This rollercoaster of trauma is no easy picnic and there seem to be no easy answers to many of the questions that keep coming up. On the one hand, I am sleeping a bit better. I should re-phrase that to state that I am getting more sleep. The quality of the sleep is not what it should be. I am also not feeling as desperate as I was on Monday. This is significant and well worth making a note. However, I still feel very low. It just seems hard to get up any level of motivation — and then when I do try to do something — like take in a movie or go to a restaurant for lunch I have a panic attack beyond belief. So, while I am no longer feeling without hope, I still have a feeling of use-less-ness.

Karl is upset that my newly-appointed therapist is not seeing me again until the end of next week and is not happy with the meds prescribed as it takes a while (two weeks) for them to build up in my system. I just started taking them on Monday evening. I understand his concerns and agree that I should probably be seeing someone more often, but am at a loss as to how to address. I am leaving a message with my doctor to give me another referal and will try to find a less busy shrink.

Part of me wonders if what the therapist told me might just be true — that it takes a time for this sorts of disorders to play out. Maybe that is what is happening. Maybe it is playing out and I am on my way out of this shitty fog and off this damn coaster. At least this is what I hope. Meanwhile, I have to continue to push myself to do things and face these new-found phobias head-on. It is just hard to do that when you feel so down. I’ve never really felt as low as I’ve felt these past 3 weeks. Anyway, I am going to try and take in a movie tomorrow. Tried to do this yesterday and had to leave in the middle of the movie because I couldn’t catch my breath. …then had a lovely crying spell in the car. …I don’t think anyone noticed. At least I hope no one noticed.

I know it is stupid and not very logical, but I find all of this quite embarassing. Am only putting it in my blog just in case there is someone else out there going through this. I think it helps to know you’re not alone. Am reading a book advised to me by one of the doctors I am seeing. Am finding it hard to read, but that would be a normal reaction. I read a few pages and then have to put it down. The Courage to Heal by Bass and Davis is not without controversy, but it seems to ring true as I read. The book is aimed at women, but once you start reading you understand that it is intended for both men and women. So it goes.

On a lighter note, the new Fleetwood Mac CD came out on Tuesday. Not thrilled with it. That is, not to say it is a bad CD — it is actually quite good in spots, but this is not a Fleetwood Mac record. It is as if someone merged a Stevie Nicks solo project with a Lindsey Buckingham solo project and just mixed the songs around. Then they stuck a “Fleetwood Mac” name on it. I would have never thought Christine McVie meant so much to their formula — but she did. There a strong absence of balance, harmony and pop. The songs do not connect. However, for those of you who know me, I am a sucker for Stevie Nicks and have been playing her tracks over and over again. Buckingham’s tracks are good, but loud — and I seem to have a constant headache so I’ve not been listening much to his stuff. The cover of this new CD is quite telling. It is a photo of the band lying on a floor. The photo is cropped so that the drummer and the bass player are not on the cover —- leaving a shot of both Ms. Nicks and Mr. Buckingham. As that old Fleetwood Mac song goes, oh well.

So, these have been my days/nights. I sit, cry, read, listen to a disjointed Fleetwood Mac CD and try to rest. Basically, things just suck right now, but I’ve faith and am tough. I will be ok. I guess it is just going to take me a lot longer than I expected. On top of everything else, I left my boss, assistant, HR and my staff at our firm’s busiest time. I know that I shouldn’t because this is certainly not something I set out to do, but I feel guilty and embarassed. When I discussed this with my therapist, she told me to get over it and deal with what really matters — me. So, I am. And, I do think I am getting better — just at a really slow rate of return.

April 17, 2003. Uncategorized.

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