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Getting Personal

A good friend recently warned me about posting things which cross too far over into that line of the personal. And, her advice was right. So, I have been struggling with what to write about what is going on right now. This afternoon I realized that a few of you already know. And, this is not a secret.

After much soul searching, discussion, therapy and plenty of tears Karl and I have decided to end our relationship. This is something that I never imagined would happen. I always thought that love would win out — that all that mattered was that you love and respect each other and all else can be over come. I guess I was wrong. Not to sound like a drama queen —- but we all know that I have leanings in that direction — anyway, it has felt like my heart was breaking. Even though I am very sad and depressed over the situation — I have to say that once we both said that we need to break up — there was a sort of invisible weight that seemed to lift off my shoulders because I was no longer stuck in relationship limbo. I knew what I was going to do and that in itself was a relief. However, it is still hard for me to talk about.

I think the reason I am even writing about it now is because I am being faced with a couple of very scary things. I am losing Karl with whom I have built a life that I have treasured for over 9 years. I am also losing his family which I have come to think of as my family. Then there is our home. I had wanted to just buy Karl out, but the more I looked at it —- I just think it would be too much for me. I need my spending money. Also, I am thinking I want to be free of the constraints created by owning property. It is easy to break a lease, but selling a home can be more of a challenge. You never know, once I pull my head, act and body together — I just might take off for an adventure. Maybe I will finally get myself the real city — Manhattan!! Of course I have no real idea of what the future holds — who does?

When I got home this evening feeling rather sick from my therapy session I held Dusty and she just let me hold on to her which she licked my neck. I have gone back and forth over whether or not I should hang on to Dusty — she brings me so much joy and I love her so much. However, there are no luxury apartments in Boston which will allow dogs. …And, since I will be single —- I may want a bit more freedom than owning a dog will allow. Also, I think Dusty might be happier living with Karl’s parents who adore her. Karl’s dad is home all day and I think he would love Dusty’s company. I think Dusty will have a happier life with Karl’s parents than with me. A very trusted advisor and friend told me that I was being silly — that “Dusty is just a dog, afterall” …but I am not sure I agree with that view. Dusty is a precious living thing who loves to be with people. What kind of life is it to be crated all day waiting for me to come home at 7pm to walk her and play with her for a few hours before I go to bed. As much as it will hurt, I need to let Dusty go.

So — we are about to put the condo on the market. Everything in our lives is about to change. I guess I just never thought I would find myself in this place. And, while I know that we are doing the right thing that doesn’t stop it from hurting like hell. This all feels like someone has died.

Life can really fuck with you sometimes. It sucks. Worst of all, I do not believe you can just stop loving someone. How does one bridge past that to move on? I guess I will learn. I just know that I do not want to be alone.

I need a Prince Charming to rush in and sweep me out of this mess. Any Prince Charmings out there in blog land?

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October 27, 2004. Uncategorized.

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