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Trauma Rollercoaster and Thoughts of Regretta…

I’ve not been posting regularly. Things have been kind of rough for me as of late and I suspect that this will be my most “private” posting as of yet. As I sat with each specialist to prep for my body scan regarding the genetic disorder passed to me by my late father and we reviewed his autopsy report panic attacks started to hit me from every direction — thus quickly sending me into a downward spiral of depression. Feeling so low I knew I was headed for trouble. I’ve been there before — well over 15 years ago and it was not fun. All of this childhood trauma is knocking me down and out. To borrow a NIN title, I feel broken and am basically incapable of doing much. Depression sucks — and I seem to have it all. Crying jaggs (and I never cry!), tossing cookies, sleepless nights — and a horrific nightmare I’ve not had since I was 19 or 20 years old. At that time, I think I had what could be termed as a nervous breakdown. Am doing everything I can to prevent this from happening to me again.

So, now it is back to major therapy. Sort of like being on a rollercoaster of trauma. Just when you hope things are going to settle down you start to hit “The Childhood from Hell” loop, then the coaster hits “The Curve of Sadness” —- and the ride seems to be going on without end. Like I was placed in my cart due to an E ticket from hell. And so the ride goes on…

It took a while for the doctors to get me in with a shrink that they felt could “evaluate” and “help” me. I met with her today. After having spent an hour talking to her and crying — she tells me we are out of time and will need to meet again tomorrow. As I was trying to pull myself together I told her of my plan to return to work this coming Monday, but plan on working this weekend to catch up and see how I do. She just looked at me and said, “We can discuss that tomorrow. Have you ever been hospitalized for depression?” …the answer to that question would be a no. However, am sure you can imagine what is running through my mind.

Jesus, I do not want to be placed in one of those places. Boy, Interrupted. Matt Flys Over the Cukoo Nest. I just fucking hate this. And, my mind keeps going back to an old friend of mine with whom I’ve lost contact. He once told me, after I decided to end therapy, that if I didn’t fully deal with all of the crap I lived through — it would catch up to me and it wouldn’t be fun. I used to call him “Regretta” — from his fave movie star, Gretta Garbo. I miss him and now I am worried that his warning might have been correct.

The one thing that I seem to be able to do and focus on is playing with our new CD burner. I’ve burned so many CD’s it is really scary. Now, I’ve moved on to making CD’s for friends. Poor Peter and Duncan are about to get CD’s they probably have no use for. Oh well. The doctors have encouraged me to do the things that relax me. I was given the “assignment” of seeing a movie a day. Normally, this would be a dream come true for me. …but I seem to be having a great deal of trouble getting out of the car and going into a cinema. And I am having trouble focusing on movies on TV via DVD. Actually, I am just having trouble focusing.

If only I could get one solid night’s sleep. If only I could feel ok. I really want to return to work — seems like it would be good to get back into a routine and have to deal with things other than all about me. However, 75% of my job is dealing with people. Not sure how I would do with that percentage of my job right now, but would sure like to give it a shot.

Karl has been great. He has been my savior and is helping me work through all of this crap. Am so lucky to have him in my life. I’ve also been blessed to work for such a great firm. My boss and the firm are being very supportive as I get through this. And, I will get through this!

April 9, 2003. Uncategorized.

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