92808675

Disjointed

This rollercoaster of trauma is no easy picnic and there seem to be no easy answers to many of the questions that keep coming up. On the one hand, I am sleeping a bit better. I should re-phrase that to state that I am getting more sleep. The quality of the sleep is not what it should be. I am also not feeling as desperate as I was on Monday. This is significant and well worth making a note. However, I still feel very low. It just seems hard to get up any level of motivation — and then when I do try to do something — like take in a movie or go to a restaurant for lunch I have a panic attack beyond belief. So, while I am no longer feeling without hope, I still have a feeling of use-less-ness.

Karl is upset that my newly-appointed therapist is not seeing me again until the end of next week and is not happy with the meds prescribed as it takes a while (two weeks) for them to build up in my system. I just started taking them on Monday evening. I understand his concerns and agree that I should probably be seeing someone more often, but am at a loss as to how to address. I am leaving a message with my doctor to give me another referal and will try to find a less busy shrink.

Part of me wonders if what the therapist told me might just be true — that it takes a time for this sorts of disorders to play out. Maybe that is what is happening. Maybe it is playing out and I am on my way out of this shitty fog and off this damn coaster. At least this is what I hope. Meanwhile, I have to continue to push myself to do things and face these new-found phobias head-on. It is just hard to do that when you feel so down. I’ve never really felt as low as I’ve felt these past 3 weeks. Anyway, I am going to try and take in a movie tomorrow. Tried to do this yesterday and had to leave in the middle of the movie because I couldn’t catch my breath. …then had a lovely crying spell in the car. …I don’t think anyone noticed. At least I hope no one noticed.

I know it is stupid and not very logical, but I find all of this quite embarassing. Am only putting it in my blog just in case there is someone else out there going through this. I think it helps to know you’re not alone. Am reading a book advised to me by one of the doctors I am seeing. Am finding it hard to read, but that would be a normal reaction. I read a few pages and then have to put it down. The Courage to Heal by Bass and Davis is not without controversy, but it seems to ring true as I read. The book is aimed at women, but once you start reading you understand that it is intended for both men and women. So it goes.

On a lighter note, the new Fleetwood Mac CD came out on Tuesday. Not thrilled with it. That is, not to say it is a bad CD — it is actually quite good in spots, but this is not a Fleetwood Mac record. It is as if someone merged a Stevie Nicks solo project with a Lindsey Buckingham solo project and just mixed the songs around. Then they stuck a “Fleetwood Mac” name on it. I would have never thought Christine McVie meant so much to their formula — but she did. There a strong absence of balance, harmony and pop. The songs do not connect. However, for those of you who know me, I am a sucker for Stevie Nicks and have been playing her tracks over and over again. Buckingham’s tracks are good, but loud — and I seem to have a constant headache so I’ve not been listening much to his stuff. The cover of this new CD is quite telling. It is a photo of the band lying on a floor. The photo is cropped so that the drummer and the bass player are not on the cover —- leaving a shot of both Ms. Nicks and Mr. Buckingham. As that old Fleetwood Mac song goes, oh well.

So, these have been my days/nights. I sit, cry, read, listen to a disjointed Fleetwood Mac CD and try to rest. Basically, things just suck right now, but I’ve faith and am tough. I will be ok. I guess it is just going to take me a lot longer than I expected. On top of everything else, I left my boss, assistant, HR and my staff at our firm’s busiest time. I know that I shouldn’t because this is certainly not something I set out to do, but I feel guilty and embarassed. When I discussed this with my therapist, she told me to get over it and deal with what really matters — me. So, I am. And, I do think I am getting better — just at a really slow rate of return.

April 17, 2003. Uncategorized.

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