MY PAL, OSTIA ROCKS!
— Look! He photo-shopped me and Ing! Cool!

A SLAVE TO BONGWATER & DESPERATELY SEEKING INGRID

Well, what a day it was! I think I shall move thru the day backwards. At around 5pm I got it in my head that I wanted to go visit Ingrid and that, perhaps, we could attack some of those annoying flower-carrying-lovers who just seemed to be taunting me all fucking day! However, it was all in vain. I never found Ingrid. If I had access to PhotoShop I would impose that little picture of Ing over Madonna’s head and replace Roseanne Arquette’s with that little picture of me. …aside from being highly clever it might give us an idea of what Roseanne’s little brother, Alex, might look like once he completes the transition to become her sister. Tho, I guess he would be prettier than me. Or, certainly he will have longer hair. Anyway, I don’t have PhotoShop so you will just have to imagine the effect.

I ran to catch the train — just barely go on before it took off. I guess it moved about 2 feet forward. Then it just sat there. …for 40 minutes! …and it was rush hour crowded. The driver refused to let anyone off because the two foot move put us in some walking danger zone. Ugh! People were getting really upset, flowers were starting to wilt (hee hee) and there seemed to be fears that hearts would break as cell phones were not getting reception. Then we started moving, but VERY slowly. I guess it took us about 15 minutes to get to the next station. I jumped off that train because I could no longer breathe and I needed to change to outbound anyway. Well, I waited along with about 200 other people (most of whom were holding flowers — the bastards!) …I gave up after about 20 minutes. My search for Ingrid came to an end. Sadly, I had no way of getting home as there was some sort of problem with MUNI both ways. ??? …and I HAD to pee! So, I ended up having a popcorn and Diet Coke for dinner while I watched some French-Canadian film at the Castro. I can’t remember the name. It was good, tho. I had sold several of my DVD’s this morning so that paid for the movie/dinner.

That was the end of my day. Earlier, while at the cafe on Market watching all the pretty boys with their flowers and love in their hearts I decided I had to take a break from my online job posting searches and applications. I took a walk. I walked by this homeless guy who was actually pretty hot, but in bad need of a shower and probably a lot more. Anyway, he had all of these odd things spread out on his stinky blanket. He was selling odd stuff. But, my eyes were drawn to a stack of old Barbra Streisand LP’s. I have no record player. But, looking at LP’s fascinates me — especially when a nostalgia factor comes into play. The records were in really bad shape, but his copy of LIVE AT THE FORUM still had the poster in it! And, he did have one pristine LP — the soundtrack to A STAR IS BORN. While I was bent down looking lovingly at it the somehow cute homeless man said in a “surfer-dude” kind of way — “Barbara Eden was so fucking hot in that movie! And, look at how young James Brolin is!” I didn’t even bother to correct him as I noticed he had very few of his teeth and his breath KILLED! I opened the gatefold and waxed all happy over the pix. “I will sale that to ya for $5!” I closed the LP and told him that I had no money and no record player. “Ok, dude, you drive a hard bargain — I will sell ya that piece of history for 25 cents!” …Jeez. This guy must really need that crank fix. So, I gave him two dimes and a nickel and walked away with my piece of useless history.

Then I found a penny with the head facing up.

And, then I thought of my brief folly in the month of April, 1991. Well, OK — that is not true. I didn’t think of this at all. I will drop the blogging lie right now. I did not find Ingrid in person but she made a comment posting which made mention of the late great 80’s/90’s alt-rock band, Bongwater and one of their all time great songs from their seminal CD, “The Power Of Pussy” — which everyone of you should own if you don’t already! Great wisdom on this album. Anyway, Bongwater was Ann Magnuson and stoner/musician-cum-indie label-leader-producer, Kramer. Kramer is a very talented and hot looking man! I do believe he is about as straight as he can be. But, you know we would not have WEEN, King Missle or Damon & Naomi had it not been for Kramer. He owned Shimmy Disc Records out of NJ/NYC and he discovered WEEN and spent many a day in Jamaica with those two boys getting stoned, teaching them about the indie music biz and eating lots of jerked meat type foods. Their home movies would become the first WEEN vid-clips. Anyway, I was sitting in my tiny studio apartment one night at about midnight. At that time, in April of 1991 all I owned was a sleeping bag, a crate with a wind-up alarm clock, a kick ass stereo and a TV/VCR. I was sitting there listening to one of my Shimmy Disc CD’s and what seemed like it should be my destiny hit me! I should devote myself to Kramer!

So, I took out a pen and a sheet of paper (I owned some of those, too) and wrote a letter to Kramer offering myself up as his personal slave. I told him that I would be more than happy to sexually serve him and even attempt to do the same for Ann, but I figured I could also run errands or do whatever he might need. All he had to do was give me a place to sleep, food to eat and enough money to take in at least one movie a week. I thought I was being ever so clever and funny. I mailed the letter the next morning on my way to a temp job. About a month later I received a hand-written letter from Kramer along with a big blue Shimmy Disc sweatshirt, a video of Bongwater/WEEN promo vid-clips, the 2 CD set of Double Bummer by Bongwater and a bunch of tiny Jamaican voo-doo dolls!!!!! In the letter (which stunk of stale pot) Kramer wrote that he and Ann already had two sex slaves each and one slave each who did their other bidding. He added that he could barely afford a new guitar much less send some gay kid to the movies. He said that he and Ann were deeply touched that I would want to perform oral pleasures on both of them, but there simply wasn’t enough time in their jet-set slum NYC lifestyles for anymore oral sex. He wrote that he sent these gifts as tokens of his love even tho he didn’t go for boys. Tho, he did note that if he did he was fairly certain he would go for me because this was the first time he was declining a free blow job. It was very funny and cool!!!!

…I lost it. I loaned the video to the nutty bi boyfriend of a girlfriend of mine and never saw it again. I ended up selling the double CD set so I could see PRINCE OF TIDES for a third time. …shut up. …stop making fun of me. I did wear the shirt till it fell apart, tho.

Anyway, as I type this I hope that Kramer is enjoying his life post The Knitting Factory — the last place/project with which I am aware of his involvement. And, I hope that someday he and Ann will make up and do a reunion CD. …and, dedicate to that 24 year old kid who was willing to devote himself to the cause that was Bongwater! Now, Ann lives in Silverlake. Married. And she writes for Paper magazine covering the LA party/art scene for them. Poor Kramer.

Well, Valentines Day is over and I am not TOO bitter about it. And, maybe next time I go out seeking Ingrid I will be able to find her! And, my 25 cent copy of Babs/Kris history is leaning on my bookshelf. …it no longer stinks. I sprayed it with Lysol.

kisses and soft, moist love,
matty

A MONKEY RIDING HIS OWN GIANT PENIS VALENTINE AND HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF LOVE, IF YOU’VE GOT IT!!!

Another customer at the cafe felt it was really creepy and that I should be worried, but as I’ve no Valentine to call my own — I’ve opted to think the arrival of my odd little necklace and wondrous romantic gesture. There was one of those cushioned mailers waiting for me upon my arrival to my mail box. It was addressed to me, but had no return address — only a post mark from Palm Springs, CA. Inside was a little adjustable necklace with an unusual little copper thing of a monkey holding on to his enormous penis. No note. Just the pervy necklace. I put it on. My funny valentine.

This afternoon I stood on the platform at Castro Station waiting for my train. I cute and lanky punk-ish college-age boy walked by a couple of times. He stopped and asked me if I had the time. I did. He introduced himself. I introduced myself. Awkward moment of silence as I take a deep breath and as he stares at my shoes. Then, he asks me if I have time to grab a drink. Flattered, but not really the daddy-type I tell him that I really have to get home and thank him for the offer. He says ok and walks further down the platform. A hot early 40’s guy walks by me. I turn and catch his eye. I smile and say hello. His eyes dart away as he mumbles something and walks past the cute and lanky punk-ish college-age boy going down as far as the second bench. I notice that he is watching a skin-head queen across on the other side of the subway platform.

And, I think. This is the sad state of all things romantic. No one wants the one who wants them because the skin-head queen is watching the cute and lanky punk-ish college-age boy who is still looking over at me. I stare at my shoes, wish I had a job and think of the odd monkey penis necklace I’m wearing under my blue shirt. …well, it’s not flowers or a proposal and I know not who sent it to me — but it is mine.

Now, for those of you who are blessed enough to be in love right now, I wish you and yours a very happy Valentines Day and encourage you to have a romantic dinner and a night of pure erotic bliss. Now, for optimum love making one should set the mood with the right music.

I’ve decided to share my fave albums with which to have intimate relations. Feel free to borrow from my collection and have fun. …you lucky bastards! …it’s just me and my monkey, I guess.

…this CD is paced perfectly — slow, pseudo-trip-hop vibe turning to hardcore passion then steaming down to a sort of ambient flow. Amazing. …in my humble opinion, the single most beautiful and romantic recording ever made. Be warned tho, the newly remasterd CD has like 20 minutes of outtakes at the end featuring Billie Holiday clearing her throat, forgetting lyrics and complaining to the producer and orchestra. Why did Sony do that?!??!
…yes. He is just as good as he looks. Think Tom Waits with a clear voice and more erotically-minded. Oh, and VERY French. I’ve no idea what he is singing about but my monkey gets harder with each note. Very sexy and romantic. Highly recommend these two CD’s! Well worth the import cost. …ah, if you don’t know the erotic joys of Chet Baker you are simply at the edge of the Forrest, my friend. Put him on and he/she is yours and your are his/hers. Extra cool and effective on a rainy day. Actually, Chet Baker is a pleasure probably best for lazy/hazy romantic days. So, if you and yours can get the day off today…
…romantic and just a little down-n-dirty. Can’t go wrong with this classic album from Ms. James. Skip the anthologies and hit collections for romantic background music. …speaking of down-n-dirty and going at it for all it’s worth. This may be a bit hardcore or deviant for some, but I think it is purrrrrrfect love makin’ music. Whoopee gone sour, but hot. …OK, I can hear the collective groan, but leave your Anti-Barbra feelings at the door. This is not the standard Babs LP. The classical selections are dreamy, lush, soft and sort of floating. Fails as a classical recording, but wonderfully erotic. This is a good one to slip on for a final go as the clock winds down to 3 or 4am. Soft and passionate. Well worth the soreness later. …well, I can’t explain it but I find this recording to be REALLY hot. For a darker evening of lust with an edge. …granted, this might be a bit of an odd choice, but sometimes a dip into the darker side can be extra hot. Also, if you like to laugh a bit while enjoying each other (which I do) — just time it right. Nothing is more fun than to say things like, “…Fuck you, Grandma.” “Sid!??! What about the after sex drugs?????” “We need these.” “If I ask you to, will you kill me?” or “…some Vietnam bullshit.” It can be fun! Don’t knock it till ya try it! After all, we all know that love kills and no one proved it better than Chole Webb and Gary Oldman as Sid & Nancy. …Ok, now this is not going to be for everyone, but if you like your time spent on the edge and the idea of hot sex to the radiator Lady from EraserHead’s song as performed by an odd British goth band - this is the album for you night of love. It can be fun. Go for this if you’ve shared more than 6 Valentines together. But, this is not for beginner couples. Ok? …oh boy, Mr. Murat is hot and with very pretty melodies. Husky French voices — can’t go wrong here. I think he might be singing about horses and cars, but it feels like he is singing about the merger of bodies. Hot stuff and perfectly fine if no Arthur H. is handy. …a double whammy of erotic tension and release when Isabelle Huppert and Murat go at it musically. Um, this is all about sex anyway so the French aspect just brings us to new lust and passion heights. You can almost smell the sex as the music plays. Featuring odd conversations, sounds of the street, subway trains and suspicious laughter. Hard to find, but worth it if you can. My monkey is now spent.

…but, Matt and your horny little monkey necklace, what do we play after we are both so spent from the shared joys and pleasures of the night????

Well, kids — in my opinion you really only have two choices. It depends on just how spent you are and if you and your partner are true cuddlers. …this is probably the best choice if you like to spoon into sleep. Can’t go wrong with this choice. Smmmmmmoooth, but just a hint of distance. …if you’re both like me and just don’t want the night to end — this is the way to go. This is for the hardcore cuddle, kids. This is not a good CD for sex, but it is perfect for after. Hold each other. Break away to do just a bit more soft exploration to bring some fun joy to your lover as she/he is falling into sleep. This is an aural cocoon of love.

AND — for the rest of us, the losers. …the unlucky in love. …the ones who are alone and without valentine lovers I offer the following suggestions:

Lots and lots of chocolate!
Viewings of either FATAL ATTRACTION or YOUR FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS
And, play Fleetwood Mac’s RUMOURS really loud because it is the ultimate middle finger to love. Angry, upset, frustrated, lonely — and, yet there is hope that love might be headed to us later on. Like, next year maybe???? Please?

Notes from a penthouse

“…Apparently I am not to be trusted in the presence of Rock. At least that is what Roddy told me. He is back in LA making a movie with him. Something about pretty maids. I forget the guy’s name who is directing it but he loves Roddy. He was kind of hot, but I guess he is really straight. But, everyone loves Roddy. Everyone. It is sort of boring. Oh yeah! Roger Vadimer! That’s the guy’s name. I guess he was married to Jane Fonda. Last week Roddy let me join he and Roger for dinner. But, I had to come in the back door and sit by that Natalie Wood lady. She’s pretty and knows Bette Davis even better than Roddy, but I’ve yet to get to meet Miss D. That Roger guy had a bit too much to drink. Roddy and Natalie were dancing. Photo opp for Rod to look straight. Whatever. But, Roger told me that he made Jane Fonda. That’s kind of cool. He said he made some other lady but I can’t even pronounce her name much less spell it. He thought of that Barbarella thing! That was a groovy movie! I guess Jane Fonda has one of his kids and won’t let him see the little boy. That sucks, but Roger is kind of creepy.

Anyway, Joshie has been on a gig with Rock for about a year now. I was thinking it would be really far out to finally get to hang with him again! And, from what Joshie tells me, Rock gives great presents! But, Roddy threatened to fire me if I stayed in LA. I think he is jealous of Rock. From what J tells me he should be! And Joshie doesn’t have to do things in the kitchen or wear costumes. But, I guess it is kind of sweet that Rod doesn’t want to share me anymore. I never thought of myself like a whore, but I guess I am. Or was? No, I guess I am. This beats my dad’s hardware store any day. So, I don’t care.

I think Rod is just happy he doesn’t have to wear that monkey make-up or talk to that Kim Huntly actress. No, is it Hunter? I never can remember her name. I think she is in love with Rod. That is a real turn off for Roddy. I thought it was kind of cute.

So, Roddy gave up the place in New York so he told me he got me a job assisting this ’sweet’ lady. He promised me as he left at the airport that I was going to be working for the grande dame of Broadway. I was thinking he meant that cool chick who sang Frank Mills in Hair. I love her. Can’t remember her name, though. But, I know Roddy so I was thinking it was probably some old lady like Mary Martin. Ugh! But, Dear Diary, It is much worse!

I am working for Ethel Merman.

Every morning it’s the same thing. She bangs on my door, comes in and starts yacking at me. She follows me from the bedroom to the shower to the kitchen and then to this room and she never stops yacking. She’s not mean or anything but she’s just lonely and loud.

Get this! I am so dying to talk to Danny or Joshie! Ethel Merman is a dyke!

I want to like her cause she has great taste in women. She keeps telling me about her affair with Jacqueline Susann!!! Who knew? But, I guess it didn’t work out well. Mr. Susann took out a restraining order or something like that so that Ethel couldn’t see her anymore. That is such a downer. I would love to meet Jacqueline Susann! That is the only book I’ve ever read. Ethel told me that my favorite character is based on her!!! I guess it is the only book Ethel ever read too.

Ethel said that she might be able to get me in to meet her, but we’ll have to sneak about it. She wants me to deliver this box of chocolates and I am supposed to leave this letter opener in the door so Ethel won’t have to bother knocking. Which I totally understand because Ethel does not knock she bangs! Loudly! I was thinking it would be easier if I just slipped Miss Susann a note to let her know that Ethel was waiting outside for her, but I guess Ethel wants to surprise her with this letter opener. It kind of looks like a knife, though. Hmmmm…

This room kind of gives me the creeps. It reminds me of The Master’s house. Miss Coward is such a drag. Literally. Anyway, everything is really red and heavy. But, Ethel smells better than Miss Priss and her husband. Dear Diary, I have to remember to tell you about the bear suit incident with Noel and his evil troll, Graham. It wasn’t my fault that Noel got so excited he blew one. If it was anybody’s fault I think it was Joshie’s. But, that troll got all pissy when he found out how much Noelie was paying us. Joshie and I split and I called Roddy. He was reallyl cool about it, but he didn’t let me bring Joshie with me. Roddy made a call and got Joshie the thing with Rock.

Anyway, last night Ethel sang. All night long. I swear the lamps on the walls were shaking she was so loud. She wanted me to tell her all about Roddy. Like really personal things. Not sure why, but it was really important to her. She was on the kitchen phone for a while after I answered her questions.

I went ahead and answered all of her questions because — oh, dear Diary, this makes me so excited! Ethel is going to introduce me to Twiggy!!! Finally!!! I told her that this is my life’s dream. Twiggy is the greatest! The only thing is I might have to do Tommy Tune. Whatever. Ethel told me that Andy Warhol might be there to film it but that would be far out! I wonder if I could meet Joe Dallesandro or Holly Woodland. Oh, who cares! I just want to meet Twiggy!

Oh boy. Ethel’s back. There is some guy with her and it doesn’t sound like her driver.

I’m back. I’m in trouble, I guess. I was really polite but I guess I failed the test or something. Who is David Marrick, anyway?That was the first time I’ve seen Ethel get bitchy. He is a bitch for sure. Sounds like he is a stage manager or something. She pushed me back into this room and told me to be quiet while she tried to make things better.

I guess I am supposed to go with this Marrick guy to hang out with Tommy Tune. I hope Roddy doesn’t call while I am gone. But, Ethel told me not to worry. She said she would take care of everything. Kind of strange he hasn’t called me today. He must be busy with that movie. Still not sure what I am supposed to do for Ethel. I guess I am keeping her company. No one seems to like her much. There is a really cool picture of Judy Garland hanging up in here. Judy signed it. It says ‘to my favorite kitty, Judy’ What does that mean? Anyway, I guess Judy likes her!

Oh, I have to go. I am being summoned! Whenever I do get to meet Twiggy I hope she grooves to all that I’ve done just to meet her!

NOTES FROM A YACHT OFF THE COAST OF GREECE…

“…despite the beauty surrounding me, or perhaps because of it I feel so conflicted.

When ‘ELiz’ insisted I join she and her on this little cruise last year I had no idea it would last a full six months. Oh, and, yes — there was Last Night! After she received that telegram from R and threw that dish of rabbit stew (who knew they had rabbits in Greece??!?!) into Paolo’s face she screamed that we were no longer to call her ‘Liz’. Apparently we are now meant to call her ‘ELiz’. I don’t know. Joshie made the mistake of calling her ‘hon’ as he always does when he mixes her Dirty Liz drink (I think it is quite similar to a Dirty Mary only far less tomato juice) —- I thought she was going to kill the poor baby! But, instead, she just pulled the celery stick out of the glass and told him to drop his ‘drawers’ and bend over. Well, I left the room and headed up on deck which is where I have remained for the day. Just taking in the rays of this glorious sun. I always find it amusing when ELiz slips and uses grandma-like words such as ‘drawers’ — she takes such pride on being a right on groovin’ chick! R finally got her to stop painting those little peace signs all over the yacht.

Shit. ELiz just stumbled by. She leaned into my tanned face with her manicured fingers toying with my left nipple and whispered, ‘Matty, did you select my scarf for the day?’ Of course I had. She’s wearing it. Ugh! I picked out that orange one with the giant purple grapes painted all over it. I thought it would go well with the one piece Danny picked up for her last week when she sent us into Athens to pick up magazines and beer.

However, she is still in her Madi-Hari Mode. It was cute for about a day, but I do so tire of her walking about the deck holding those pearls over her face and asking all of us to kiss her. Paolo should have known his time was up when she asked him to kiss her ass. Roddy took a stunning picture, though! He developed it in that room that only he and Liz (uh, I mean, ELiz) are allowed to go. I wonder what’s in that room. Maybe I don’t really want to know.

Anyway, she gave me this glossy that Roddy gave to her. She does look fabulous, but all I can only think of her numerous demands as I look at it. Holy shit. Please don’t tell me she’s put on that poncho thing again! That so does not go with the scarf! Fuck it. Who cares. She’s tanked anyway. Still pissed that Jackie turned down the invite. We were all relieved. She was going to have us all get out of our short-shorts and wear ‘proper waiter outfits’ …shudder!

You know, I remember asking her what it was I was supposed to be doing for her. When she told me I was to be in charge of selecting her daily scarves I suspected it might get a bit dull. However, the woman has over 25, 000 on this boat alone! I don’t even know how many she has back at the villa! But, it is considerably more. She actually has a scarf room. That’s where I sleep if Roddy is pissed at me and Danny is otherwise involved. We had to leave poor R behind after Paolo showed up with that milk delivery. R really puts up with a lot. However, from what we can gather, he is on his way back to the yacht for dinner this evening.

Paolo was already escorted back to shore by that goon she calls the captain. I seriously doubt those facial burn wounds will heal. So much for his modeling career.

You know, dear journal, it was a whole month into this Greek Journey that Joshie told me what I was really meant to do. I still can’t believe I’ve been hired to serve Roddy McDowell’s Boy Toy. At first I thought it was love. But, as Joshie says, ‘De’s no luv here, baby!’ He does make me laugh even as I cry. Yeah, I guess Danny was terminated from the Roddy Gig when he pulled that little stunt with Tab Hunter. I guess ELiz warned him that Rod and Tab had a bit of a history. However, we all know what man-sluts he and Tab are! Actually, it is fun when ELiz starts in on bitching about the scene she, R and Roddy discovered in the kitchen. And, Roddy gets sooooo mad, but he wouldn’t dare call her on it! He is still pissed that she didn’t kick Danny back to London. The thing is that Danny is very gifted. Say what you like, but ELiz knows that sort of talent when she sees it. She values us more than that mean old Guru she keeps in the cabin next door to her.

This wine is really good. And, so are these little cake-like things which I am unable to pronounce. It’s all Greek to me! I know, that is so corny. But, Roddy does love my cliches.

I had to come up here today, tho. I am in no mood for Rod today.

Man, I was so excited when he kissed me last night. He was so passionate and the glow of the moon was so romantic! Then, as he traced my throat with his tongue, he told me he had a special gift for me. A ring? A trip out of this dull paradise? A villa I can call my own? A real job, perhaps?

No! ….He gave me this old publicity photo which he autographed to ‘Sally’

— I think because that makes ELiz laugh. Sally was, apparently, this rich bitch who liked to hang out with her. She used to select ELiz’s scarves. I gather all was fine till ELiz caught R slurping orange juice off Sally’s tits. I guess that’s when R got kicked to the Greek curb.

I wonder what happened to Sally? No one seems to know. Joshie said he last saw her crying on deck two with ELiz. But he assured me that Elis was comforting her. And, ELiz and R were the very first to post reward money for her safe return. But, sadly she is still missing. Orange juice is no longer allowed here or at the villa.

Ugh! Roddy has joined me on the deck. He is actually trying to crawl on top of me as I write. I pushed him off.

He’s off on another bitch rant about the fact that he has to play a monkey or something in some movie when “we” get back to the states. Shit! He just spilled iced tea all over my copy of HELLO magazine! I had so wanted to read about Twiggy. Now, there is a diva I could work for! Closer to my own age and I don’t think she’s into sitting on boat for day’s on end.

Oh, and here comes that old man. Danny told me that he heard ELiz promising him that she could get either me or Joshie to give him a rub down later. Yuck. But, I guess he is someone of import. Roddy tells me that Joshie, Danny and I are total idiots to not drop to our knees and worship this bitchy old queen. What’s his name? Noel Koward? Noel Caward? I can’t remember. But it is something like that. I don’t know. All I know is that it totally sucks when he convinces ELiz to start singing.

Well, the sun is shifting. Roddy is playing with my hair and Miss Koward is going on about some argument with R and that Eliz better take care of it or Miss Priss is ditching this gig. Ah, ha! I knew she was on the payroll! But, he is so fucking old!

Roddy is trying to pry the pen out of my hand. He’s been trying to read my journal since he found it in my bag. And, that is all I need. Can you imagine the shit that would hit my fan if he read about that incident with Danny and Tab. I mean, that was back in Italy. I didn’t know! But, he is so tres silly. He wouldn’t take that into account. I would just become an evil whore.

Oh, shit. ELiz is braying on about how the scarf clashes with her poncho. She may be tight but she still has her fashion wits about. Still can’t figure out what she sees with that poncho. Danny told me it belonged to that James Dean guy. Who cares? It’s a poncho. That is so ‘68!

Good night, my dear journal. I must go see about a new scarf, refill Ms. Koward’s glass and meet Roddy in his cabin — all within the next fifteen minutes. All I can say is that this better get me a role on that TV show! Roddy promised if I learned how to do that thing with the olive bottle he would put in a word.

And, we both know I’ve mastered that sick little act. I think I must have the internal bruising to prove it!

I wonder if R will have a copy of this HELLO with him when he arrives. I know he has a bit of a thing for T. Who could blame him?!?!? She is so ‘it’ — I mean, she is simply destined to be THE movie star! Roddy was going on about how upset he was that she requested Avedon to do her new publicity shots, but what I can’t figure out is — does he want to be a movie star or a fashion photographer? I mean, make up your mind.

Rod is such a baby. I think it will be funny to see him in a monkey costume. Oh, excuse me — I guess we are to call it a state of the art ape costume. …and he gets to wear a high fashioned suit. ??? Talking apes in designer mens wear. Oh, how the mighty fall.

I am quite honestly sighing aloud.

I must close for now — A hot pink scarf, an empty olive bottle and a greased-up former child star awaits entertainment in his cabin. I sure hope Danny was lying about Eliz and R setting up hidden cameras in all the cabins. That would be so tacky and yet oddly wonderful all at once.

Oh, I hate to leave my lounger. It is so pretty here. But, duty calls.

Twiggy, please rescue me!
M.”

BARBRA’S ASS CIRCA 1979…

THE CRIME

AND PUNISHMENT…

I HAD A DREAM: VID-CLIP CONCEPT FOR DEBBIE HARRY!!!
Yes, I had a dream last night. I was watching a new vid-clip from Debbie Harry. So, in my on-going effort to assist our favorite celebrities I offer the following concept for ‘The Debster”!

So, I would never dream of drafting a memo to or for Debbie — she will be cool till the day she dies. Actually, I suspect she’ll still be cool well after that! Blondie still kicks major ass, and she’s still carrying them about the UK. I would think she tires of singing the same songs over and over. but, like, it’s Debbie Harry. So, it’s cool. She can do whatever she wants! It’s all good! I could listen to “Heart of Glass” and “Atomic” for days on end with no complaints, but I do kind of wish we would see her break away from the boys and do a Marianne Faithfull kind of thing. No, not do drugs for 3 years and sit on a wall in Northern England, but hire some way cool/talented producers and cut a contemporary CD. I mean, she’s in the UK all of the time — turn to Goldfrapp!!! And, Iggy needs work! I wish Debbie would reach out and do another duet with Iggy! The time just seems right. …keep it cool, but keep it real. But, I digress. Debbie needs to follow her heart of glass to any place she desires!

Anyway, the song in my dream was a new one —- and here is where my odd dream adds a few twists that I think would be way cool and more than a little disturbing. Music starts and we are in a urinal! Now, in my dream it was green and white, but I couldn’t find a picture to match what I dreamt, but it was all very shine-y. She didn’t really dance. Debbie just sort of moved her spiked heel’d feet to the music as she lip-sync’d.

Enter a large dog. And, she just kept on with the groove as the dog prowls the urinals — freaky that I found a picture of a big dog standing up at a urinal because that is what the dog does behind Debbie — and right at that point, there is a jerk/jump edit (not a smooth transition — jumpy) to various men walking up and taking leaks as she ignores them and just sings the song. Now, this is where the dream took an odd turn. As she sings and the men drain, blood starts trinkling down the tiles. No one notices. Jerk/jump cut to Debbbie’s feet tapping to the beat as blood starts running under them. It was almost like she was on a slant and the blood was washing under her heels. But, she keeps on tapping and the blood keeps coming. Jump/jerk cut to the dog snarling/barking as if about to attack something — jump/jerk cut back and Debbie is singing with yellow water (piss?) pouring down the unrinals and every space around them has turned to a blood running hue — all very shine-y. …quick cuts between this, the dog barking as if about to attack something and Debbie’s feet.

…the end. I think it would be way cool and we all know that Debbie isn’t afraid to go the distance for her art! Yeah, I know it is gross. But it has major cool potential! It had nothing to do with the trip-hop-like-pop-song which was really kind of upbeat. I know Peaches did a vid-clip a few years ago in a bathroom, but I think my concept is different. And, Debbie need not sprout hair the way Peaches did. It was like a goldfrapp smoothie only with chunks of funk.

I think she should take this vid-clip concept and run with it! I wonder why I had that dream. Hmmmmm…

NOT EVEN MY BEST FRIENDS KNOW…

…from my pal, Karyn. She is quite vexed in the city.

Name 4 movies you own that you think none of your friends own:
1. LISZTOMANIA (on DVD. Ken Russell went nuts and we are treated to a cartoon tour of the life of Franz Liszt as played by Roger Daltrey who gets to perform excorcism on Wagner and who has a penis that grows to over 6 feet length which leads into one of the oddest musical numbers I’ve ever seen. With the music of Liszt & Wagner “re-invented” by Rick Wakeman. Must be seen to be believed!)
2. THE DRIVER’S SEAT (in which Liz Taylor went nuts and plays a rich neurotic who is determined to find just the right man to strangle and stab her to death. …and, upon her request, rape her corpse. Oh, and Andy Warhol is there too. Classic trash cinema!!!)
3. BOYS IN THE BAND (From the director of THE EXORCIST & CRUISING, the film version on DVD)
4. LA CEREMONIE (in which Isabelle Huppert convinces a fellow maid to murder rich family in cold blood just for fun. Chabrol at his sickest. The look of glee in Huppert’s face as she blasts Jackie Bisset to hell with a shotgun is pretty damn scary!)

Name 4 books you own that you think none of your friends own:
1. A Crackup At The Race Riots by Harmony Korine
2. Clown Paintings by Diane Keaton
3. 8 Femmes by Ozon (hard cover red velvet — it’s in French, but has really pretty picutres of Huppert, Deneuve and Ardant)
4. May I Kiss You On The Lips, Miss Sandra? by Sandra Bernhard (you probably haven’t read it, but you should)

Name 4 cds you own that you think none of your friends own:
1. Death By Chocolate — self titled CD. …they rocked
2. Black Rose (Cher’s attempt at her version of ‘new wave/punk’ in which she did not use her name)
3. The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack of “Mahogany” (my fave track is ‘She’s The Ideal Girl’)
4. Marlena Shaw Live in Tokyo

Name 4 places you’ve been where you think none of your friends have been:
…some things are best left confidential.
…a whole new meaning to “cock rock”

FREAK MAGNET

I had to get out of the house today. It was simply too beautiful out. And, besides, I had to look for part time/retail work. I have discovered that as a current corporate middle management/HR refugee, I am viewed as suspicious in my desire for part time employment. All of the retail powers that be seem to think I am attempting to “slum it” while I look for “real” employment. Don’t they realize that they are cutting themselves down as the refuse me a chance!?!?!? However, there is one place that seems to be interested in hiring me. But, I’m having to think about it.

Anyway, I sat at a very nice cafe for much of the afternoon. The sun was flowing in and I was surfing the job boards and doing my thing. I even got to do a bit of Instant Message stuff with Milford! I was actually doing just that when a rather scary looking gay Klub Boi walked in and took a seat at the table in front of me. He was kind of cute in a burned out-needs-a-shower-kind of way. He looked late 30’s but I suspect he was mid 20’s. Blue hair, tats and a those black things in his ear lobes. I think Milford had to step away or something so I was not typing and suddenly found this guy sitting across from me, looking overly happy and twitchy. He told me he really liked my red sport coat and my shoes. I said thanks. Then he proceeded to write down something on a piece of paper. His hands were a bit twitchy, too. He pushed the paper across to me. Two phone numbers were scrawled out. He told me that these were his numbers and that I should give him a call.

“Ok. Thanks.”

…then he got up, ordered an Italian soda, sort of bounced about, waved to me and left. At this point I was back to typing to Milford who told me that he felt I had a friendly face that seemed to invite people to talk to me. …or something like that as I was complaining about why I seem to attract people like this.

Anyway, Milford had to get back to work and I needed to continue to look for work.

I guess about 10 minutes had gone by and the Scary Klub Boi bounced back into the cafe. He walked up to me and asked if I knew his friend Crystal. Now, kids, it has been a lonnnnnng time since I was involved in recreational drug use and I have no plans of getting back into that scene ever again. I don’t think he was talking about a girl or a drag queen. So, I told him that I hated Crystal and refused to deal with her or any of her friends. I waited to see what sort of reaction I would get.

He just laughed — and, then, kissed me on the head. Then he left.

Why me?

Oh, and as I continue to attempt to navigate thru the mess that is my life I now must sell some more of my stuff. No biggie. It is only stuff and life is easier the less you own. But, it still sucks and bums me out. There are certain things that I will never sell. You can probably guess what some of them are. But a few of them puzzle even me.

Diamanda Galas is insane. Don’t try to defend her. I know she has done some interesting work, but the poor girl is nuts. Anyway, she made an album with John Paul Jones back in the early 90’s that I just love. Not really sure why. Some of it is not even really listenable. But, I like it. Maybe it is because I will always be a diehard LedZep fan. Maybe it is because “Do You Take This Man?” is the greatest revenge on a cheating lover song you will EVER hear. …or maybe it is because of that way cool cover photograph. This was just after her victorious and scandalous performance at St.Patricks Cathedral in NYC, I believe and it is the closest she has ever come to a straight-ahead rock album. Anyway, I love it. I will never sell it. And, I don’t think it is in print anymore.

A pal I’ve made on my space reminded me of a book, “The House of Leaves” which caused me many a nightmare when I first read it. A strange book about a house that changes size and serves as an entry point to an endless maze of space. I hadn’t really thought of this book in some time. I love it and I hated it because it bothered me so much. You see I have this irrational fear of space and things spacial. I can’t even articulate it. But the idea of a room or a house that keeps expanding and/or shrinking with a hallway that keeps on growing — well, it just freaks me out! Anyway, the writer’s sister is an interesting rock singer, POE. She created a really interesting CD based upon her brother’s book. The CD is called “Haunted” — I could never sell it, either. Like her brother’s book, her CD kind of freaks me out, too. “…but there’s only so far I can go in a hallway that keeps growing…” …ewwwwwwww!!!! …and, yet I am drawn to it.

So, those two CD’s are not for sale. Like Barbra, Debbie, Stevie, Tom W, Marianne F, Kate & Tori — you don’t mess with ‘em!!! Spacially challenged and horrific…

THE ODDNESS OF DATING IN SAN FRANCISCO

Dating is not much fun. Never was and never will be, really. However, it is far worse as you edge up to 40 living in San Francisco.

I’ve met some really cool guys as of late. And there are a few I’ve not yet actually met, but look forward to meeting. There is (or was) this one fellow with whom I’ve emailed quite a bit and we’ve chatted on the phone a couple of times. Seemingly nice/cool guy. We made tentaive plans for later this weekend. …for dinner.

He left me a voicemail last night that kind of threw me off. It was a nice voicemail. Spoke of looking forward to finally sitting down and meeting. Sweet, warm voice. Then, just before he hung up he says, “Oh, and pack a toothbrush because I am going to f**k you. You’ll love it and I always get what I want. I can’t wait.”

blank stare at the cell phone.

Where did that come from? Is that the same guy I’ve been talking with?!?!? Just the fact that he just bluntly states something like that and then tells me he always gets what he wants. How charming! Loser.

I turned to my pal, Thomas of KUNG-FU KITTEN fame and he gave me the following advice:

“…I worry about people who end voicemails with comments about f**king me. My ass does not appreciate the implications and neither do I for the most part. …call him and tell him that he can’t have your ass. It’s too precious. Like a Hummel figurine. The ones with the big eyes and the little tiny mouths, with the abnormally large heads. Yes, that is your ass, treasure it. He sounds like an ass collector anyway. And you don’’t want to be collected, do you? Well, of course not.” I feel that this is sound advice and I shall follow it. I will be canceling the dinner date. The creep factor is just too high.

Dating. Keeps life interesting.