Regarding KENT PARK, it actually was more extreme than what I had read. I mean, the press has said that the film was too graphic for an R-rating and Clarke has refused to make any edits. I liked it. However, there is no getting around the fact that the movie is pornographic. However, it was kind of cool to see the “boys” exploited as much as the “girls”

    I haven’t had a chance to see PROZAC NATION yet.

    OH! And, I managed to find a copy of a classic cult film, THUNDERCRACK!, I learned about from one of my fave bloggers, Trash Addict (see link to the left on side bar), the movie is pure genius. At once bad, good, nasty, funny and really odd! There is a company working on releasing it to DVD in pristine condition. The DVD I obtained is VERY low budget and grainy — but that really made it seem all the more fitting. THUNDERCRACK deserves a place in film history along with John Water’s PINK FLAMINGOS! Watch for the wonderous lead actress’s work with cucumbers! Quite simply, astounding! lol!Classic! Lubin — Thank you!!!!

    November 7, 2004. Uncategorized. 4 comments.

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